AIBU to take our daughter on holiday while DH is unwell and doesnt want me to?

OP, please go. I read your first posts before this one, you are being a wonderful and supportive wife. I have had severe MH issues in the past and you sound just like how my husband was - kind, caring, and trying to understand an invisible illness that is hurting someone you love - your husband is lucky to have you.
My husband said to me, once my condition was manageable, that it was soul destroying seeing me like that, and that’s really stuck with me; because all the focus is on the one who is unwell, the carers get sidelined when it comes to making sure they are okay. You deserve the break, and so does your daughter ❤️
To give you some hope, I couldn’t see a way forward when I was unwell - it had been 7 years of gradually getting worse until it became unbearable. Once I saw the right psychiatrist who took a chance with a different diagnosis and different drugs, I got much better. My illnesses are still always there, and I will always be heavily medicated, but I know my limitations, I know my triggers, and I can manage them accordingly. I am positive that the same will happen for your husband xx

I didnt need to read past the first paragraph....YANBU.
Something similar happened to me when I was a child. Once in a lifetime trip cancelled because my mum injured her leg. Rather thsn my dad just take me and my sister it was all about 'poor her'.
Take your kids, its about them.

Firstly I think you and your daughter should go away.

My concern is that he/his family/friends etc may see it as you and yr dd having a (well deserved) break while he is where he is and I worry for you that it might be frowned upon.

At this stage is he still as keen for you to cancel it or is he able to see the whole picture now and appreciate how good it would be for you and your dd to have a break? Would it work if you shortened even more and just went for a week? At least then it would be viewed as a much shorter trip.

Oh op!im guessing you were the op who did the 30 day thread whose husband was sectioned. I've been thinking of you. Yes, go, please go! I'm experiencing a mentally ill husband myself right now although he's not sectioned. The impact on my life makes me feel trapped!

Yes you need a break. Dh needs realise that your life does not evolve around him. This will be a good step for the future for you and dd to do things together. He can’t expect your world to stop because he is ill. It’s 10 days out of the year maybe dh needs an aim that if he is well enough next time he could come along depending on his health obviously.

I have some experience of this and I don’t know your exact details but I would say to go.

You need to go OP, for your mental health as much as anything

Oh, my dear. You must definitely go on holiday (and not the shortened one - the previously longer planned one). You must do this for your daughter, quite aside from yourself. He might not be ‘well’ although I think there are more layers to this) but he is a grown up and your daughter (your priority) is suffering. You must also make the conscious decision that, while on holidays, you will not think or worry about your husband at all. He is a grown man with family. You will be on holidays with your precious daughter who needs to be completely free to enjoy the holiday she so obviously deserves. Sorry to be a bossy boots, but you know in your heart of hearts what the right thing to do is. Life is short and regrets (especially with respect to children are a heavy toll). Hugs to you both.

As a psychologist told me, some people with mental I'll health use it to control others. He might feel less supported but the world cannot revolve around him.

Enjoy yourselves, you both need the respite. If he's in hospital he will be fine - make sure to call him on video chat regularly if he'll take your call.

I have been in this situation OP and the best thing I did following the 3rd section was to take my DC on holiday....for all of us. Years on...my DC tell everyone how they appreciated me prioritising their needs and exams. I also turned off the phone, blocked the hospital, social workers, other members of his useless family.for the time we were away. After months of accepting unsafe discharges, I had enough, was at risk of going under myself and whilst I tried to protect my DC from.the worse of it, they needed some normality and stability. He never really got better, or came home, but ended up with a reasonable package....and my DC could see him when he was safe to be around. They could see him as dad, have a decent relationship, but never had to experience the very scary complex mental health issues. Years on, I would do exactly the same again, despite the abuse I got for it. It really saved relationships and our own well-being. Ignore people who try and guilt you. You can't save someone from themselves and with threats of suicide, a very wise CPN told me if they are going to do, they will do it if you are there or not. Didn't want to hear it at the time, but I absolutely believe it is true now.

I think its time for some medium term planning given it sounds like the illness is longer term.

Go on the holiday.

Be clear with the hospital that you aren't around for whichever days. Be consistent in your communication with your husband - I imagine you can phone / text / email him directly or via staff. Say how much communication you're planning to have (daily updates/ every other day / not at all because reception is dodgy etc) and stick to it. You can't alter his internal feeling of anxiety but you can demonstrate by doing it that your trip is perfectly safe.

Consider how you can widen your support circle. There's a concept known as "circles of support" it's worth looking up and seeing if it can be adapted to work for you. The hospital ought to be willing to help - you could invite his parents, your parents, siblings, other friends, work colleagues, people from hobbies and so on and talking through what everybody is able and willing to offer by way of support. Whilst he's in hospital having visitors other than you might be good as might people sending cards / emails / puzzle books etc - there's lots of little things many people could do and might well be willing to do because they're not big burdens.

If his family is distant/ unhelpful I don't think him going there straight after a hospital discharge is a viable plan. If there's willingness on their part to be more supportive then there's room for the hospital to work with them and your husband to see if one of them can provide you with respite by being supportive enough of your husband that he's happy to go there at times.

I would hope the hospital has experience of working with complicated family relationships and helping improve them / contain them.

I think he needs to stay in hospital until he's well enough to come home.

You can’t pour from an empty cup, he needs you to be the best, strongest version of yourself to be able to support him in his recovery. You are a wonderful wife and he is lucky to have you. From reading the posts, it sounds like you need and deserve the break. I hope you have a lovely time x

Oh gosh OP absolutely go on the trip with your daughter. Its only for 10 days and you both deserve a break. You have to think about both of your needs as you will be dealing with this for many years to come. Your husband is not well and is not able to see this as a good thing for your both, its his illness taking over. Yes please do go, you would regret it forever if you did not take this opportunity. There will be other times in the future where you do things with your DD as your husband is not able to and thats the right way to do things. And if anyone dare criticise you feel free to tell them to stick their opinion where the sun doesn't shine and mind their own business!

I’m sorry OP that you are not having a great time but you can’t pour from an empty cup. You and your DD need a break and it’s incredibly selfish of DH not to appreciate that. I understand he has MH challenges but they can’t take over to the extent they consume you and your DD. You only get one life, live it. I don’t care what your family or his think, it’s not them living it day in and day out. Go on your break, DH will have to cope.

Go on the holiday…. 100% go go go.

Years ago I was so mentally unwell that my partner had to cancel a trip to Thailand.
I just wanted to say, things can get better, I'm back at work now and he went on the Thailand trip a couple of years later.

Well he’s still in hospital now - but will he still be there when the holiday is supposed to happen? So he might be under the care of the hospital but it’s hard to know in advance. That’s the issue….

I had a mental health episode and the LAST thing I wanted was for others to be negatively affected by it. Seems to me that his problem is selfishness, pure and simple.

Go. Mental illness affects the whole family. It's absolutely exhausting trying to look after someone whose mood is unstable. Been there, done that.

You need to seriously consider the impact his illness will have on your life going forwards. It's rare for someone to be sectioned these days so I'm assuming his recovery will be long.

Does he lack capacity to be involved in any of this care planning? There definitely needs to be a discharge planning meeting so it’s not all dumped on the op to manage and organise.

there’s a huge difference between check in to see if he’s ok and eating/drinking and expecting people to be on suicide/self harm watch

Yes in which case she asks someone else or pays professionals. Waiting for a response is crazy she needs to get this sorted asap.

They won't enjoy their trip, no matter how much they deserve it, if they leave their ill dh/df home without backup.

with the consent of him of course, and they are entitled to say no

I was thinking the same..
Obviously as he has been ill he has you all around

Yes I know. She needs to ring them. Sorting out support for him <as ill people are unable/reluctant to do> is up there with sorting flights and holiday accommodation.

Sorry you went through that and that was brilliant your husband was so supportive.

But... the huge difference with @Atchooch is that she also has a 15 year old to consider, whereas you had a newborn baby who would never remember such an event.

A 15 year old will be HUGELY impacted by this and not going away will have detrimental effects on the MH of a teenager.

As there is no time limit on how long the manic and depressive episodes will last, you can't really put the rest of the 15 year olds life on hold for what are some of the most important years.

For them it will feel like theyre trapped doing nothing until they are an adult and can go on their own.

I work with teenagers and am very aware how things like this affect them.

10 days away will make a massive difference to a teenager and give them the break they clearly need. The OPs husband will be perfectly safe with his family.