AIBU to take our daughter on holiday while DH is unwell and doesnt want me to?

Conversely I find it bizarre that you think his illness trumps the happiness of his wife and child.

My DH has had several serious illnesses including cancer, but we both still prioritise our child’s best interests where we can. Luckily, he agrees.

I’ve also got a friend whose husband has long term mental health issues. She regularly stays with her family for a break. However, in her shoes, I’d get divorced. You only have one life and I wouldn’t waste it caring for another adult when there’s other options available. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I remember your original posts.

This is an awful situation to be in all round. I’m so sorry your husband crashed and ended up back in hospital. I can understand why you are worried about going away.

I feel like you need something for you and your daughter though. You must be running on full adrenaline and fear right now.

I don’t know why your family will not be happy about you going? Are they fearful of looking after your DH when he is discharged?

If I were you, I’d call the ward and ask to sit down and chat with your husbands named nurse, and whoever in the family he will be staying with when you are away. There is a lot of fear in the unknown, and that could be driving their upset about you going.

It could simply be a case of them knowing what support they have from the home treatment or community teams looking after your husband on discharge, what to do in an emergency etc etc.

Having said that, will you and your daughter be able to switch off and enjoy yourselves? If it will be more stressful then it’s counterproductive imo. You might be better booking something in the UK, just to get away and re-charge.

I had a breakdown in my late 30’s and it was horrendous. I was suicidal and couldn’t even speak at times.
I was staying with my parents and they were worn out.
They’d also had a holiday they really deserved and I’m really ashamed now that I had meltdowns and begged them not to go.
They’d also were lovely lovely people. I had a support worker I saw once a week and he encouraged them to go.
I am not going to sugar coat it, it was horrible for me. A lot of it is a blur. I had everything I needed physically.
But do you know what? We all survived. And they needed that holiday.
I do have a very distinct memory though - thinking this is as bad as it gets, if my parents were not here, this would be my life and I’d have to get on with it.
And I turned a bit of a corner. And I was really, really poorly two decades later I have never forgotten it even if I didn’t recall every detail.
There could be another time when you really can’t be there - what if you needed an emergency surgery? And were in hospital for a few weeks? Ultimately, he will be ill or he will get a bit better whether you are there are not.
I am not being heartless as I’ve been the poorly person.

You absolutely must go! Mental health can destroy everyone’s life but u and your daughter need respite and to find yourself again so u can better equip yourself to be there for him when you get back! Thinking of you!

You need to go. Ten days isn’t long and your DD deserves some time away from the situation.
You also need to live your own life and not have it totally defined by his illness
Comparisons with post natal illness are not very helpful (someone has posted above). Post natal illness gets better. It sounds like your DH has a condition that is never going to go away. He might have good times and bad times but it will always be there. Please prioritise your own well-being and that of your DD.

Your other option is to contact the social care and tell them he WILL be alone and They need to sort a care pkan or a hospital space . As you have your child to think of and as hard as this seems they come first, not DH .

She is your dependant your husband is your partner. And as much as you love him you need to find ways to protect your own mental health.

Go OP. As someone who has witnessed how another family members mental health affects other family members (and is certainly expected to), go. You must, must, must ensure you do all that you have said in your opening post and draw very firm boundary lines form the beginning, especially if it’s anxiety and depression. If you don’t the illness will drag you down with it. You have exactly the right attitude.

This

You and DD can't live purely for your DH.
He can't expect life to stop because he feels anxious, if you stop life goes on without you, that is the bottom line.
Your DH has already changed your lives profoundly, and will continue to do so- that ia more than enough consession.

I could sympathise with his being upset (at least initially) if you were going on the planned-together trip without him, but it sounds like you've really arranged a completely different trip and it's already a compromise between being on hand all the time to support and care for him versus keeping yourself healthy and in reasonably good spirits and avoiding letting DD down.

Is there any way that someone could come and stay with him if he needs overnight care, even a professional, rather than his going elsewhere? Definitely check thoroughly to make sure you've identified any and all aftercare or outpatient support he may be entitled to.

I followed your previous threads (plural if I remember) too. I think I tried to help from time to time.

I think that I may be within the minority here, but will say that I have personal experience here. I find the idea of you going away on a holiday that he was going to go on and now cannot really distressing. Obviously, if he is still in hospital (and if he's sectioned again they're not going to be chucking hi out) then there is nothing that can be done and it sounds unlikely that he will be able to go with you, although you haven't told us when the holiday is.

Something has occurred to me, and forgive me if you think this a little barmy. Can you find a way of involving him in the trip? Send him a daily video of you both with a bit of a dialogue, with some shots of the views? Making him a part of it could help to alleviate his sadness, and may help to make it a bit of fun for your daughter. Perhaps could also be a first stepping stone to healing your daughter's and his relationship.

Go 100%. I was in a similar situation many years ago do speaking from experience. Have a great time and don't feel guilty.

He can’t - in my experience people in his situation are only capable of thinking of themselves.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’ve had some experience with a family member who had MH issues and sadly it seems to make the person suffering very self obsessed and that is so hard to deal with. I think you are doing the right thing by not letting this define your life at this stage. It would seem that whether you go or not it isn’t going to massively change the situation. It might help you be less resentful though and that will help your DH in the long run. Support for MH in the UK is very poor and this just compounds the situation. You likely can’t really help your DH but you can definitely do the right thing by your daughter.

@Atchooch This is a very informative post in case you missed it.

I remember your previous thread, and I'm sorry that you're still struggling with this. Go and enjoy the holiday. Good luck. 💐

He is not well so you can't organise your life by his feelings. You and your daughter need a break, Tell him this and when he is well, if he is a good man, he will understand. If he is not, you need to put your own needs first. Tell him to put his daughter first.

Go

If your husband had any decency, he would want you to go away and have a lovely break with your daughter.

Hi, I followed your previous thread and my heart went out to you - I'm so sorry these last few months have continued to be so hard.
I'm another who encourages you to go for both your sakes; you need it and if your husband were well, he would agree too. If this is going to be the new normal, then you need to mitigate as much as you can. This will be good for both of you, but also a bit of probably much needed mother/daughter bonding. Love and strength to you 💐

Put your daughter first - GO. You've already made massive changes to this plan. You need a break for your own mental health.

100% this

10 days break after months and months and months of hell is unfair? Get a grip.

This is very unfair. If you read the OPs updates, I hope you get a better idea of what has been going on. You are speaking as if this is a temporary thing that DH is going to get better from. It isnt.

Hi OP. I thought it might be you when I read the title and remember your thread vividly. Its such a terrible situation for all of you.

Having had over a decade of experience working with people in psychiatric hospitals and their families, this is a situation I came across often. Mental illness is a massive continuum. Having a clear precipitant (pregnancy or child birth, a traumatic event etc) and the diagnosed problem, make a massive difference to prognosis. And that is really important. If it was likely to be relatively short lived incident, with a full recovery likely, cancelling the holiday would be more reasonable. But in this case, given the type of presentation you have described, this is likely to be a much longer road, with an uncertain end point. I am sorry, for you, him and your DD, but I do think this is a situation where its not possible to do what he wants.

When I started work in MH about 25 years ago, I was very judgmental about people who left mentally ill partners. But after years of seeing how very severe illness affects people, I had to rethink that approach. I saw everything from people who had stuck by for decades and were husks who were barely functional, and people who had lit out at the first sign of higher need. Realistically in a family, everyone's needs are important, and sometimes one person may need more than the others can give or rather keep giving. The worst thing that can happen is that a partner completely depletes themselves to the point of illness themself because then no one is around to advocate for the MH partner. I saw many people who had to divorce to protect themselves and their children, but were still the main advocate for their partner.

As you have a child, one who has seen what is going on and who has been severely affected by it, its ok that her needs come first for 10 days. You DH will be upset, of course he will, he must be terrified. But you have already changed your plans so much and you have nothing to feel guilty about. All the best to all of you. You are a great mum and partner.

Go OP and have a brilliant holiday with your daughter x