Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to take our daughter on holiday while DH is unwell and doesnt want me to?

491 replies

Atchooch · 18/06/2026 18:41

This is possibly my longest ever post. I dont know how to shorten it.

DH, DD (15) and me were planning to spend the summer travelling around Europe and had started booking things.

Then DH got very unwell. He has spent most of the last few months in hospital with poor mental health. It became clear he wasn't able to go on the holiday and he expected me to cancel it.

I have refused for the following reasons:
DH's illness has hit DD really hard.
She was really, really excited about the holiday. It's the first time she's been properly excited about something in a long time. She hasn't been abroad since she was 3. She has also had a really tough year.
I think if I cancel because of DH it will really damage their relationship. Maybe that's me being dranatic.
Both DD and I need a break if I'm honest. DH has obviously dominated everything since he became ill and that's fine because it's how it needs to be. However I think it's going to be the case for a long time (possibly forever) so I think we need to minimise the impact where we can.
For the above reason I also think I need to set expectations. We cancelled a few things when he became ill and I dont want that to become the norm as harsh as that sounds. I feel like his illness can't control mine and DDs lives.
I need this. I need to prove to myself that I'll be ok. When he first went into hospital I realised how reliant I was on him and thought I wouldn't cope. That isn't healthy. I meed to prove to myself, and DD (and DH tbh) that I can do things.
DD needs to see that she doesn't need to center her world around what other people want and that she shouldn't let them stop her doing what she wants. It's really important she sees that.
I don't know when DH will be well enough to go a long weekend in the UK again, let alone anything bigger.
Financially, I expect we'll have to rely on my wage going forward so things are going to be very different and I dont know if we can afford it again.
So there is the genuine risk that it's now or never.
It just seems like the right thing to do.

As a compromise the holiday has been shortened to 10 days including travel and we will be sticking to the tourist areas instead of going off to random places like we'd planned.

I do feel awful and guilty and like I'm a bad wife for not putting him first. I do feel like I'm purposely doing sonething that I know will cause him pain. I feel like I'm letting him down and I know I will find the holiday stressful and challenging and it's really scary. Of course I'll spend most of the holiday worrying about him and feeling guilty and worrying about sonething going wrong. So then that makes me wonder why I'm doing it at all.

DH is really angry and upset over it. His anxiety is spiralling. He is feeling like I'm not listening and don't care about the impact it is having on him. He is also resentful because he will need to stay with his family while DD and me are away because he isn't well enough to be by himself.

Although, they have been very little help over the last few months so I dont know what I'll do if they wont let him stay.

They will judge me more than they already do.

My family will judge me. But my parents wouldn't even go on a daytrip alone. It meant that we missed out on things because my mum wouldn't do things if my dad wasnt able to go with her. I dont want that for my DD.

So anyway, I will be taking DD on the holiday and I'll deal with the fallout. But I was just wondering what other people would do? Would you disregard your DH and go on holiday or would you put or DH first? Please be kind. It's really upsetting and whatever I do is wrong.

OP posts:
Morepositivemum · 18/06/2026 20:08

It’s ten days, not a month. I’d also say go but possibly disagree with not contacting him while you’re gone although I guess it would be hard to know whether regular updates would help or hinder. Hugs op x

JLou08 · 18/06/2026 20:08

I'd go. 100%. Your DH is being selfish, he has caused enough pain, even if it is unintentionally, to your DD. Don't let him take away this last bit of her childhood. Don't let him take it from you either. You both deserve some happiness and to create lifelong memories away from the dark cloud of someone's mental health.

Applecup · 18/06/2026 20:08

It’s ten days. Go.

DurinsBane · 18/06/2026 20:06

I have read a lot of your other posts. I really feel for your husband, but I think you and your daughter need the break

MMUmum · 18/06/2026 20:05

Atchooch · 18/06/2026 18:41

This is possibly my longest ever post. I dont know how to shorten it.

DH, DD (15) and me were planning to spend the summer travelling around Europe and had started booking things.

Then DH got very unwell. He has spent most of the last few months in hospital with poor mental health. It became clear he wasn't able to go on the holiday and he expected me to cancel it.

I have refused for the following reasons:
DH's illness has hit DD really hard.
She was really, really excited about the holiday. It's the first time she's been properly excited about something in a long time. She hasn't been abroad since she was 3. She has also had a really tough year.
I think if I cancel because of DH it will really damage their relationship. Maybe that's me being dranatic.
Both DD and I need a break if I'm honest. DH has obviously dominated everything since he became ill and that's fine because it's how it needs to be. However I think it's going to be the case for a long time (possibly forever) so I think we need to minimise the impact where we can.
For the above reason I also think I need to set expectations. We cancelled a few things when he became ill and I dont want that to become the norm as harsh as that sounds. I feel like his illness can't control mine and DDs lives.
I need this. I need to prove to myself that I'll be ok. When he first went into hospital I realised how reliant I was on him and thought I wouldn't cope. That isn't healthy. I meed to prove to myself, and DD (and DH tbh) that I can do things.
DD needs to see that she doesn't need to center her world around what other people want and that she shouldn't let them stop her doing what she wants. It's really important she sees that.
I don't know when DH will be well enough to go a long weekend in the UK again, let alone anything bigger.
Financially, I expect we'll have to rely on my wage going forward so things are going to be very different and I dont know if we can afford it again.
So there is the genuine risk that it's now or never.
It just seems like the right thing to do.

As a compromise the holiday has been shortened to 10 days including travel and we will be sticking to the tourist areas instead of going off to random places like we'd planned.

I do feel awful and guilty and like I'm a bad wife for not putting him first. I do feel like I'm purposely doing sonething that I know will cause him pain. I feel like I'm letting him down and I know I will find the holiday stressful and challenging and it's really scary. Of course I'll spend most of the holiday worrying about him and feeling guilty and worrying about sonething going wrong. So then that makes me wonder why I'm doing it at all.

DH is really angry and upset over it. His anxiety is spiralling. He is feeling like I'm not listening and don't care about the impact it is having on him. He is also resentful because he will need to stay with his family while DD and me are away because he isn't well enough to be by himself.

Although, they have been very little help over the last few months so I dont know what I'll do if they wont let him stay.

They will judge me more than they already do.

My family will judge me. But my parents wouldn't even go on a daytrip alone. It meant that we missed out on things because my mum wouldn't do things if my dad wasnt able to go with her. I dont want that for my DD.

So anyway, I will be taking DD on the holiday and I'll deal with the fallout. But I was just wondering what other people would do? Would you disregard your DH and go on holiday or would you put or DH first? Please be kind. It's really upsetting and whatever I do is wrong.

Your Dd deserves just as much care and attention as your Dh, harsh as it sounds you need to start planning to meet all of everybody's needs in the context of Dh's illness and you can't wait around for the perfect time to have a break, it won't come. Go with Dd, have a wonderful time and recharge your batteries for the next round.

5thchildso · 18/06/2026 20:04

Sunandsunshine · 18/06/2026 19:58

You have detailed your experience of family mental health issues.
Well I have also a long and painful experience of a family member with mental health issues which started in her late teens and which had far reaching negative long term affects on our family. I also have struggled with my own mental over the course of my life.

That is why I am very aware how hard this situation is on OP and her DD. But , apart from being a great believer in the " in sickness and in health" part of the wedding vows, I feel that mental health is very much dismissed as being a nuisance. And sufferers are not afforded the same compassion as those with debilitating physical conditions.

If OP goes on this holiday and her DH's mental health deteriorates again, as it appears to be doing already, then the set back to his recovery will have long term detrimental affects on all three of them.

Show quote history

I'm trying to think of what physically debilitating condition either me or dh could have that would mean the other one could not take our dc away for 10 days. I'd have to literally be in my final days for this to be a problem.

motheroftwonotsolittleones · 18/06/2026 20:04

I've read your previous threads. Go on this holiday, you both NEED it! Don't feel guilty. DH's family can support him for 10 days.

edited to add:- I have a severe mental health condition and would still and do wave dp off happily when he goes away with his brother and nephews

PinkyFlamingo · 18/06/2026 20:04

Go and don't let him guilt trip you.
What is it exactly that's wrong with his mental health and why do you think he won't improve?

Unusualsuspects · 18/06/2026 20:04

Sunandsunshine · 18/06/2026 19:58

You have detailed your experience of family mental health issues.
Well I have also a long and painful experience of a family member with mental health issues which started in her late teens and which had far reaching negative long term affects on our family. I also have struggled with my own mental over the course of my life.

That is why I am very aware how hard this situation is on OP and her DD. But , apart from being a great believer in the " in sickness and in health" part of the wedding vows, I feel that mental health is very much dismissed as being a nuisance. And sufferers are not afforded the same compassion as those with debilitating physical conditions.

If OP goes on this holiday and her DH's mental health deteriorates again, as it appears to be doing already, then the set back to his recovery will have long term detrimental affects on all three of them.

Show quote history

And what if everything sets him back? What then, when?

Honestly, it’s not always him. Yes, often, but not always.

She’s not leaving him, she’s helping another family member who needs her too.

ExitPursuedByABare · 18/06/2026 20:03

Do it. I’ve been in a very similar situation. Shipped him off to stay with his sister whilst DD and I went on holiday. People can judge all they want. We had a great time.

Sunandsunshine · 18/06/2026 20:03

jeaux90 · 18/06/2026 19:33

Go OP. You are her mother. Not his.

I honestly can't believe comments like this.
Do you really believe that there should be no caring and compassion between spouses?
You make it sound as though the poor man is unreasonable in expecting any sort of love from his wife because it should all be exclusively her DDs.

ThePieceHall · 18/06/2026 20:00

Sunandsunshine · 18/06/2026 19:58

You have detailed your experience of family mental health issues.
Well I have also a long and painful experience of a family member with mental health issues which started in her late teens and which had far reaching negative long term affects on our family. I also have struggled with my own mental over the course of my life.

That is why I am very aware how hard this situation is on OP and her DD. But , apart from being a great believer in the " in sickness and in health" part of the wedding vows, I feel that mental health is very much dismissed as being a nuisance. And sufferers are not afforded the same compassion as those with debilitating physical conditions.

If OP goes on this holiday and her DH's mental health deteriorates again, as it appears to be doing already, then the set back to his recovery will have long term detrimental affects on all three of them.

Show quote history

The teenage daughter deserves a chance of happiness and she can’t go abroad solo at 16. Everything in families is checks and balances. Why prioritise the needs of an adult over a child?

Esmeraldathe3rd · 18/06/2026 20:00

And yes to turning your phone off. You are leaving him with his family. They are capable of handling this themselves. You could say that in an emergency his brother can contact your friend and she will inform you so you can contact them. So you have peace of mind that say, if he tries to kil himself, that you will know, they won't harass your friend over every little thing so will keep it for emergencies.

Or say "only contact me in absolute emergencies, the type that would make you get an emergency flight and come home yourself, if you contact me about anything else I will block you. And follow through. They're his family. They can handle it. You know he will harass the shit out you and threaten you with all sorts so just black him from the off.

AgnesX · 18/06/2026 20:00

Having read your previous threads and the terrible time you've been having - go. Your less-than-D-H will just have to manage. His health can't continue to rule your lives.

Finish · 18/06/2026 19:58

As someone with a DH with years of mental ill health history, I say go! Your DH has a possible reason for his selfishness but his family have non. Your summer has already been changed and for ten days they can manage.
As for his family? They don’t mind you not focusing on him to work, to run the house, to sort your daughter - just to do anything fun for you both. As if they are worth giving a shiny shit about.
Nearly a decade in from my DH’s issues starting it’s the holidays, parties, nights out and weekends away have kept me sane. Your life doesn’t go on hold. He certainly doesn’t stop your daughter decompressing and having a short holiday after a difficult year.

Sunandsunshine · 18/06/2026 19:58

ThePieceHall · 18/06/2026 19:39

I could not disagree with you more. The OP’s daughter is 15 and will likely be taking her GCSEs next year, so holidays become more tricky to avoid clashing with revision. If the OP’s husband has been discharged from hospital on the say-so of an AMHP after being sectioned, then he must be significantly improved. Mental health disorders like psychosis (I’m not saying this is what the OP’s DH was being treated for) can be soul-destroying for loved ones. My elderly mother suffers with psychotic delusions, my brother was sectioned twice, for six months in total, with obsessive compulsive thoughts after trying to kill himself on railway lines, plus my teen has personality disorder and self-harms, seriously and regularly. Sometimes, you need to cling to the joy in life to avoid being taken down as well. OP, please, I know you are wavering, but for the sake of your teen, please go on this holiday. I understand that your husband is mentally unwell but there are services he can contact ( local Crisis team) and you say his family are at hand. Mental illnesses can make people very selfish to the extent that they can only see their own needs and wishes. Your DD is getting to the age where she will probably not want to go on holiday with you any more. You are not being selfish and your needs matter too.

Show quote history

You have detailed your experience of family mental health issues.
Well I have also a long and painful experience of a family member with mental health issues which started in her late teens and which had far reaching negative long term affects on our family. I also have struggled with my own mental over the course of my life.

That is why I am very aware how hard this situation is on OP and her DD. But , apart from being a great believer in the " in sickness and in health" part of the wedding vows, I feel that mental health is very much dismissed as being a nuisance. And sufferers are not afforded the same compassion as those with debilitating physical conditions.

If OP goes on this holiday and her DH's mental health deteriorates again, as it appears to be doing already, then the set back to his recovery will have long term detrimental affects on all three of them.

reelcat · 18/06/2026 19:55

Please, please, please go. You both need this so much. Your husband is ill and isn't thinking in you or your daughter's best interests at the moment. You need to do this for you and your daughter 💐

SemperIdem · 18/06/2026 19:55

If you are the poster that I (and others) think you are - I cannot stress enough how much I think you and your dd should go on this holiday.

After such a horrendously difficult time, you deserve this time.

Esmeraldathe3rd · 18/06/2026 19:55

Absolutely 100% go. I'm pretty sure I know you're precious thread and your H really put your daughter through some shit. Yes, he was, is ill. But part of recovery is accepting the impact it had on other people. It doesn't sound like he's doing that yet. And she absolutely deserves a holiday and taking that away would be furthering the impact of his illness on her.

You have to accept he doesn't have capacity to actually make a decision about big things like this. And part of his illness was intense self centeredness so thinking his daughter shouldn't get a holiday is very in character for his illness. So honestly, don't take it personally.

So what if people judge you. They haven't been through what you have.

WutheringTights · 18/06/2026 19:53

Unusualsuspects · 18/06/2026 19:12

You are going on holiday, you are not leaving him. This needs to be kept in perspective. No one needs to sacrifice their entire life, and the life of their child to another persons mental illness. Please please go. It’s so important that he is not the only cosmic force around which your whole lives revolve. He is poorly, yes, but staying will not fix him, but it will damage you and your daughter. Please, please go.

This post nails it.

Beachdrift · 18/06/2026 19:48

Absolutely go. Enjoy yourselves. Important for you both to have time that is about you.

WhosGotTheKeysToMyBimma · 18/06/2026 19:47

No matter what, go on the holiday.

You need the break and your DD needs to feel like she is the family priority.

You've done more than anyone should be expected to, keeping the show on the road, while your DH is ill.

It's more important than ever to take what time you can to regroup and have fun while you can.

youalright · 18/06/2026 19:46

Absolutely go and turn your phone off why your away to save the daily manipulative messages you will likely get

thestudio · 18/06/2026 19:46

Ask him to explain why his mental health is more important than his DD's.

Thenose · 18/06/2026 19:45

When we arrived at the airport for our family holiday a couple of years ago, our youngest DS (who has severe additional needs) wouldn't get out of the car. It didn't even occur to us that we'd cancel the holiday for his two siblings. I took them away for three weeks on my own and DH took DS home.

GO ON YOUR HOLIDAY! You have nothing to feel guilty about. Misery should never be allowed to spread further than necessary. Your husband should be happy you're able to provide this for your daughter while he can't. Hopefully, once he's doing better, he'll take that point of view.