AIBU to take our daughter on holiday while DH is unwell and doesnt want me to?

This is a tough one, on one hand you and Dd definitely sound like you need a break. On the other hand depends on how ill DH really is and whether you have made adequate arrangements while you are away. That is something only you can answer. Also since you mentioned it was a mental health issue could his unhappiness about you both going cause him to take drastic action like not taking his meds etc. making himself more unwell, while you are away. Would you then have to rush back etc. There are no right or wrong answers. Maybe write all the pros and cons on a sheet of paper and then see how you feel.

Yes, I understand that some people can’t go on holiday. I’m one of them this year as I can’t afford to take my children away. I don’t believe it’s an inalienable right to have a holiday. You seem shirty that I’m disagreeing with you? There are posters here saying that they had to become martyrs to their parents’ mental health when they were children. Genuinely, I would always put the child’s needs first. The DD is looking forward to her first foreign adventure. Living alongside serious mental illness as a child is terrifying and destabilising. It’s not clear from the OP’s posts if his objections are because of his mental ill health or the fact that he is a controlling man. Genuinely, a decent parent, even in illness, would want the very best for their child and for their child not to see them suffer.

Not unreasonable at all. She needs to be your priority and he look elsewhere for support. Hopefully an opportunity to reset.

You know the cliches...
Do not set yourself on fire warming others
Put your own breathing mask on first
But they are both true
You need the respite
Your daughter needs to be put first
You do not need anyone's blessing or permission
Most parents agree kids, especially ND kids, come first until they reach adulthood
Do not tie yourself up in knots Xx

Keep the holiday. Two years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. I had surgery on my head and literally my eyes swelled shut and I couldn’t even drive. Dh and dd had a two week holiday to France booked to do a sport they both love. They did not cancel on my insistence. I stayed home 48 hours post surgery looking like a melon with a 6 year old to look after solo for 2 weeks.

When life is tough, kids need something to look forward to and keep them distracted. I managed just fine being home without them and looking after a young child on my own, despite being in a lot of pain, not being able to see and with a brand new cancer diagnosis to adjust to. Being ill is tough, but when you have kids, being ill is no longer all about you. I remember your previous thread about your Dh and this trip. I think you’re doing the right thing by going and it’s the best thing for your dd.

If OP goes on this holiday and her DH's mental health deteriorates again, as it appears to be doing already, then the set back to his recovery will have long term detrimental affects on all three of them.

His mental health is ALREADY having long term detrimental effects on the family.

OP and her DD can't be held to ransom indefinitely by her DH's needs. They need a break and 10 days is hardly a long time.

OP I remember your previous posts. You have been so amazingly strong. You and your daughter deserve and need this holiday - please go.

I think you’ve heard enough by now but please go - your daughter is getting older and these opportunities are going to be even less in future.

Not the same situation but - my husband took our daughter away on holiday for 2 weeks when I was in and out of the hospital with severe morning sickness with our son. I wanted them to go and enjoy it (though was obviously super jealous). Sometimes life is just unlucky and you have to miss out.

Do you think if your husband was in a better place mentally he’d support you more? A lot of this is, sadly, probably his illness talking if he was previously more kind.

Yes I would. Caring for your spouse doesn't stop you caring for yourself and others that you are also responsible for.
I'm the spouse that stopped holidays for my mentally ill husband. It's been 30 years since I've been out of the uk, he's never well enough, has no family I can leave him with, and the expectation was set after the first couple of cancellations that I would always prioritise him and his needs over my own. I can honestly say that my wellbeing has suffered as a result. He does also now have cancer. I've never gotten to see the places I would love to see (and never with my DH who I love deeply which would've made it even more special) and I never get a break.
I don't recommend anyone put themselves in that position and I sincerely wish every day that I'd stood my ground and put myself first those first couple of times. The thing is, you think it's just for now, but actually it could end up being forever.
And yes, when I say I would prioritise a holiday over my unwell husband it sounds terrible, but I'd still do it because I matter too.

Go x

Absolutely go. If your husband was anywhere near thinking clearly he would be saying this too.
You are a great mum for maintaining a focus on your daughter. You will make lovely memories and she will remember how you supported her.
Going forward you can only care for your husband if he plays his part in making this possible. Which means him recognising your needs and those of your child. Otherwise his illness will tear you apart. Sadly mental illness can make people turn inwards and lose sight of the bigger picture. It is ok to challenge him and orientate him back to your marriage and your family.

Hope you have a fantastic time OP.

I’m presuming most posters haven’t read your previous thread and the hell you(all) have been through.
You have stood by and supported your husband through everything for which he should be very grateful. The awful things you had to go through nobody would want to deal with so for now I think you should put yourself and your daughter first.
You and your daughter deserve some nice times and a break.

He will be safe with his family. OP and her daughter can't put their lives on hold for ever. They need some respite and their needs are just as important as the husband

Hi OP I am the carer for my DH with LB dementia. Being a carer is really tough and it can be really tough on kids. A ten day break is quite reasonable and I think even at this stage, you do need to reach out and ask family, particularly DH’s family to provide some support if at all possible. That being said, from my experience equally do not be surprised if they refuse or simply ghost you. It is surprising how few people wish to be involved with mental ill health of any sort. You also need to think about support longer term. if DH is quite ill can he look at available benefits? This might provide some resource to give you and your daughter a break. I hear what you say on being judged. Asking for help can be useful in the limited sense that if they are not willing to do so, at least they will be quieter.

Are OP and her DD not entitled to some care and compassion? Why is it inhumane to not but the husband first but perfectly acceptable to not put the child first?

Go

Yes.
Put an oxygen mask on yourself and your DD OP.

As i said in my previous posts I have experienced long term living with someone with mental illness and I'm very aware of the awful strain and difficulty it creates.

It's a horrible situation. And I realise my view is obviously a minority one. But my feeling if is OP's DH has been discharged from hospital then his mental health must have improved. Surely helping this improvement and recovery would have a much better long term outcome for this family? Going on holiday might provide a short term fix, if OP could actually enjoy it but the inevitable sey back tohuis mental health is going to impact them all when they return.

I was just thinking about you yesterday and wondering how you were getting on.

I voted - go.

100% go!!

Is this the same “d” h that also was saying very worrying things about his daughter before he was hospitalised? He is a horrible person and his mental health condition has just allowed him to feel he can become even more controlling over your and your daughter’s life! Is this what you want her future to look like? Would you be happy for her to end up with a partner who’s like her dad? Controlling and abusive and extremely selfish and self centred? Because children learn from their watching their parents relationships and if mom stays in an unhealthy relationship then they learn that this is normal and acceptable.

I don’t think he should have even come home to your house tbh! He should be either still in hospital if he can’t be left or manage on his own or with a member of HIS family

You need to put your daughter first here. Go.

You say longstanding in your comment. So you are aware that serious mental health issues rarely go away. There may be some periods of being well but they can very suddenly be at crisis point again.
So if OP was to worry about her DH having a set back, in reality that could mean that she never goes on holiday again. It is highly likely that it means she will never have a holiday with her child again, as she is almost an adult.
What about the impact that has on OP and her DD? Why doesn't protecting their wellbeing and mental health matter? Caring for someone with mental health issues has a severe impact on the carers own mental health. Having a parent with serious mental health issues has a huge impact on the child. What good is it to DH if they both end up as unwell as him? Who will do all the caring in the family then?
The OP absolutely should take her DD in this holiday. If her DH recovers in the future and moves past the self-centred nature that often comes with MH crisis (no judgement on that, I've been there), he will realise that his wife did the right thing in putting their child first.

OP I’ve also read all your posts. Please please go. You and your daughter badly need this trip as both a break and a chance to build up your relationship. I think you said before that if your husband was in a better place mentally he would want you both to go, he just can’t see that now as his illness is making him think only of himself.

and to “in sickness and in health” crowd, she’s talking about 10 days in major European cities she’s not moving to the moon. She can be home in a matter of hours if needed

You need a break and your daughter needs to know that sometimes she comes first.
Please go and have a wonderful time.
Your husband will be safe with his family. It's only 10 days.
Good luck.