AIBU for not being firmer when a child grabbed my baby?

Don’t worry about it, you did well keeping your cool and the mother was very much in the wrong here. The feeding thing would have e been an absolute no no for me and that mother should have reacted appropriately then. It was a bit of a unique situation, which is unlikely to happen again - don’t dwell on it, you did great.

Her parent should have controlled her, learning difficulties is not an excuse.

If you aren’t going to speak to the mother then really you should have just removed yourself and your baby the second the child picked up the bottle and tried to put it in the baby’s mouth. You really shouldn’t have entertained it any further, but we all think of other solutions after the fact. At the end of the day your baby is fine so no point dwelling on what might have happened or what you should have done.

Interesting because I read your OP and thought - this isn’t going to be the first time in your life you’ve overcome your own concern, comfort etc in order not to anger another person. That sounds like behaviour you learnt a long time ago.

In a way I envy your patience because since having a toddler I’m so used to telling her “Put that down! Say sorry! Don’t take that child’s toy!” etc that my filter level is basically zero and I have to struggle not to tell colleagues to blow their nose properly (joke but only just). But you clearly felt that your reaction today scared you a bit and so it’s probably something to practice. I do mean practice too - you can just say to yourself “No thank you! She doesn’t like that.” Or “Stop that please.”

In the future calmly saying to the parent, “I know your dc wants to be friendly but please can you take her away now” then say to the child, it’s nice to meet you now it’s time to go and play elsewhere, firmly, politely and pleasantly

This. I'd also worry that if I made sudden moves or raised my voice that the 9 year old might lash out. You don't know them or how they react to these things.

I also find that some (and I said some, not all) parents of children with SN can react badly to perceived criticism of their children. This mum should have got a better grip on the situation and the fact that she was right there and wasn't doing so wouldn't leave me with much hope that she'd react well to be told to manage her child.

I think you sound quite smart! I'm assuming your baby wasn't hurt. You noticed the other child was responding badly to firm boundaries and tried to find a balance. She very easily could have lashed out.

Don't be hard on yourself.

The other mother was the problem here. I have a child with learning disabilities who is very interested in babies so i know they can be difficult but there is no way i would have allowed her to do any of this.

FFS Nd or not it's not an excuse.

Thai was your first time when this has happened. You will be more ready for the second, third, fourth....

Use it as learning. No harm was done so take the learning

frankly? i would have said firmly and clearly to the girl "go away" and if she hadn't moved, i would have told the mum to get her child away from me. Had the girl tried to touch my baby after that i would have shouted, sharply, "NO" and then told her and her mum to go away.

Also what was your husband doing during this??

(You said he came over midway)

Quoting myself. I do wonder if OP overrode what most of us would consider her instinct for fear of offending the child/mother of a disabled child. Tricky situation.

Just stand up and walk off? How tall is this 9 year old?!

Often in stress situations we freeze a bit and don’t react how we imagine we will. These experiences are all learning, baby isn’t hurt but chalk it up to experience, now you know some parents will not intervene when they should and you have to be more vocal.

This is my thinking, surely you're instinct would be to protect your baby? Shout no?

That was also my first thought. Had it been an aggressive or bouncy dog, that would have been my first instinct in order to protect my child. Unless OP is not much taller than the 9 year old?

I know hindsight is a wonderful thing, but this just seems instinctive, no?

I’d have stood up at the point she grabbed the bottle, and if she kept grabbing at the baby I’d have been firm with the mother to please stop her daughter. If it had still continued, I’d have called DH (because he’s quite tall) to take the baby and hold her out of reach.
I wouldn’t have just sat there letting her continue.

The girl’s mother sounds useless.

My sister has a child with additional needs and it’s exhausting - it also means that her radar when my niece is upsetting people is a little off as she has to tune out so much low level difficult behaviour and only focus on the really really dangerous stuff. So sometimes when we’re out it’s me who intervenes as I’m quicker to spot when people are getting annoyed (and I have more energy as I’m only on alert for a few hours!).

Don’t feel bad OP and I’m sorry my first response was a bit harsh. I can guarantee that the girls mum probably feels worse (either when she thinks over the incident or, if it passed her by, just plain exhausted from parenting a high needs child all day). Enjoy your baby ❤️

You're bigger than the child. So what if she got aggressive to you? You physically needed to overcome your obvious fawn response to protect your baby. Shout loudly to the mum. Make it clear this is not ok. Or she'll sit there staring into space while the child does it to someone else.

The first thing I’d have done would be to stand up which would have prevented all of the following but hindsight is a great thing. You’ll know for next time

Don't feel shit, just practice saying no and being a bit more assertive. This was an easy situation to be assertive in as you were dealing with a child