Have you noticed this with your parents as they’ve got older?

I'm going on 75 and my DH nearly 80. His health has seriously deteriorated over the past year and is now virtually housebound and I have the task of looking after him for everything in his life as well as all the cooking, cleaning, gardening, driving, household finances etc. etc. I wanted us to move house to something more sensible than our 5-bed detached with large garden but he wouldn't hear of it, so now our lounge has become a hospital bedroom and he lives in there with some visits in his wheelchair to the breakfast room to watch telly and eat his meals. He is doubly incontinent and is currently at the hospital (50 miles away) under specialist neurological investigations.

My life has changed beyond recognition in less than a year and the stress is driving me insane. I am so tired I could sleep all day, but am existing on 4-5 hours a night, often disturbed. Plus I have spent the last 30 months battling cancer and new symptoms have arisen that are worrying me to death.

That said, I am a fighter, and not about to go under yet. I keep up to date with the news, politics etc and am pretty good with technology. I volunteer in a serious capacity for two local charities (mostly work I can do at home) and my main complaint is that I have lost all my friends either through recent deaths or the fact that I can't go out and meet people. I don't fuss about blueberries, rarely complain about minor stuff (though I might rant about it to DH!).

All that said, I have developed the annoying feature of becoming overwhelmed with everything and have to keep asking my wonderful DD (busy-busy mum of two and a full-time job) to help out - and she does her best so I am very lucky.

But right now I hate what my life has become so suddenly and am fearful for our futures. My main concern is that my youngest DD (43) is currently in the maternity ward of a hospital 200 miles away, being induced with her first (and probably only) child and I am not likely to be able to visit every again.

Yes, we thought we were comfortably off in retirement but carers 4 times a day for 30 minutes a time are costing over £50k a year. I may well become a grumpy old lady before too long!

Rant over. Be thankful that your aging parents have nothing else to worry about other than blueberries!

It’s also interesting that people talk about older people assessing their own mortality, thinking about how much time they’ll have left alive. I do this a lot and I’m only 46. Possibly because I lost my mum at 22 when she was only 53. I often calculate my children’s ages if I were to die at various ages and I have a very latent buried terror of leaving my children when they’re “young” (particularly my eldest who has nothing to do with his dad).

My mother is 83 and sucks every single solitary piece of joy out of a room or even a phone call. She is also a generally horrible human. That said, she has always been this way so, I assure you, it could be worse 😂

does your bro always talk rubbish?

Definitely was the case with my mum but she was always a drama queen. It just got worse after she retired. Dad, on the other hand, was always pretty chill and mostly remained that way.

PILs are lovely but both worriers and that's gotten worse with age too. I think it's probably more a case of age/too much free time amplifying the more negative personality traits.

Mine are both dead & my mum died young but I remember my dad as he got older losing confidence & getting more anxious. He was generally a happy person & a lovely man but seemed to lose confidence over things he had previously done with ease and worried a lot more about things. He enjoyed being alive but found the physical effects and mental effects (memory etc) of ageing depressing.

I think there will always be the half empty and the half full type of people and don't think it has anything to do with age. Look at Gen Z and all their mental health problems.

I'm approaching 60 and very happy with my lot. I don't have much but make a point of enjoying myself. I'm also not one of these MN women who get all frothy about men. Love them too!

No my parents were always happy. I only have my mum now but she is one of the most positive people I know. X

My brother maintains that everyone needs a certain amount of drama or stress in their lives. He reckons the retired for a while create the stress they would have had at work etc by getting annoyed at petty nonsense that wouldn’t have been on their radar when younger. I’m not entirely convinced.

That doesn't sound normal. Must be awful to be around. We are in our 60's and that is not tracking with me.

Not an age thing at all. Family with a few nonagenarians here and none of them behave like this. The comments about their lives nearly being over are particularly odd. Realistically they could live another 20 years. Age really is an attitude.

I find this "they need to be busy, they need a routine" thing really strange. One of the things I dumped as soon as I retired was being busy and having a routine. I do keep active. I am a keen gardener and do a load of my own DIY but I do it to my schedule and If I want to binge watch something and go to bed at 2am, I will do that too. I know that all people are different.

Check out the symptoms for Dementia. It is possible one of your parents has it and the other is covering.

Perhaps is less then never being happy is how they always have been to a lesser / less obvious extent

I am extrapolating hugely but with multiple buy to lets that suggests very money driven and that isn’t associated with being a happy sort of person

No, my parents aren't like that at all and neither are any retired people I know. They're just glad and appreciative of having more time and are busy.

I agree, from my time working in healthcare and with the public, elderly people are so rude and entitled and will argue black is white even when proved wrong.

Edited to point out that it’s my three children whom I am including in the settling of my father’s estate 🙄

My parents were quite dramatic as in everyone needed to know all the detail. “We had to buy a new kettle!!”, “my hairdresser has left the salon!!” etc.
So, whilst I am including them in the settling of my late father’s estate because it affects them directly, and even tho I do speak to a combination of the three every day, I don’t share things they don’t need to know.
My daughters were upset that I hadn’t told them about a mammogram recall, but why bother them unless there was something to be bothered about (there wasn’t).

this is definitely a thing. We’ve just had my PIL and my mum stay with us for my eldest school graduation. My MIL cried twice while she was here. Once because my 11 year old old mentioned that she thinks my FIL favorites my nephew and the other time because she doesn’t feel as academic as my mum. Absolutely exhausting. I just had to say to her that I loved her very much but she can’t be doing this at such a busy time.

Me too.

No. My parents are in their 80s and have never been like this. A bit difficult at times but generally content and happy with life.

They’re bored and have more energy than they need on a day to day basis.

I voted YANBU as you're not alone. But not something I have to endure first hand, fortunately. They do spin things out to fill up a day though!

I'm sure the not working thing is part of it - maybe a bit like the PTA politics and whether to change the date of a school fair/fayre can be the centre of attention for someone not working, but a total insignificance for a parent attempting to retain a full time job? What's important just has a different focus...

Would they be up for volunteering for anything? National Trust garden? Food bank? Officials at a sports club or parkrun? Lollipop crossing? Helping at a church playgroup or community outreach event each week? Taking on a patch of neglected ground in your community to tidy up & grow fruit/add a book swap box?

Doing something to benefit other people is one of the surefire ways to make people who already have more money than they need actually feel better about themselves (the alternative is writ large across the faces & emotions of those billionaires who choose only to focus on self "improvement" cosmetically & sowing division between those who have less than them).

Can you gently encourage them to find some new creative & volunteering opportunities to turn to? They should have decades ahead of them, they might as well be happy, fruitful ones!

I wouldn't say so .. my dad is 74 doesn't moan about petty things .
Goes fishing see's us all very regularly seems very contented in life.

actually the people I know who have done this are in their 30's