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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not make my son share?

713 replies

drearyllama · 11/06/2026 17:14

I took my 3½-year-old to a toddler swim session today where they put loads of toys and floats out. We arrived at the start of the session and he chose 2 buckets, a watering can, a few small toys and a float, then we went to the opposite end of the pool away from everyone else because he prefers independent play.

He played happily with those same toys for around 45 minutes. Another family then arrived and came to our end of the pool. Their older child repeatedly tried to take the watering can from my son, but he said, "No thank you, I'm playing," and held onto it. The child's adult moved him away the first time.

About 10 minutes later it happened again, but this time one of the adults came over and, while I was sitting right next to my son, told him that he had to share because he had two buckets. He again said,
"No thank you, I'm playing," but she took one of the buckets anyway and handed it to her child, saying,
"See, you have one now."

My little boy was upset because he'd been playing with those toys for nearly an hour. I didn't want to argue in front of the children, so I just reassured him and left it.

About 10-15 minutes later, the little boy came back again and tried to take another toy. This time my son shouted "No!" The lady came over, collected her child and said to the other adult, "Shall we get out?" The other lady replied, "Yes, because he's not sharing and she's not making him share."

We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected. I also feel that if another parent had an issue, they should speak to me rather than taking something from my child.

I'm genuinely interested to know what others think.
Would you have said something, or would you have left it?

OP posts:
Nursemumma92 · 11/06/2026 18:20

drearyllama · 11/06/2026 17:31

I don’t know if there were other toys of the sort left by the time the family arrived. I imagine other kids may have had them. Why did my child have to be targeted after the first time he said no? Why no one else’s?

This is batshit. Letting your child play with a toy for an hour and not letting anyone else have a turn is not teaching them to share.

No you shouldn't have to teach your son to hand over a toy he is playing with the second someone else wants it but I'd have said 'you can play with that for 1 more minute but then it's time for someone else's turn.'

Imagine if it was the other way round and you arrived in the pool so see there weren't many toys not being played with. You'd be mortified if your child was upset because another child wouldn't share their myriad of toys (that are communal).

Sirzy · 11/06/2026 18:19

drearyllama · 11/06/2026 17:31

I don’t know if there were other toys of the sort left by the time the family arrived. I imagine other kids may have had them. Why did my child have to be targeted after the first time he said no? Why no one else’s?

Did other children think they were allowed to take as many as they wanted?

One or two toys at a time then swap is the fair way for everyone. Your encouraging selfish behaviour.

SapphireOpal · 11/06/2026 18:19

Absolutely finish his "turn". But his "turn" should be like...5 minutes. Not over an hour 😂 is this a reverse?!

Neurodiversitydoctor · 11/06/2026 18:18

JoB1kenobi · 11/06/2026 18:13

Do we as adults insist people share their phone or chairs etc when out? No. You do not need to share an item you’re not done with. As adults we don’t, we can’t then expect 3.5 year olds to.
However, if it’s not owned by you, and he had it for an hour and it clearly was wanted by another, I think 15 minutes is sufficient time to be courteous and use it as a teaching moment to show that it’s polite in civilised society to share.

Did he need to? No.
Should you have encouraged it? Yes.

Yes we do ! If there are not enough chairs then those most in need get to use them. We share nuts, crisps, biscuits etc. Jesus in our house we have a rota for car use. What on earth do you mean adults don't share?

Justdontdoit · 11/06/2026 18:18

You sound entitled and by your account and last comment, it seems like you are raising up your DS to be the same

Feetballislife · 11/06/2026 18:18

drearyllama · 11/06/2026 17:14

I took my 3½-year-old to a toddler swim session today where they put loads of toys and floats out. We arrived at the start of the session and he chose 2 buckets, a watering can, a few small toys and a float, then we went to the opposite end of the pool away from everyone else because he prefers independent play.

He played happily with those same toys for around 45 minutes. Another family then arrived and came to our end of the pool. Their older child repeatedly tried to take the watering can from my son, but he said, "No thank you, I'm playing," and held onto it. The child's adult moved him away the first time.

About 10 minutes later it happened again, but this time one of the adults came over and, while I was sitting right next to my son, told him that he had to share because he had two buckets. He again said,
"No thank you, I'm playing," but she took one of the buckets anyway and handed it to her child, saying,
"See, you have one now."

My little boy was upset because he'd been playing with those toys for nearly an hour. I didn't want to argue in front of the children, so I just reassured him and left it.

About 10-15 minutes later, the little boy came back again and tried to take another toy. This time my son shouted "No!" The lady came over, collected her child and said to the other adult, "Shall we get out?" The other lady replied, "Yes, because he's not sharing and she's not making him share."

We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected. I also feel that if another parent had an issue, they should speak to me rather than taking something from my child.

I'm genuinely interested to know what others think.
Would you have said something, or would you have left it?

All the toys for all that time? Share. FFS.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 11/06/2026 18:17

Obviously more context needed but nevertheless the other child needs to learn not to demand other people's things.

C152 · 11/06/2026 18:17

Tricky one. If they were toys you brought with you, then you're right not to share if you don't want to. Since the toys didn't belong to you, they were out for all the kids to play with, and your child had two buckets (amongst other things) that they'd been playing with for nearly an hour, it does seem fair to let another child play with one of the buckets.

bigsoftcocks · 11/06/2026 18:16

I call reverse

Tableforjoan · 11/06/2026 18:16

We don't take a selection and hoard them in the corner of the pool, getting cross at anyone who dares to approach.

@canonlydoblue

Your description just had me visioning a dog basically growling in a corner at anyone who comes near his squeaky toy.

Thats what you’re raising @drearyllama the barky snappy dog in the corner.

TheIceBear · 11/06/2026 18:15

ShetlandishMum · 11/06/2026 17:57

I have seen staff intervene in situations like this at our local pool.

I guess there are people like this out there. But someone actually writing a post like this and articulating their reasons and not seeing how unreasonable they sound seems unrealistic.

latetothefisting · 11/06/2026 18:15

"We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected."

"the other kids can have my cast offs once I'm done with them" isn't sharing!

They might have been slightly unreasonable if your son only had 1 bucket - although even then YWBU to have hogged it for nearly an hour. There is no way he was playing with at least 7 different things at the same time, so yes YWBVU, and selfish.

WhatNoRaisins · 11/06/2026 18:15

If this is real then I'm not sure communal activities with shared toys are a good idea for you.

Bloozie · 11/06/2026 18:15

The toys are there for everyone to use and you/your son took:

  • 2 buckets
  • A watering can
  • A few small toys
  • A float

If he had taken one toy and was playing with it for an hour, no, you don't share.

Sitting on a dragon's hoard of toys for over an hour when I assume he only has one pair of hands - I'd have encouraged him to share.

Also - you're not teaching your son to share if he only gives something up when he's bored of it. You're teaching him to be entitled. Sharing is about generosity and sacrifice and thinking about what would be nice for other people, not just yourself. You are not modelling a shred of that.

Steeleydan · 11/06/2026 18:14

MANCHIIIIILD · 11/06/2026 17:21

I genuinely don't believe a child could pick and carry all of those toys and go to another end of a pool at 3 and a half years old.

If this actually happened you are being obscenely unreasonable.

He must have 6 hands!!! 🤣

Butterontoastandtea · 11/06/2026 18:14

Sorry completely unreasonable.
You’re not teaching your child to share you’re teaching him to be entitled - he will struggle when he gets to school age.

Jackiepumpkinhead · 11/06/2026 18:14

Why did you take so many toys? He couldn’t possibly play with them all, at the same time. You’re being unreasonable.

JayJayj · 11/06/2026 18:14

Nope!! I would have maybe given a bucket, since you had 2. But definitely not to the watering can.

There is a time for sharing and taking turns and also a time when you don’t have to. Your child was still playing with them so tough on the other kid.

TrayBakesAreSweet · 11/06/2026 18:13

We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected.

How is that sharing? Child chooses toy and plays with it for as long as they like, even though other children are waiting for a turn. Then they ‘share’ it when they’re finished? I don’t understand. If the child has discarded the toy because they’re fed up with it and another child subsequently plays with it, that’s not sharing. I mean, come on!

JoB1kenobi · 11/06/2026 18:13

Do we as adults insist people share their phone or chairs etc when out? No. You do not need to share an item you’re not done with. As adults we don’t, we can’t then expect 3.5 year olds to.
However, if it’s not owned by you, and he had it for an hour and it clearly was wanted by another, I think 15 minutes is sufficient time to be courteous and use it as a teaching moment to show that it’s polite in civilised society to share.

Did he need to? No.
Should you have encouraged it? Yes.

BillieWiper · 11/06/2026 18:13

It sounds like there were clearly no other toys left. Your child may have been 'targeted' because those children also wanted to play at that end of the pool.
And saw one child with so many toys they couldn't be playing with them all simultaneously.

Your kid had two of one thing and one of everything else for an hour. I can't imagine there was enough to go round for everyone to have multiple items to themselves for that long.

Why not bring your own if you don't want your kid to have to share communal toys?

familyissues12345 · 11/06/2026 18:13

Independent play? Is that in other words to mean the other side of the pool, away from others, so he doesn’t have to take turns?

Im not one for thinking children should have to give stuff up as soon as another asks, but there has to be a balance surely.

RVectensian · 11/06/2026 18:13

tipsyraven · 11/06/2026 18:12

An hour is an awfully long time for the other kids to wait. I would find it frustrating to wait an hour in a pool to use a float, for example, and I am an adult. It really isn’t fair.

Especially given the majority of sessions are only around that long anyway!

OldCrohn · 11/06/2026 18:13

Good on that other parent. I wouldn't have felt I could do that but would be fuming at your selfishness

RVectensian · 11/06/2026 18:12

AlphabetCucumber · 11/06/2026 18:10

When people say “I teach that they are allowed a turn before they share”, they just mean they don’t make the child hand it over instantly. The adult is still meant to make sure they do share after a reasonable time playing with it. They don’t mean they let them keep it as long as they want and screw everyone else!

If this has happened after 10 minutes of playing, you’d be reasonable but bordering on unreasonable if you didn’t start sharing soon. You’re definitely selfish and unreasonable in your example!

Exacting that. We would always say "let's have another 3 goes/5 mins" or whatever is relevant and then let someone else have a try.

Who knows, maybe next time you won't be in time to hoard your stash OP, and your son may be the one left with nothing. Let's just hope the other families have better manners than you in that instance.

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