To think my friend is being ridiculous?

I presume she is still your friend-have you not ring, text, spoken to or seen her since?

I would contact her (how you normally do) and see if she wants to do one of the things you normally do together and take it from there.

She obviously means a lot to you. She was being unreasonable expecting everyone to make a very expensive hen do, and shouldn’t have behaved in the way she did.

I think I’d say, be the bigger person and call her first, if you don’t want to lose the friendship. Can you maybe arrange a more low key hen night for her, in addition to her weekend away? It might help smooth things over a bit.

Wait until after the hen trip and see where the dust settles. Some of the other women who are going should be able to give you a good idea of her frame of mind.

You've been invited and you've RSVPd. So you're expected to be there. Just not turning up when you've been catered for would be massively unreasonable and far more likely to destroy the friendship.

You say that you weren't the only one to not go to the hen do. So if you're anxious about it all, contact one of them to see what they're planning on doing.

Oh for the days when a hen do was a night at the pub and a male stripper 🥰🤣😇

As you have RSVPd to the invitation I would assume you are still invited to the wedding unless she tells you otherwise- not to turn up when she has paid for you to be there really would end the friendship. Attending without having spoken in months would be awkward so I would send her a message checking in on hiw she is.

Re her reaction- did she attend your hen do/go out of her way for you before your wedding or after by offering babysitting or similar? If so I can understand her being a bit miffed that you won't do the same or go out of your way for her. If not, then she is being unreasonable.

The other thing that occurs to me is that very often the 'hens' end up having to split the cost of the bride's holiday between themselves. She's probably pissed off because the less people attend the less likely she is to get her costs covered.

Then the polite thing to do would be to let her know if you decide that you're not attending?

YABU at all.

As you have said, going would be a big upheaval in terms of flying, rooming, childcare, money, work - and to be honest, even if you were practically able to go, it's still your personal choice! Plus, you were transparent early on that you wouldn't be able to go.

The fact that she has reacted badly to this reflects on her and not you. Of course she is disappointed that what she wanted to do has not worked out, and she is allowed to be, but equally she needs to appreciate that expecting other adults to go along with exactly what you want regardless or preference or circumstance is very unrealistic.

If you have accepted the invite to the wedding and she doesn't message in the meantime to 'un-invite' you (which would be a very dramatic and unnecessary thing to do!) then I would assume you are still invited and attend if you can, but recognise that this friendship is not one you have to chase post-wedding.

For context, I have/had a high maintenance friend who organised a hen-do and wedding abroad, neither of which I could go to for work and financial reasons, which she was not understanding of at all - she has been cold with me ever since but the whole situation just highlighted the other fantastic friends I have in my life, and highlighted how hanging on to someone who makes me on edge and makes me feel I need to please them all the time is not worth it!

Keep us posted!

The wedding's not until August. Take control. Ring her and invite her out to lunch. The conversation will tell you all you need to know. If she doesn't pick up leave her a message asking her to ring you. If she ignores it you will also know where you stand. Give it say a week, two max and if she continues to childishly and rudely ignore you - well personally I'd save myself the cost of a wedding present and drop her a line saying that you will no longer be able to attend. Then be prepared if she throws a wobbler that you didn't see the point of going as her actions show she no longer considers you to be a friend.
You told her right from the start that you wouldn't be going, she's treated you really badly.

Note for the brides on here planning weddings - you do not have the right to expect others to pay a fortune for expensive trips abroad, tacky hen nights or any other whims you might have. 😂

I agree with this - people’s circumstances change. One of my friends tells the story against herself of how she bitched about a friend who didn’t come to her hen do because of childcare and moaned that she “couldn’t be bothered”. Only when my friend had a baby herself did she realise how impossible it would have been for her friend at the time! It can see how it must feel hard if you’re the last of a friendship group to marry and you don’t get quite the same experience, but life is like that and you’ll maybe benefit in other ways (friends who are well used to kids in the future, or whatever). It’s not always fair to think people “can’t be bothered”.

I’d assume you were still invited to the wedding. Agree send her a quick cheerful message after the hen, to check in with her and arrange a coffee.

(I probably wouldn’t ask about the hen if there is any possibility whatsoever that it didn’t go ahead, either due to lack of numbers or sulking bride. If you definitely know it did go ahead then yes show some interest).

Wow, no we don't. I've had to miss several of them due to costs involved or home situations.

Sorry you were cursed with such bad taste in men.

Your friend is a bridezilla! Abroad hens are a huge ask financially and personally for the people invited, I refuse to go to any! My holidays are limited and I’m not a massive fan of hen dos at the best of time so I’m not wasting my time off.
i was a friends bridesmaid she chose to go abroad for 5 days. I didn’t go (annual leave, cost and a whole load of other reasons) and she didn’t kick up a stink just accepted it and I attended her home hen night.

some brides need to realise their wedding might be the most important thing in their life but that’s not the case for their guests and wedding party

since you don’t want to lose the friendship if phone to try and clear the air her reaction will tell you if she’s willing to be reasonable and move on

Do you know any of the others who have said that they aren't going? Just to check if they have had any contact with the bride, and if they are planning on going to the wedding.

Just go then. Hopefully a temporary bridezilla phase and she will be back to normal after the wedding.

I would be a bit concerned that you turn up and there's no seat for you though...can you get in touch briefly between now and then.

You said all along you can't go abroad so you didn't do anything wrong.

She obviously went the wrong way about it but it's understandable that she felt upset. If it was just you it would be fine but having a few friends reject is always disappointing. Was there not a bridesmaid or MOH to organise? Weddings are stressful and it can be a lot.

Why can't you reach out to her and just say sorry again that you couldn't come and ask how all the other planning is going? Just see how her reaction is and take it from there?

Bridzillas who want to dress as a born again virgin & spend £20k, £30k or whatever… see spending another £500 on a hen night as just loose change. To most £500 might be all they have in the world and would prefer to choose how they spend it. I know what I’d do with £500 or more… I certainly wouldn’t use it to share a bedroom with a stranger!!
Does she know how much flights to Malaga are at short notice in the summer?????

I would send a polite decline to the wedding and make a new friend!

Reach out AFTER the hen do. Otherwise she would probably just pressure you again to go. Something like 'how did it go?'. That gives her a chance to boast about what you missed. Annoying, but not as annoying as actually going!

I think I’d assume best not to go.

If you want to be clear though I’d send a nice text something like “Hi X, just wanted to check in before the wedding. Hope everything’s going to plan. I know things got a bit difficult about the hen night. I’d still love to come to the wedding and see you get married but if you’d prefer or you think it will be awkward I can decline the invite. If I don’t hear from you, I’ll assume that you’d prefer me not to attend. In which case hope you have a great day and really hope we can get together at some point in the future.”

You say you haven't heard from her but have you tried to get in touch? I think it's one thing if she's not answering your messages or calls and in that case I wouldn't go to the wedding.

If you haven't tried to contact her then send her a message to feel things out (if you want to). If she doesn't reply or isn't friendly then take a view. If you've RSVP'd then you can go but the question is would you want to.

I think it's fair enough to drop out if she's not answering your messages but maybe not if you haven't even tried to contact her.

Do you want to actually be friends with this person and go to her wedding? I would just not attend. Screw being treated that way. Don’t say anything that can make you the bad person. Just let her reach out and make your excuses politely.

Because she wouldn’t find it fun. She’s made that clear!