To think my friend is being ridiculous?

How- where does it say she treats them poorly?

You do realise I am not referring to the OP's friend dont you? I am responding to another poster, not the OP.

I don’t think her behaviour is that bad, but without more context it’s difficult to judge properly.

There is a difference between friendship groups that genuinely compromise and take turns doing things everyone enjoys, and friendships where one person is usually the one going along with everyone else’s preferences.

If your friend has always been the person who “goes with the flow”, I can understand why she’d be hurt that, when it came to her hen do, people immediately started suggesting alternatives that suited them better. It’s reasonable to expect friends to make an effort for an event that’s important to you, even if it isn’t their ideal weekend.

If several people were objecting because it was abroad, too boozy, too long, or not their kind of thing, I can also see why she wasn’t enthusiastic about changing it. From her perspective, it may have felt like an event meant to celebrate her was being reshaped around everyone else’s preferences.

I think it’s not that you can’t go that’s upset her but the way you have worded it. You have made it sound like you just don’t fancy it.
she has asked you to do something special with her to celebrate and you have basically said that it doesn’t sound enjoyable enough for you to go.
did you say sorry financially I can’t stretch to it but let’s do something together when you are back? Or was it I don’t fancy that, in out?

its sounds like she treats them poorly too?

I hate flying, prefer my own space as well so wouldn’t particularly like to share a room.
I was in a similar situation last year I was invited to a hen do abroad but my best friend also made it very clear that she wasn’t really expecting me to go.
She did 2 hen do’s one for this country and one for people who couldn’t/wouldn’t travel (more people attended the UK one)
People will say you’re unreasonable not to go but I think a true friend who knows you well wouldn’t expect you to do something that you would hate….
I wouldn’t go to the wedding if she doesn’t reach out to you, but then I wouldn’t consider someone who behaves as she has a good friend.
Since turning 40 my people pleasing ways seem to have totally subsided and I now have no problems saying
‘No thanks, but I hope you have a lovely time!’

I’d say reach out. Your friend is immature and unable to regulate her emotions, she’s probably embarrassed!
Of it was me I’d take the following approach:
Hey Bride,
How are you? Been a while.
You must be getting excited about the wedding now, I know I am.
Fancy a catch up if you have time?
friend xx

Must be nice for all these people with so much money that they can judge others for not having enough disposable cash to “do what a good friend wanted”. Either that or they’re such amazing people(martyrs) they’ll go without food for a month to make their friends happy.

Let her strop. I find it mad when people expect you to spend HUNDREDS of pounds for their own dreams. When you’re young and in a group and have disposable income then fair enough, but when you’re older, with debts and kids, come on!
I remember an ex friend really wanted to get married to her affair partner in vegas. I said great but I can’t afford it, saving for a mortgage. She said you can spend that and start saving again… as if. So glad I didn’t as they didn’t last.
But no, you’re not unreasonable. That hen sounds like my idea of hell, and you have offered to celebrate her in other ways.

Let her contact you. She needs to apologise for flouncing off.

I hate stuff like this. I had a good friend get really funny with me when I said I couldn't attend her overseas hen. I had a six month old baby, we were scraping together every penny for a deposit for our first house plus I was on SMP so I just couldn't justify spending money on that! She disappointed me that she couldn't see past herself to see my reason was justified. If I could've gone I would've and I thought she knew that about me. It really hurt me and made me think differently of her.

I'm not sure why considering your own needs is being presented as a character flaw. Most people start with what they can realistically afford, fit around work and childcare, and are comfortable doing.

That's not selfishness, it's being an adult.

An invitation isn't an obligation. If attendance at an expensive hen weekend abroad is the benchmark for friendship, that's a very high bar. It would also indicate the bride views friendship from a place of entitlement rather than inclusivity which I would argue to me, is "off".

I meant the starting point about the way you think about your friendships. The starting point for you is your needs and how much you’ll “inconvenience” yourself. That to me is off.

Honestly- I think you were being unreasonable.

I was the bride with bridesmaids who were pregnant/had young children. We all lived in different parts of UK so I wanted to meet somewhere in the middle but it didn't work out without putting one of them out so I just didn't have one because I didn't want to exclude anyone or put them out of their comfort zone.

Now I'm a mum myself - I think f that. If your friend has been generous and loyal to you, and you truly value her friendship, they you can put your preferences aside this once and make her feel valued. It's not about you. You should get gratification by seeing your friend happy and having a good time.

I love my baby and also would never choose to go to magaluf. But if a good friend wanted that for her hen then I'd suck it up and do it.

It would be different if you genuinely had no way to afford it or no childcare options - but you've said you just don't want to. So yes, YABU and fair play to her if she doesn't value your friendship anymore.

Bridezilla sounds immature and entitled. No doubt some drips who can't really afford it will feel obliged and end up on her hen do abroad.

Message and say hi and how was the hen do and ask her round for a meal or something that takes a bit of effort on your part. Id guess that she's just feeling vulnerable and unloved and thats not a nice place to be. Just make it clear in your deeds that she's still important to you as there might be all kinds of other stuff going on for her. You have disappointed her, which is fine, but up to you to try to repair it.

I'd say do not escalate. Don't miss the wedding if you have RSVP'd. Don't call to ask if the invite is still good, implicitly saying something like "you might be so upset with me you don't even want me there" or worse " I don't want to go to your wedding" , which is going to hurt.
I'd say carry on as normal, maybe offer a friendly message or to go do whatever you normally do when you see her. Go to the wedding unless you hear otherwise.

She sounds like an insufferably self-centred person. Highly doubt the marriage is going to last so nothing lost in not attending.

People online love to complain endlessly about hen do's and so on. In reality, you bailed on a big moment in your friend's life, and not everyone is accepting and understanding about that. She's made her feelings clear through her silence. I'd just accept the friendship is over now if I were you OP.

She explained in her OP why. 🤨

Abroad hen do's are just unreasonable IMO! Especially for a group of women in their mid 30s as many of which will possibly have children and therefore caring responsibilities to juggle. You were perfectly entitled to say no.

As you've received the wedding invite and RSVP'd already I'd say you're definitely still invited and should attend unless you hear otherwise, it would definitely be best to speak to the bride beforehand to clear the air so it's not awkward on the day!

I honestly cannot understand people who behave so poorly about their hen do's/weddings - why do they think they're the centre of the universe and have the right to treat their friends/family like crap just because they're getting married?!

If she doesn’t contact you between now and the wedding I think I would be making my excuses for not attending, rather than risk a frosty reception if you do turn up. I’ll never understand why grown and otherwise intelligent women turn into simpering whiny children when it comes to their weddings.

This ! My idea of hell too.
I’ve never been on a hen trip.