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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is being ridiculous?

284 replies

pollyhilly · 10/06/2026 10:57

Someone I consider a good friend is getting married in August. Her hen is in a few weeks but discussions about it started months ago. Lots of ideas being thrown around but she was adamant that she wanted to go abroad on a boozy long weekend to Magaluf. I said quite early on that I wouldn’t be able to go abroad due to cost, work and childcare. To be honest I just really didn’t want to do this type of weekend either, I’m not a good flyer and the thought of sharing a hotel room with people I don’t know isn’t my idea of fun. I was happy to do something in the UK and I was very honest about all of this.

Anyway the deadline for booking was a few months ago and at that point the bride sent a message around telling everyone she needed definite numbers for booking so at this point I said no im
sorry I can’t come. 2 or 3 others also said the same. She didn’t take it well at all. Gave a big speech about how she didn’t think it was a lot to ask etc etc then left the group. I was quite shocked at her attitude and entitlement to be honest although she does have form for being a bit of a drama queen.

Anyway this was about 6 weeks ago and I haven’t heard from her since. I know the hen is happening early July so I’m wondering once it’s done and the dust has settled it she might reach out. If not I’m wondering if I should still attend the wedding in August? It’s very awkward having to message her and ask that question but if the silence keeps up I have no idea where that leaves me?

Aibu to not have gone? I just find hen dos like this so unbearable and I offered to do something else with her back home but it was a flat no. I’m willing to put myself out for my friends to a point but this just seemed like too much. Would you reach out after the hen or just assume you’re not invited to the wedding anymore unless you hear otherwise?

OP posts:
Morrisdancer24 · 11/06/2026 12:54

MHO is that some women can turn into absolute bridezillas on the run up to the wedding. On top of organising the actual day (potentially without much help) it sounds like she's doing the organising of the hen do as well.
Playing devil's advocate, she may just be overwhelmed and extremely stressed. It's a lot! I wouldn't not go to the wedding, however I also wouldn't sit back and do nothing. She has a lot on her plate at the moment. She may be thinking your silence speaks volumes in your part of the friendship. Reach out.

ThestoriesIcouldtellyou · 11/06/2026 11:15

I think she probably had a bridezilla moment and it's extremely unlikely she wants to uninvite multiple friends from her wedding. I would send a message, totally avoiding the hen night discussion, asking how she was doing in the run up to the wedding and that you're really looking forward to it. She will appreciate the olive branch, and if she doesn't then fuck her.

Original poster
pollyhilly · 11/06/2026 10:27

the7Vabo · 11/06/2026 06:45

Again, it’s now you think about it how much effort you will make for your friends, and using words like “inconvenience” when asked to do something for a friend.

I don’t disagree with your conclusion but I do disagree with the way your approach and think it would be worth reflecting on.

Show quote history

I don’t really know what you’re struggling with here. I don’t approach every situation from a standpoint of ‘how much will this inconvenience me?’

I like doing things with my friends! But on the rare occasions that something is put forward and for various reasons I will struggle to do it (be that finances, work, family commitments, or just not really fancying it) I have to question how much I’m able to stretch myself to be part of it. And if it were a night out to a restaurant I didn’t like or an activity that was going to be expensive I would absolutely do it because the inconvenience’ would be minimal. I can be a good friend and still not agree to every thing.

OP posts:
inkyfingers · 11/06/2026 08:32

You haven’t spoken recently so you don’t know what she’s thinking. Go to the wedding. She can’t really cancel your invite if you’ve accepted and then you’ll get a chance to congratulate her, and chat briefly. Don’t spoil her big day by cancelling and see where the friendship goes after that.

Newmummypamela · 11/06/2026 08:07

Oh my goodness, you've done nothing wrong!! Even if I'd pots of money and childcare wasn't an issue, this type of hen sounds pure shit. It's the sort of thing that if you agreed to go, you'd be absolutely dreading it in the run-up.
I'd probably still go to the wedding despite her behaviour, then see how it goes from there as to whether I wanted to continue the friendship. I'm not sure if I could honestly get past how unreasonable she has been!

Lifestooshort71 · 11/06/2026 08:04

You did the right thing in saying no for all the reasons you gave but I can understand you still valuing the friendship. I'd do as others have suggested re a text message ('have a great time etc') and then a couple of weeks later ('hope you had fun etc') - don't expect an answer to the first one as she'll still be pissed off with you but if you don't get an answer to the 2nd one....I'd presume my wedding invite was cancelled!

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 11/06/2026 07:55

I think you need to reach out before the hen and ask to clear the air if you want to save the friendship. Be honest with her that you would be financially strained hence why you couldn’t go as much as you would have loved to.

If she still chooses to be in a huff about it all then don’t go to the wedding and cut ties but explain why 🤷🏼‍♀️

the7Vabo · 11/06/2026 06:45

pollyhilly · 10/06/2026 15:47

No that’s not how I think about my friendships at all. It’s how I assess situations like this perhaps, but it’s certainly not a starting point like ‘hmm shall I be friends with this person or will it inconvenience me?’

Ultimately it’s common sense isn’t it. Someone suggests something and you have to figure out if you can do it based around your own finances, circumstances and feelings. If there are any barriers you need to work out how far you are willing to push these barriers or if it’s just something you have to say no to. It’s not difficult.

Show quote history

Again, it’s now you think about it how much effort you will make for your friends, and using words like “inconvenience” when asked to do something for a friend.

I don’t disagree with your conclusion but I do disagree with the way your approach and think it would be worth reflecting on.

CDgirl · 11/06/2026 06:43

pollyhilly · 10/06/2026 20:44

It was suggested to her by myself and a couple
of the others who said they couldn’t go. Like ‘really sorry we can’t do this but can we please arrange something for you closer to home as well, we still
want to celebrate with you.’

It was a hard no from bride.

Show quote history

To be honest she was probably worried more would cancel if they thought there was going to be a more local hen do

andnowwhatdowedo · 10/06/2026 23:11

Some people seem to lose their marbles completely as their wedding approaches. Hopefully you will go along and have a good time and she'll recover her sanity after the honeymoon.

30dayss · 10/06/2026 22:52

Assuming you've been invited and RSVP'd...

Just text after the hen do
"Hi friend. Hope you had a fab hen do. Sorry to have missed it but would love to see the photos. Fancy a coffee on Tuesday?".

If she doesn't respond then I'd text her closer to the wedding
"hi friend. I've not heard from you since you May. I hope you are ok. I'm so excited for your wedding! Can I just double check what time should we arrive?".

If still no answer then
"Hi friend. I've not had any replies to my texts. I'm upset that you clearly dont want me to be part of your wedding anymore but I'll respect your wishes. I hope you have a lovely day and you and Dave have a happy and long marriage. Take care".

I'd let one of your mutual friends know you're not going as well just to make sure she knows.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 10/06/2026 22:30

I sort of agree with @Dogmum74
I'd just add that if you want it sorted now to determine if there is any friendship to be salvaged to message her. Obviously you will not think of her in the same way if you do stay friends.
"Hey, Sara, just touching base to see if there is any chance to get together before you go away."
I'd try to arrange the others who can't go to the hen to join. If friend doesn't reply, or is still in a strop I'd likely not go to the wedding and write off the friendship. The only reason I'd give it one more shot is because wedding and planning pressures can make a person a bit crazy. There might be a lot going on and friends not going to possibly her dream hen could've been the final straw for her. Just a thought. 🤷‍♀️

IsThistheMiddleofNowhere · 10/06/2026 22:22

Id message her before the hen weekend and say hope she has a great time and just say sorry you couldn't go and see how she responds. To be honest I wouldn't have gone either.

wizzywig · 10/06/2026 22:21

Save a bit more money and dont go to the wedding

Cyclebabble · 10/06/2026 22:14

I have not done any hen nights abroad. Depending on where you are going, hotels, eating and drinking can easily burn £1k to £2k and that is before you have sorted any presents/clothes for the wedding. I could not justify this type of expenditure to myself and I certainly would not ask anyone else to do so.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 10/06/2026 22:11

pollyhilly · 10/06/2026 18:31

To those asking, no I haven’t reached out or contacted her. The ball is in her court as far as I’m concerned. I’m sad that she’s feeling disappointed of course but as lots of pp have said, her response was rude and entitled and I’m not pandering to it. If I still haven’t heard anything closer to the wedding then I will get in touch to see if I’m still invited but that’s it. I have a feeling once the dust has settled she’ll calm down a bit but I still think the level of entitlement is ridiculous.

She may have over reacted, but you are also acting like a dramatic teenager.

Just message/call your friend.

Gwenna · 10/06/2026 21:08

Houseelf90 · 10/06/2026 20:16

I’d just message her a couple of days before the hen and say “Hey XX, I hope you have a great time away, I’m really sorry I couldn’t make it but I’m looking forward to celebrating your wedding with you. If you want to do something before then let me know x”
Then you’ll be able to gauge her view on you being at the wedding from her reply. She’s probably a very stressed out bride and whilst that doesn’t excuse her behaviour, she could be feeling embarrassed by her tantrum?

She’s stressed out now - wait until she gets the marriage 😉😂

Gwenna · 10/06/2026 21:06

pollyhilly · 10/06/2026 10:57

Someone I consider a good friend is getting married in August. Her hen is in a few weeks but discussions about it started months ago. Lots of ideas being thrown around but she was adamant that she wanted to go abroad on a boozy long weekend to Magaluf. I said quite early on that I wouldn’t be able to go abroad due to cost, work and childcare. To be honest I just really didn’t want to do this type of weekend either, I’m not a good flyer and the thought of sharing a hotel room with people I don’t know isn’t my idea of fun. I was happy to do something in the UK and I was very honest about all of this.

Anyway the deadline for booking was a few months ago and at that point the bride sent a message around telling everyone she needed definite numbers for booking so at this point I said no im
sorry I can’t come. 2 or 3 others also said the same. She didn’t take it well at all. Gave a big speech about how she didn’t think it was a lot to ask etc etc then left the group. I was quite shocked at her attitude and entitlement to be honest although she does have form for being a bit of a drama queen.

Anyway this was about 6 weeks ago and I haven’t heard from her since. I know the hen is happening early July so I’m wondering once it’s done and the dust has settled it she might reach out. If not I’m wondering if I should still attend the wedding in August? It’s very awkward having to message her and ask that question but if the silence keeps up I have no idea where that leaves me?

Aibu to not have gone? I just find hen dos like this so unbearable and I offered to do something else with her back home but it was a flat no. I’m willing to put myself out for my friends to a point but this just seemed like too much. Would you reach out after the hen or just assume you’re not invited to the wedding anymore unless you hear otherwise?

Leave her to it. If she considers you a good friend, she’ll get in touch to apologise and make arrangements. Good friends respect each other - she didn’t have to react like that. YANBU, OP 💐

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 10/06/2026 20:58

pollyhilly · 10/06/2026 20:44

It was suggested to her by myself and a couple
of the others who said they couldn’t go. Like ‘really sorry we can’t do this but can we please arrange something for you closer to home as well, we still
want to celebrate with you.’

It was a hard no from bride.

Show quote history

Well that's weird, unusual, and really quite rude.

Often there will be both home and away celebrations, to include those that can't make the away one.

She really does sound like she threw ALL her toys out of the pram, so let her get on with it.

Original poster
pollyhilly · 10/06/2026 20:44

Prombles · 10/06/2026 18:33

I wouldn't want to go to this either, but I can understand that your friend might feel hurt, particularly if she has made the effort to go to other hen dos in the group and now feels it isn't reciprocated.

Have you considered offering actually to organise a separate hen night in the UK for those who can't travel overseas? That would be going the extra mile for her and you really would have done everything you reasonably could.

It just seems a shame to lose 'a kind and generous friend'.

It was suggested to her by myself and a couple
of the others who said they couldn’t go. Like ‘really sorry we can’t do this but can we please arrange something for you closer to home as well, we still
want to celebrate with you.’

It was a hard no from bride.

OP posts:
BruFord · 10/06/2026 20:26

Honestly, I’d talk to her. Ok, the conversation may be a little frosty to begin with, but it’s better to make contact now than leave it.
I’d say something calling the lines of you’re sorry that you can’t make the hen, but you’re really looking forward to celebrating with her in August. The wedding is the most important event after all.

Worst case, she’ll be unpleasant and say you’re not welcome at the wedding; best case ( and most logical imo) is that she’ll calm down and realize that you’re still friends.

DiamondsAndDenial · 10/06/2026 20:17

I’ve never encountered the nastiness towards weddings in real life the way I have on here

Er... people are saying the hen trip to Magaluf is ridiculous, not the actual wedding.

Are you ok? you seem to be taking this really personally- did you expect everyone to shell out thousands of pounds on your hen do as well and get stroppy and petulant when they didnt?

Houseelf90 · 10/06/2026 20:16

I’d just message her a couple of days before the hen and say “Hey XX, I hope you have a great time away, I’m really sorry I couldn’t make it but I’m looking forward to celebrating your wedding with you. If you want to do something before then let me know x”
Then you’ll be able to gauge her view on you being at the wedding from her reply. She’s probably a very stressed out bride and whilst that doesn’t excuse her behaviour, she could be feeling embarrassed by her tantrum?

NeelyOHara · 10/06/2026 20:13

momtoboys · 10/06/2026 18:38

I know I am in the minority but I think Hen do's (and weddings for that matter) have gone off the rails.

The minority? Are you kidding? This website is notorious for slagging off hen do’s, weddings and brides. I’ve never encountered the nastiness towards weddings in real life the way I have on here.

The OP clearly doesn’t like the bride and thinks she’s 100% in the right so I’ve no idea why she posted. Or why she even wants to go to the wedding of someone she thinks is so bitchy and entitled, come to that.

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 10/06/2026 20:05

pollyhilly · 10/06/2026 18:31

To those asking, no I haven’t reached out or contacted her. The ball is in her court as far as I’m concerned. I’m sad that she’s feeling disappointed of course but as lots of pp have said, her response was rude and entitled and I’m not pandering to it. If I still haven’t heard anything closer to the wedding then I will get in touch to see if I’m still invited but that’s it. I have a feeling once the dust has settled she’ll calm down a bit but I still think the level of entitlement is ridiculous.

I’d be inclined to message her to say hope you have a great time on your hen do and see if you get a response. If she replies and is ok then just go to the wedding.. if she ignores you or is frosty you can decide what your follow up message should be… think that’s better than asking am I still invited…