To think my friend is being ridiculous?

Have you historically put more effort into the friendship than her?

I bet that she wants a higher number of hen do guests in order to her own help pay for her own costs.

This is bizarre - how do you know people couldn't be bothered? not many people like to broadcast the fact they cant afford a weekend abroad because they are down to their last tenner until payday because its bloody embarrassing.

Equally, people might be embarrassed to say that being around a bunch of people they dont/ barely know who are paralytic gives them social anxiety.

Or, they might not want to admit they simply dont want to spend their annual leave on someone else's piss up weekend.

All perfectly reasonable and it doesnt mean they cant be bothered so you really cant make that assumption. Also, if someone deliberately chooses to go on regular trips away that they really dont want to go on, cant actually afford, and causes them huge inconvenience, thats entirely on them and it doesn't follow that other people must do the same in some weird, unpleasant tit for tat

YANBU - I would have done the same too.

She should not judge a situation she is not in .

Hen dos can be ridiculous - IMO if a bride wants people there enough then she has to acknowledge their needs / wants as much as her own. I did a day activity and then a meal / drinks in town. People could come to all or some of it.

Most friends were SAHM or on mat leave so money was tight and they had young kids .
But, I wanted them there !

As for the wedding, as you say hopefully she will have simmered by then . Maybe reach out after she has done the hen do.

she didn’t think it was a lot to ask

It’s a huge ask. As @ThatCyanCat says, if you’d refused to go on a night about because they were going to restaurant you didn’t fancy, then people would tell you to suck it up. But most people have limited time or money (mostly both!) and anyone with kids has to factor them in very seriously. So you haven’t been unreasonable at all.

i agree that, if you’ve had an invitation and have said you are going, I would assume that stands. If you want to get in touch, could you message to ask about gifts? Eg is there a gift list? What sort of thing would be useful? Are there particular vouchers they would like? That’s practical, but opens up the conversation to all matters “wedding”?

She is being dramatic. But without knowing her I might have some sympathy - i have one friend who threw a similar fit but i was sympathetic because she had shelled out so much over the years going to others’ hens and weddings and christenings, she’s been a bridesmaid loads. And people’s excuses were rubbish, they just couldn’t be bothered,

How often do you usually see her / meet up?

Do you want to remain friends?

If so I would just message as if the drama hadn't happened - just say 'Hi xxx, fancy a drink on XXX date' or whatever you usually do.

Stay calm, if she has more to say 'I did say from the outset that a long weekend abroad wouldn't be possible for me - but I hope the rest of you have a great time. Seriously, friend, if this has upset you so much that my wedding invitation is cancelled, do let me know XX'

And I would do everything I could to avoid boozy long weekend on Magaluf. I would rather flush the ££ it would cost down the loo than subject myself to it.

Great for those who would enjoy it - go for it - but it was an invitation not a summons, as the MN saying goes.

It doesn't sound like you're invited to the wedding, op.

You have my sympathy as that weekend sounded like an utter nightmare. Forking out a few thousand just to watch strangers (her other mates) get paralytic, screaming and shouting and waving inflatable willies around.

If relations are so bad that you don't want to call her, then maybe it's time to consider the friendship is over. What a stupid reason for her to end it.

The bride is the one who misbehaved, so it's on her to mend the friendship. I'd leave it for now and see whether she gets in touch to apologise. You have plenty of time before August.

My husband doesn’t go on stag do’s like this. I don’t go on hens like this.

Those kinds of holidays aren’t our cup of tea any more and the cost and inconvenience is just too much.

Go to the wedding and if the bride is off I guess the friendship is over.

But who needs friends like that?

I wouldn't go even if I was still invited. Having a massive hissy fit and leaving the group is not how I'd expect a friend to act. I would message and say as I've not heard from you since you had your hissy fit over the hen do, I assume I'm no longer invited to the wedding . It is on her then to reply and say sorry of course you are, or no, Or ignore you. Either way she's still got time to amend the wedding numbers.

As you've RSVPed yes, then if you don't turn up, that's a real insult and - I agree with you - will signal the end of the friendship. So, I guess it depends on how you feel. If she was rude enough to you that you are happy to let the friendship die, don't go. But if you feel she was having a bridezilla moment but didn't say anything entirely unforgivable, give her some grace and turn up as if nothing has happened. Only you know the difference.

As another poster has said, MN is a microcosm and not a representative sample of everyone. By its very nature there will be more who complain about their husbands unreasonable behaviour. Sadly justifiable in many instances.

I am a man and have regularly refused this type of stag do because a weekend of drunken debauchery holds no interest for me. Not that my friends engage in any debauchery that exceeds staying up past 9pm these days.

What I would do in this situation is carry on as if nothing has happened. No need to make it my problem. I would go to the wedding, having been invited, but make no further comment on any of it. If it is still a problem for the person concerned it will become very evident which then dictates what happens next. Mostly, I would just get on with my life, and not give it further thought. If people want to behave like arseholes, it doesn't need to interfere with my day.

She invited you to the wedding, you have RSVPed yes.

Unless she rescinds your invitation, and you do still want to go, I would go.

However, if you usually message each other fairly frequently, maybe send her a normal 'catch up' kind of message, and see what response you get.

Arsey response - reply saying in the circumstances you feel it's not appropriate for you to go the wedding so respectfully you will not be attending, and wish her well.

No response - reply as above after a couple of weeks.

Normal response - go to the wedding.

BTW there's no way I would go to that sort of hen do, it sounds like hell on earth.

I wouldn't go to this hen either. Too expensive and not my thing. Bride needs to accept that not everyone will attend - perhaps she'll calm down a bit after it's over. I wouldn't try to chase or cajole her - you offered to do something with her in the UK, which is perfectly reasonable.
I'd probably go to the wedding, make the necessary effort there and see how things are after that.
You said there were a few other people who declined the hen invite; do you know whether they've had the same frosty treatment / how they're feeling?

You mean apart from the fact she doesn't want to go & even if she did it's too late now.

@pollyhilly I couldn't be doing with her 'it's not too much to ask' & withdrawing from the group chat. I'd just send a 'sorry can't make the wedding' message & let her crack on with her self obsessed bridezilla routine.

Are there any mutual friends who can give you some sort of steer, or raise this with the bride?

If it were a single evening that just wasn't your thing then I might have said that for a couple of hours you should suck it up (obviously depending on things like childcare and just how badly it might affect you). But a whole weekend of stuff you hate, in another country a flight away, and with all the implications regarding work, money and family... nah, of course not. She's entitled to have that sort of hen and people are entitled to say they simply can't do it.

I think if you've RSVPd you should assume you're still invited and go.

YANBU not to want to go on a weekend Hen Do.

We can usually afford a holiday abroad every other year, I wouldn't be wasting it on going somewhere I don't want to go, doing activities I haven't picked with people who aren't my family.

Did she cancel the hen do or are reduced numbers going? If a lot cancelled I can understand she's upset, but you said from the beginning you couldn't afford it. If the hen do goes ahead I would message her afterwards asking how it all went and hoping they had a great time and reiterate that it was a pity that you really couldn't afford to go, then see what she replies.

I think you either want to ignore her behaviour, carry on as normal, and attend the wedding: get in touch like you normally would, ask her what she's up to, attend the wedding.

Or, her behaviour has put you off her to the extent that you no longer want a friendship with her: change your RSVP and leave her to it.

Yanbu at all. I might push myself out of comfort zone for a hen do for an evening not a long weekend.

For me i would need to have invite or uninvite confirmed before wedding. I would get in touch as you would have normally to allow hen do strop to be swept under carpet. Eg a message or phonecall and day to day chat. Gives her the chance to backtrack on the awkwardness. Not that she deserves it but I would make allowances for an occasional huff from a friend if upset.

I mean, if you still want to go despite her ridiculous behaviour…. I wouldn’t reach out and ask if you’re still invited. I’d just message her about normal stuff. See the vibe. Ask how she is, suggest catching up soon. Speak to her like you normally would. If she ignores you and you literally don’t hear from her until the wedding, then dont go. But if she responds and all is well, then go,

No yanbu and I will forever be baffled by the large number of people who get the raving hump when other people don’t want to attend a weekend away that will set them back hundreds or thousands of pounds where they get no say in where they go or what they do. I find it very odd.

I would just check-in with her after the hen do to see how it went and say that she must be really excited for the big day now.

If she replies, great, invite still is valid.
If she ignores you, great, invite is invalid and you’ve saved yourself 100s of pounds.

You’re obviously not unreasonable.

I personally would be upset with my friend that they felt entitled and wrote a message saying it’s not a lot to ask before exiting a group chat then not messaging me for weeks.

True friends would understand not everyone could go abroad, especially with money/youngDC/just not being their thing. I have declined abroad hens in the past and friends have accepted this and understood.

The thing is you still want to remain friends and go to the wedding, so for that reason I would say reach out to friend and explain how you feel. I personally wouldn’t just brush it over and forget about it, but if I wanted to stay friends id reach out.

I actually have pulled out of being MOH before because my bridezilla friend kept getting annoyed that I couldn’t attend last min bits and even being annoyed when my son was poorly and I wouldn’t cancel taking him to the doctors to go and look at flowers with her.