To think my friend is being ridiculous?

pollyhilly · 2026-06-10T09:57:09+00:00

Someone I consider a good friend is getting married in August. Her hen is in a few weeks but discussions about it started months ago. Lots of ideas being thrown around but she was adamant that she wanted to go abroad on a boozy long weekend to Magaluf. I said quite early on that I wouldn’t be able to go abroad due to cost, work and childcare. To be honest I just really didn’t want to do this type of weekend either, I’m not a good flyer and the thought of sharing a hotel room with people I don’t know isn’t my idea of fun. I was happy to do something in the UK and I was very honest about all of this. Anyway the deadline for booking was a few months ago and at that point the bride sent a message around telling everyone she needed definite numbers for booking so at this point I said no im sorry I can’t come. 2 or 3 others also said the same. She didn’t take it well at all. Gave a big speech about how she didn’t think it was a lot to ask etc etc then left the group. I was quite shocked at her attitude and entitlement to be honest although she does have form for being a bit of a drama queen. Anyway this was about 6 weeks ago and I haven’t heard from her since. I know the hen is happening early July so I’m wondering once it’s done and the dust has settled it she might reach out. If not I’m wondering if I should still attend the wedding in August? It’s very awkward having to message her and ask that question but if the silence keeps up I have no idea where that leaves me? Aibu to not have gone? I just find hen dos like this so unbearable and I offered to do something else with her back home but it was a flat no. I’m willing to put myself out for my friends to a point but this just seemed like too much. Would you reach out after the hen or just assume you’re not invited to the wedding anymore unless you hear otherwise?

Ewock · 23/08/2026 14:17

pollyhilly · 28/06/2026 22:53

I think this is what I’m struggling with. I don’t want to lose the friendship but I am really struggling to accept this behaviour. The rudeness in the first instance, the entitlement, the ignoring, the complete stop on communication, the bitching. Who does that?

I said it earlier downthread - my hen do was a much smaller affair and even then I had a few friends who couldn’t make it due to other commitments and I just said ‘that’s fine, we’ll catch up another time.’

The behaviour is so far removed from what I consider to be reasonable that it’s hard to see a future. But I’m very sad because of the past friendship we’ve shared.

Show quote history

I hope things calmed down with your friend. And you're ok

saraclara · 28/06/2026 23:26

I wouldn't say anything about the friendship seeming to be over. I'd keep it really simple and calm and use that excellent suggestion from a pp.

"I hope the hen went well and you had a lovely time. It's been a while since you've responded to any of my messages, so I wanted to check in with you.
As you know, I have already RSPV'd to your wedding invitation and would still love to attend and celebrate your big day. Please could you let me know if you don't want me to attend, otherwise I will assume that the invitation still stands

... Then just sign off in a pleasant way.

Original poster

pollyhilly · 28/06/2026 22:53

OneThreadOnlybyN · 28/06/2026 22:08

I think it depends what you want the outcome to be. You need to decide. Do you want to still be friends or not? Let that be the measure you use to word your message.

Show quote history

I think this is what I’m struggling with. I don’t want to lose the friendship but I am really struggling to accept this behaviour. The rudeness in the first instance, the entitlement, the ignoring, the complete stop on communication, the bitching. Who does that?

I said it earlier downthread - my hen do was a much smaller affair and even then I had a few friends who couldn’t make it due to other commitments and I just said ‘that’s fine, we’ll catch up another time.’

The behaviour is so far removed from what I consider to be reasonable that it’s hard to see a future. But I’m very sad because of the past friendship we’ve shared.

OP posts:

OneThreadOnlybyN · 28/06/2026 22:08

pollyhilly · 28/06/2026 17:07

Actually this is great advice. It puts the ball firmly in her court and doesn’t give her any way to villainise me. If she wants me to go I will of course, but unless we can get on better terms before then it’s going to be awkward as arse!

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I think it depends what you want the outcome to be. You need to decide. Do you want to still be friends or not? Let that be the measure you use to word your message.

Sophue · 28/06/2026 17:24

pollyhilly · 10/06/2026 18:31

To those asking, no I haven’t reached out or contacted her. The ball is in her court as far as I’m concerned. I’m sad that she’s feeling disappointed of course but as lots of pp have said, her response was rude and entitled and I’m not pandering to it. If I still haven’t heard anything closer to the wedding then I will get in touch to see if I’m still invited but that’s it. I have a feeling once the dust has settled she’ll calm down a bit but I still think the level of entitlement is ridiculous.

I really feel for you. Put it to the back of your mind if you can for now. The entitlement is not worthy of a friendship if this is how she treats you. As you say, the ball is in her court now.

superspideysense · 28/06/2026 17:21

Dontlletmedownbruce · 28/06/2026 17:08

She is being very unfair but people go through selfish phases especially around weddings. If you didn't show up at a wedding you rsvp'd to it would mean you are putting the lid on the coffin of your friendship and it would be very unfair. In fact I'd say it would look like you are being the dramatic one. Be the better person and show up. I also think you should reach out to her. How she reacts is what will decide the fate of the friendship. From her perspective, my friend didnt come on my hen yet didn't even get in touch after, why should I reach out first...

i don't like hens abroad like that and it's a big ask financially and very unfair pressure if people are struggling. But I also have a low tolerance of women who act like they can't leave their kids for a weekend. I spent a lot of money on my friends hens and weddings, sometimes reluctantly but we remain friends because we all put in the effort

But she didn’t want to go for a variety of reasons. Not just about leaving her kids. Some people just don’t like abroad hens and everything that comes with. Doesn’t mean you’re less of a friend!

the brides reaction is childish.

superspideysense · 28/06/2026 17:19

I couldn’t be doing with the childish behaviour to be honest and would just say I’m not going anymore.

you’ve a right to have your sensible boundaries. How ridiculous of her!

obviously if you want to salvage it then send your version. As I’ve got older I’ve just been more careful with who I spend time with.

JustBlock · 28/06/2026 17:09

pollyhilly · 28/06/2026 13:04

I am thinking of sending one last message maybe a week or so after they get back (providing nothing has changed in that time) saying something along the lines of:
‘hi bride I hope you had a lovely time away, just wanted to say that since we haven’t spoken in months and any attempts I’ve made to get in touch have been ignored, I’m going to take it that this is your way of ending the friendship. Obviously I’m very sad about this but I’m not going to keep making effort and apologising when I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. Wishing you luck with everything going forward’.

I know some will say just leave it but I think it’s for my own clarity more than anything. When she realises I’m done with it she’ll probably change her stance again.

I’d suggest you don’t do that, and instead let her think you’re coming to her wedding she’s then footing the bill for an uneaten meal.

Payback!

Then send whatever lovely message you want.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 28/06/2026 17:08

She is being very unfair but people go through selfish phases especially around weddings. If you didn't show up at a wedding you rsvp'd to it would mean you are putting the lid on the coffin of your friendship and it would be very unfair. In fact I'd say it would look like you are being the dramatic one. Be the better person and show up. I also think you should reach out to her. How she reacts is what will decide the fate of the friendship. From her perspective, my friend didnt come on my hen yet didn't even get in touch after, why should I reach out first...

i don't like hens abroad like that and it's a big ask financially and very unfair pressure if people are struggling. But I also have a low tolerance of women who act like they can't leave their kids for a weekend. I spent a lot of money on my friends hens and weddings, sometimes reluctantly but we remain friends because we all put in the effort

Original poster

pollyhilly · 28/06/2026 17:07

Pipsquiggle · 28/06/2026 16:57

@pollyhilly
I think this is a solid text. I would frame it slightly differently.
If you still want to go to the wedding, I would add near the beginning 'As you know, I have already RSPV'd to your wedding invitation and would still love to attend and celebrate your big day. Please could you let me know if you don't want me to attend, otherwise I will assume that the invitation still stands.'

This means she will actively need to respond to you if she doesn't want you there, rather than you presenting an ultimatum on friendship. It gives her a fairly easy way for her to get off her high horse and say......'of course I want you to attend'

If you no longer want to go. Send your version. It's much more to the point.

Show quote history

Actually this is great advice. It puts the ball firmly in her court and doesn’t give her any way to villainise me. If she wants me to go I will of course, but unless we can get on better terms before then it’s going to be awkward as arse!

OP posts:

Pipsquiggle · 28/06/2026 16:57

pollyhilly · 28/06/2026 13:04

I am thinking of sending one last message maybe a week or so after they get back (providing nothing has changed in that time) saying something along the lines of:
‘hi bride I hope you had a lovely time away, just wanted to say that since we haven’t spoken in months and any attempts I’ve made to get in touch have been ignored, I’m going to take it that this is your way of ending the friendship. Obviously I’m very sad about this but I’m not going to keep making effort and apologising when I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. Wishing you luck with everything going forward’.

I know some will say just leave it but I think it’s for my own clarity more than anything. When she realises I’m done with it she’ll probably change her stance again.

@pollyhilly
I think this is a solid text. I would frame it slightly differently.
If you still want to go to the wedding, I would add near the beginning 'As you know, I have already RSPV'd to your wedding invitation and would still love to attend and celebrate your big day. Please could you let me know if you don't want me to attend, otherwise I will assume that the invitation still stands.'

This means she will actively need to respond to you if she doesn't want you there, rather than you presenting an ultimatum on friendship. It gives her a fairly easy way for her to get off her high horse and say......'of course I want you to attend'

If you no longer want to go. Send your version. It's much more to the point.

Original poster

pollyhilly · 28/06/2026 16:03

Silverbirchleaf · 28/06/2026 15:56

It’ll be good to know one way or the other. If she wants to remain friends, then she can be proactive on contacting you. Sad it’s come to this though.

Show quote history

I agree. I’m very sad about it to be honest. But I’m also pissed off at the entitlement and the inevitable nastiness over what I think is a sensible boundary. I’ve always known she was entitled to be disappointed but to effectively end the friendship over it (even temporarily) is so bloody childish.

I will hold off sending the text. Part of me does want it to blow over. Not sure I’ll see see her in the same
light again though.

OP posts:

Silverbirchleaf · 28/06/2026 15:56

pollyhilly · 28/06/2026 13:04

I am thinking of sending one last message maybe a week or so after they get back (providing nothing has changed in that time) saying something along the lines of:
‘hi bride I hope you had a lovely time away, just wanted to say that since we haven’t spoken in months and any attempts I’ve made to get in touch have been ignored, I’m going to take it that this is your way of ending the friendship. Obviously I’m very sad about this but I’m not going to keep making effort and apologising when I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. Wishing you luck with everything going forward’.

I know some will say just leave it but I think it’s for my own clarity more than anything. When she realises I’m done with it she’ll probably change her stance again.

It’ll be good to know one way or the other. If she wants to remain friends, then she can be proactive on contacting you. Sad it’s come to this though.

Easilyforgotten · 28/06/2026 14:13

I suppose the question is, where do you stand now? Either

You would like the friendship to continue, or
It is already damaged beyond repair?

Your message fits the bill in scenario 2, but may need toning down for 1. Personally I would have no desire to attend the wedding if I was planning to fade out after it, seems pointless. You also need to consider what your response would be if she does 'change her tune'. Would an apology help or are you done regardless? The answer to that will probably give you clarity.

honeylulu · 28/06/2026 13:30

I think your suggested final message is a bit too nuclear. You would be directly ending the friendship yourself (unless that's definitely what you want).

She's behaved badly but it's possible that once the hen do is done and she focuses on the wedding day, she might be gutted to realise you're ditching that too.

I would suggest your next message asks if in the circumstances your wedding invitation is withdrawn. And that if you don't hear from her to the contrary then you'll assume that is the position and you won't turn up.

That would leave just enough space for her to confirm you are invited while not losing face. (You can then decide what to do with attendance and if you want to fade out after the wedding.) Or if she says no or doesnt reply you can send a further message to say hope that day goes well, shame the friendship has ended over the hen stuff but wish you all the best, bye.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 28/06/2026 13:22

I think that is the right move OP. Otherwise she could tell people you ghosted her. Good luck

Original poster

pollyhilly · 28/06/2026 13:04

I am thinking of sending one last message maybe a week or so after they get back (providing nothing has changed in that time) saying something along the lines of:
‘hi bride I hope you had a lovely time away, just wanted to say that since we haven’t spoken in months and any attempts I’ve made to get in touch have been ignored, I’m going to take it that this is your way of ending the friendship. Obviously I’m very sad about this but I’m not going to keep making effort and apologising when I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. Wishing you luck with everything going forward’.

I know some will say just leave it but I think it’s for my own clarity more than anything. When she realises I’m done with it she’ll probably change her stance again.

OP posts:

Tryagain26 · 28/06/2026 13:02

pollyhilly · 28/06/2026 12:12

Just an update on this. The hen is happening this weekend (now). I messaged on the day they went wishing everyone a good time. I also messaged when it was the brides child’s birthday a few weeks before. No reply to either.

Lots of social media photos - obviously her choice but lots of tagging of others with ‘best friends, so grateful’ type comments.

At this point I’m thinking that there isn’t much else I can do and I’m finding it all a bit pathetic. I set what I think was a reasonable boundary and her response has been to stop all communication. I am 99% certain there will have been some nasty comments made about me and the other friend who chose not to go because this is the type of person she is. I’ve heard her say some dreadful things about some of the hens who have actually gone with her.

I am sad to lose the friendship because despite this shitty behaviour she does have some good points too. But not much else I can do. Haven’t outright asked about the wedding invite yet.

I think you are much better off without her as a friend. She sounds extremely self centred.

Tryagain26 · 28/06/2026 12:57

Silverbirchleaf · 10/06/2026 11:05

Have you had the wedding invite and accepted it? If so, I Would go, as your place will have been paid for. You did nothing wrong in refusing the hen party invite.

Why are you waiting for her to reach out? Can’t you send her a message and invite her for a meal, cinema, shopping trip etc or even afternoon tea /spa etc in lieu of hen party?

Why should she reach out though after her Bridezilla friend has been so unfriendly?
Going to a hen party isn't compulsory especially when it's going good be an expensive boozy weekend abroad.
Whether you go to the wedding now depends. On whether you have received and accepted an invitation.

Pessismistic · 28/06/2026 12:44

pollyhilly · 28/06/2026 12:12

Just an update on this. The hen is happening this weekend (now). I messaged on the day they went wishing everyone a good time. I also messaged when it was the brides child’s birthday a few weeks before. No reply to either.

Lots of social media photos - obviously her choice but lots of tagging of others with ‘best friends, so grateful’ type comments.

At this point I’m thinking that there isn’t much else I can do and I’m finding it all a bit pathetic. I set what I think was a reasonable boundary and her response has been to stop all communication. I am 99% certain there will have been some nasty comments made about me and the other friend who chose not to go because this is the type of person she is. I’ve heard her say some dreadful things about some of the hens who have actually gone with her.

I am sad to lose the friendship because despite this shitty behaviour she does have some good points too. But not much else I can do. Haven’t outright asked about the wedding invite yet.

I wouldn’t be asking tbh I would remove her from everything I think her no reply is her way of saying your done. She is a diva let her go now. It might hurt but who needs friends like her.

Original poster

pollyhilly · 28/06/2026 12:12

Just an update on this. The hen is happening this weekend (now). I messaged on the day they went wishing everyone a good time. I also messaged when it was the brides child’s birthday a few weeks before. No reply to either.

Lots of social media photos - obviously her choice but lots of tagging of others with ‘best friends, so grateful’ type comments.

At this point I’m thinking that there isn’t much else I can do and I’m finding it all a bit pathetic. I set what I think was a reasonable boundary and her response has been to stop all communication. I am 99% certain there will have been some nasty comments made about me and the other friend who chose not to go because this is the type of person she is. I’ve heard her say some dreadful things about some of the hens who have actually gone with her.

I am sad to lose the friendship because despite this shitty behaviour she does have some good points too. But not much else I can do. Haven’t outright asked about the wedding invite yet.

OP posts:

Happyhappyzoozoo · 11/06/2026 22:26

Imo hen dos abroad are like childfree weddings, absolutely nothing wrong with having them but you do have to be realistic and gracious about the fact that it does mean that not everyone will always be able to attend.

I think the advice to send a friendly message wishing her well on the hen do and see how it goes from there is good

Noshowlomo · 11/06/2026 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread

What has this got to do with anything?

BestZebbie · 11/06/2026 17:41

Save your money for her baby shower…. (And her second baby shower)

Numista · 11/06/2026 17:34

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread