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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

614 replies

Wededed · 09/06/2026 13:03

We are just about to book a wedding venue. We were going to do next summer but are tempted to do 2028 as it gives us more time to save, and more time to fit in planning/ organising.

But this is two years away!!!

We are well overdue this wedding. We have been engaged for many years. I believe 6 or 7!!

With two young kids and assets now worth worrying about legally. Would it be unreasonable to go and get married secretly in private without telling anyone at a registry office.

We can then have the 2028 wedding as planned but if either of us gets hit by a bus in the meantime then we are legally covered.

One part of me thinks this is no big deal. It’s no different to 3/4 of the weddings I have been to where people are having destination weddings or celebrants weddings at unlicensed venues.

The only difference is the extensive time frame and we won’t be able to wear our rings or change our names without others knowing until after the 2028 date.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Poonu · 09/06/2026 20:05

Op, kindly you're definitely not "are intwined in more complex ways than most married spouses". In what measures and what does that even mean?

Tableforjoan · 09/06/2026 19:32

I’m one of those that like real weddings. The whole point is the legal bit. That’s the marriage.

Also the secret of already being married but then having a wedding just sits wrong with me.

If you’re going to do it be open and honest about it so your guests can act accordingly to how they feel about it rather than deceiving them.

Corvidsarethebest · 09/06/2026 19:30

EligibleTern · 09/06/2026 19:20

It is perfectly possible to want a wedding AND a marriage. Some people actually enjoy parties and getting dressed up and gathering to celebrate the people they care about.

I'm not sure this is so true any more. There's been a lot of threads about people wimping out of parties at the last minute, or giving vague responses, and people having big bashes planned and then having a poor show. I think the OP knows that if she were to make it 'just' a party, then people wouldn't come, or not as many anyway. People do still, just about, turn out for weddings and funerals but not much else.

Scrumptiousy · 09/06/2026 19:30

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JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 09/06/2026 19:29

Wededed · 09/06/2026 14:42

Omg! First poster nailed it and I didn’t even realise!

What I need is a civil ceremony, and to be able to convert to a marriage.

Which I can’t because we are not same sex.

I saw a thread last week about legal protections for people pre marriage (so basically us): I agreed with all the reasons that’s a bad idea. Even though I would love that protection for us.

Why not just do that. Sort this problem with civil partnerships and marriages for opposite sex couples.

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Any couple can have a civil ceremony. You don’t have to be a same sex couple.

Scrumptiousy · 09/06/2026 19:29

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Scrumptiousy · 09/06/2026 19:28

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Scrumptiousy · 09/06/2026 19:27

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Original poster
Wededed · 09/06/2026 19:26

FarmGirl78 · 09/06/2026 19:16

Because she wants a wedding not a marriage.

Big frock.
Centre of attention.
Instagram photos.
People talking about it.
Presents.

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Yes you’re right! I want a wedding!

And it’s taken me many years of engagement to process that but thats the conclusion I have come to. I am not ashamed of that. Many people want weddings. I want to celebrate us and our beautiful little family.

We are not showy people. Not sure how you cant tell that from the fact we haven't married for 6/7 years! If we dont have this wedding we wont ever have a big thing. Whether thats a milestone birthday or a whatever. It’s just not going to happen.

Re. Marriage; actual marriage - I already feel married. Legally we are intwined in more complex ways than most married spouses. Potentially a divorce might even simplify a separation at this point 😂

The only thing which is different marriage wise is the ‘lord hath not blessed us’ (well I believe he has actually but a priest in a church hasnt’); and the probate office and HMRC would be after our children’s inheritance.

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 09/06/2026 19:23

Wededed · 09/06/2026 19:12

Thank you, yes thats what I think might be seen as weird. The two year gap. So thats the part I am thinking of just omitting from information

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Ok so you now would tell people before the “big do” in 2028 that you are already married but you wouldn’t say you’ve been married for 2 years- you’d make out like it was a couple of weeks ago? What would you do if they asked you when/ where or to see a photo? And you do know that marriages are registered with the date and place? I really am not sure this is much better.

AnneShirleyBlythe · 09/06/2026 19:23

Wededed · 09/06/2026 19:09

Would you have preferred not to know?

I am wondering whether this is a generational thing because as I said before nowadays I am actually surprised when it’s a real wedding. When I am getting the invite I am assuming it’s registry day/wedding day.

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That’s a weird assumption! AFAIK all the weddings I have attended have been legal ceremonies! There is usually a signing of documents at the end with the best man & chief BM as witness.
I’m in Scotland where I think it’s easier to get married outwith church/ registry offices than other parts of the UK. One couple I am aware of got married at a crazy golf venue! I worked with the groom who told us it was all legal.

AurielleBaies · 09/06/2026 19:21

FarmGirl78 · 09/06/2026 19:16

Because she wants a wedding not a marriage.

Big frock.
Centre of attention.
Instagram photos.
People talking about it.
Presents.

Show quote history

just wondering if a man started this thread if you’d have the same answer.

EligibleTern · 09/06/2026 19:20

It is perfectly possible to want a wedding AND a marriage. Some people actually enjoy parties and getting dressed up and gathering to celebrate the people they care about.

Heronwatcher · 09/06/2026 19:19

Wededed · 09/06/2026 19:03

I am not planning on lying outright. I am just going to say yes we have done the registry bits. Like everyone else who has a pre-register wedding. Thats it.

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So what will you say on the invites, come 2028?

And it seems a bit mealy mouthed- like you won’t tell people but you wouldn’t lie if they asked- is that right? Which seems unlikely. I don’t tend to wander about asking unmarried couples whether they’ve tied the knot. I’d expect them to volunteer the information!

FarmGirl78 · 09/06/2026 19:16

NotMeAtAll · 09/06/2026 13:15

Why bother having anything in 2028?

Because she wants a wedding not a marriage.

Big frock.
Centre of attention.
Instagram photos.
People talking about it.
Presents.

AurielleBaies · 09/06/2026 19:15

AnneShirleyBlythe · 09/06/2026 19:10

Correct me if I’m wrong but I think Muslim weddings aren’t the legal ceremony? I think some work colleagues had registry office ceremonies then a massive wedding shortly after. It’s the 2 year gap that would seem odd to me. Some guests wouldn’t bother attending if it was a distance away, involved a lot of money & effort etc imo.

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But if you were going to make the effort and spend the money on the couple anyway, why does it matter if it’s legal or not? Like truly why do you care. If you don’t want to spend the time or money then don’t go regardless imo.

AnneShirleyBlythe · 09/06/2026 19:15

TheCoty · 09/06/2026 13:51

Just do the register office with the kids and two witnesses. Announce it and then skip the wedding. No-one actually likes going to weddings, they are an obligation and tedious for all except the bride. Spend that money on something for your family.

I love a good wedding! As do many other people!

EligibleTern · 09/06/2026 19:14

What actual difference does it make? Either way you're celebrating the wedding of those two people, so why would you resent buying an outfit and gifts in the scenario where they had already got married beforehand, but not in the one where they hadn't? It's still only one set of costs. There is a weird resentment on here of being invited to a wedding generally, so maybe it's the same people who would welcome an excuse to begrudge being invited even more than usual.

Original poster
Wededed · 09/06/2026 19:12

AnneShirleyBlythe · 09/06/2026 19:10

Correct me if I’m wrong but I think Muslim weddings aren’t the legal ceremony? I think some work colleagues had registry office ceremonies then a massive wedding shortly after. It’s the 2 year gap that would seem odd to me. Some guests wouldn’t bother attending if it was a distance away, involved a lot of money & effort etc imo.

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Thank you, yes thats what I think might be seen as weird. The two year gap. So thats the part I am thinking of just omitting from information

OP posts:
AnneShirleyBlythe · 09/06/2026 19:10

sweetpickle2 · 09/06/2026 13:45

Most abroad weddings you need to get legally married in the UK first.

This thread makes me wonder how many people have attended weddings and watched a ceremony and assumed they're watching the legal one when they're not.

(One could argue, does it even matter whether it's the legal one or not?)

Show quote history

Correct me if I’m wrong but I think Muslim weddings aren’t the legal ceremony? I think some work colleagues had registry office ceremonies then a massive wedding shortly after. It’s the 2 year gap that would seem odd to me. Some guests wouldn’t bother attending if it was a distance away, involved a lot of money & effort etc imo.

Original poster
Wededed · 09/06/2026 19:10

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Well if thats so outrageous I am now considering 2 randoms off the street!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wededed · 09/06/2026 19:09

Pibrea · 09/06/2026 19:06

I went all the way to Italy for a wedding recently which was basically a party. They’d already got married a couple of months previously. I knew in advance that it wasn’t the real wedding but it still pissed me off. They kept referring to the real ceremony as ‘just the legal part’, but it’s not like the fake wedding was in a church or something. So without a religious aspect, the legal part is the bloody wedding!!!

so yeah don’t do this 🤣 you will end up with some bitter relatives like me

Would you have preferred not to know?

I am wondering whether this is a generational thing because as I said before nowadays I am actually surprised when it’s a real wedding. When I am getting the invite I am assuming it’s registry day/wedding day.

OP posts:
AurielleBaies · 09/06/2026 19:09

BIossomtoes · 09/06/2026 19:03

So what kind of ceremony do you envision second time round?

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I don’t know why this is so hard to understand. You know some people have humanist or religious weddings etc? You have a celebrant or priest and they will do a personalised ceremony or a blessing. These types of ceremonies have no legal binding. I have no idea why the legal bit matters soooo much to people here because it doesn’t to anyone else that I know outside of Mumsnet?!

venusandmars · 09/06/2026 19:08

Scrumptiousy · 09/06/2026 18:03

How young? Because attending their parents wedding and not once mentioning it to family or friends… the eldest can’t be older than 2

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And I can't believe they'd have their kids at their 'actual' wedding and not take a single photo...

Pibrea · 09/06/2026 19:06

I went all the way to Italy for a wedding recently which was basically a party. They’d already got married a couple of months previously. I knew in advance that it wasn’t the real wedding but it still pissed me off. They kept referring to the real ceremony as ‘just the legal part’, but it’s not like the fake wedding was in a church or something. So without a religious aspect, the legal part is the bloody wedding!!!

so yeah don’t do this 🤣 you will end up with some bitter relatives like me