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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

614 replies

Wededed · 09/06/2026 13:03

We are just about to book a wedding venue. We were going to do next summer but are tempted to do 2028 as it gives us more time to save, and more time to fit in planning/ organising.

But this is two years away!!!

We are well overdue this wedding. We have been engaged for many years. I believe 6 or 7!!

With two young kids and assets now worth worrying about legally. Would it be unreasonable to go and get married secretly in private without telling anyone at a registry office.

We can then have the 2028 wedding as planned but if either of us gets hit by a bus in the meantime then we are legally covered.

One part of me thinks this is no big deal. It’s no different to 3/4 of the weddings I have been to where people are having destination weddings or celebrants weddings at unlicensed venues.

The only difference is the extensive time frame and we won’t be able to wear our rings or change our names without others knowing until after the 2028 date.

What do you think?

OP posts:
troothfairy · 09/06/2026 21:06

Sensible to get married asap and totally fine to throw a party later when you can afford it, but why lie, even by omission? Just be honest.

“Bob and I have decided to make things official to protect our kids and the business, and we’ll have a proper do when we get round to it”.

Could you combine it with a big birthday or the anniversary of being together?

Original poster
Wededed · 09/06/2026 21:06

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 09/06/2026 20:59

But it's not a wedding! There won't be any kind of a ceremony, just a party to celebrate your marriage 2 years previously.

Or are you planning a ceremony?
Maybe a church blessing?

I think the reason you are struggling with the wording is because its a really odd thing to do, and you are going to be, at the very least, lying by omission.

If you're going to have a blessing, in church or somewhere else, then I think that it's going to come out that you married a long time ago. Or you will lie about when you actually went to the registry office.

What is the plan for your celebration? Apart from wearing the princess dress (which I totally get, btw. I never want to get married again, but I'd wear a fabulous dress to a big party in a heartbeat).

Show quote history

Just to have a nearly normal wedding like everyone else. I say nearly normal because we don’t want some traditions.

So a short ceremony, food and entertainment, party, white dress, take family pictures, cake, drink, flowers, no walking down the aisle, exchange rings.

We aren’t having speeches, bridal/ groom parties, hen or stag dos.

Thinking maybe we can walk down the aisle one after each other - each with one child and they can sit on the front row.

Change names afterwards.

Maybe the invite should just say ‘We invite you to celebrate Mr and Mrs X’

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 09/06/2026 21:02

Valid8me · 09/06/2026 13:06

I wouldn't be impressed if I spent a load of money attending a wedding only to find out that the couple had already been married for nearly 2 years!

Edited

Why does it matter? I don’t see the issue personally.

Original poster
Wededed · 09/06/2026 20:59

Whinge · 09/06/2026 20:35

If I am following the objections correctly then it’s the fact it’s not actually the legal marriage which is upsetting people.

Nope. It's the lying and secrecy,

Fair enough. It’s not ideal I agree.

I don’t think DPs family would be upset if we told them. I do think my family would be and as I said before that is something I just want to avoid.

OP posts:
Woodfiresareamazing2 · 09/06/2026 20:59

Wededed · 09/06/2026 20:34

If I am following the objections correctly then it’s the fact it’s not actually the legal marriage which is upsetting people.

As I said before I have attended many many weddings. Most of which were not the actual ‘marriages’. I consider these all to be weddings. So I don’t know if including that word marriage specifically or disincluding it makes most sense/ or is more misleading.

‘Please join us to celebrate at the wedding of x and y’ is the more usual format of invite and doesn’t say whether it’s a marriage or a civil or a celebrant.

Show quote history

But it's not a wedding! There won't be any kind of a ceremony, just a party to celebrate your marriage 2 years previously.

Or are you planning a ceremony?
Maybe a church blessing?

I think the reason you are struggling with the wording is because its a really odd thing to do, and you are going to be, at the very least, lying by omission.

If you're going to have a blessing, in church or somewhere else, then I think that it's going to come out that you married a long time ago. Or you will lie about when you actually went to the registry office.

What is the plan for your celebration? Apart from wearing the princess dress (which I totally get, btw. I never want to get married again, but I'd wear a fabulous dress to a big party in a heartbeat).

Gloriia · 09/06/2026 20:46

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 09/06/2026 20:19

But you are planning on pretending not to be married, and not wearing your wedding rings.

For most people that would constitute lying.

You said lots of people want you to get married. What will you say if they, over the next 2 years, try to persuade you to 'make it legal'?
Presumably shirk replying - or lie.

Show quote history

It's like what kids say isn't it. 'Oh nooo I wasn't lying! I just didn't tell you the actual relevant facts' Grin.

AngelinaFibres · 09/06/2026 20:45

The registry office part is your wedding day. It is the date that must be written on any legal paperwork you fill in from that day forward. The big dress,party,celebrant doing anything is a party. It is not your wedding. The celebrant is absolutely forbidden by law to conduct anything that involves a marriage ceremony. You can make up your own vows but you cannot retake marriage vows. He/ she cannot pronounce you man and wife and cannot say 'wdlcome everyone to the marriage of x and y' . You will already be married. You can bless that and celebrate that but you cannot do it by reusing the actual legal marriage ceremony. That's a one off.

Roomonthe3rdfloor · 09/06/2026 20:40

Just tell people, I wouldn’t mind going to a wedding 2 years after, it is still a celebration of people I’d love so why would I not want to go and be happy with them?

Whinge · 09/06/2026 20:35

If I am following the objections correctly then it’s the fact it’s not actually the legal marriage which is upsetting people.

Nope. It's the lying and secrecy,

StopFeckingSnoring · 09/06/2026 20:34

Wededed · 09/06/2026 20:23

Ok I think I just need to word this very carefully. And if people ask we can say yes we are going to the registry office and be vague.

So the invites can be ‘We welcome you to celebrate the marriage of x and x?’

Tbh that sounds more official than ‘Come to our wedding’ but maybe I am wrong?

It sounds more honest. Come to our wedding is an outright lie. Fine to ask people to celebrate the marriage I think.

Original poster
Wededed · 09/06/2026 20:34

FrostyPalms · 09/06/2026 20:27

I don't know what you mean. A wedding is the ceremony at which a marriage takes place.

Show quote history

If I am following the objections correctly then it’s the fact it’s not actually the legal marriage which is upsetting people.

As I said before I have attended many many weddings. Most of which were not the actual ‘marriages’. I consider these all to be weddings. So I don’t know if including that word marriage specifically or disincluding it makes most sense/ or is more misleading.

‘Please join us to celebrate at the wedding of x and y’ is the more usual format of invite and doesn’t say whether it’s a marriage or a civil or a celebrant.

OP posts:
Tableforjoan · 09/06/2026 20:32

I’d let people know you are having a 2 witness only marriage with celebration to follow in 2028.

Then in 2028 have your party but it won’t be a wedding it will be a party.

Even fake weddings tend to happen within a month or two maximum 2 years is really just an anniversary party to a wedding nobody was invited to. Not a princess day.

Whinge · 09/06/2026 20:31

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 09/06/2026 20:19

But you are planning on pretending not to be married, and not wearing your wedding rings.

For most people that would constitute lying.

You said lots of people want you to get married. What will you say if they, over the next 2 years, try to persuade you to 'make it legal'?
Presumably shirk replying - or lie.

Show quote history

You said lots of people want you to get married. What will you say if they, over the next 2 years, try to persuade you to 'make it legal'?
Presumably shirk replying - or lie.

This is a good point. If everyone is a keen asyou say then surely, during the next 2 years someone is going to make a comment. Will you tell them the truth, or say oh we're planning on 2028.

Or how about when the invites for the 2028 wedding / party go out. What will you say when people excitedly comment, "I can't wait for you to get married", or "it's been a long time coming" etc. Will you just smile and nod along, or actually admit you've been married for ages?

FrostyPalms · 09/06/2026 20:27

Wededed · 09/06/2026 20:26

I think its the word marriage there that makes it sound more official to me.

Show quote history

I don't know what you mean. A wedding is the ceremony at which a marriage takes place.

Original poster
Wededed · 09/06/2026 20:26

FrostyPalms · 09/06/2026 20:25

It sounds more honest, that's for sure. You can't say "come to our wedding" if you're already married.

Show quote history

I think its the word marriage there that makes it sound more official to me.

OP posts:
FrostyPalms · 09/06/2026 20:25

Wededed · 09/06/2026 20:23

Ok I think I just need to word this very carefully. And if people ask we can say yes we are going to the registry office and be vague.

So the invites can be ‘We welcome you to celebrate the marriage of x and x?’

Tbh that sounds more official than ‘Come to our wedding’ but maybe I am wrong?

It sounds more honest, that's for sure. You can't say "come to our wedding" if you're already married.

Original poster
Wededed · 09/06/2026 20:23

Ok I think I just need to word this very carefully. And if people ask we can say yes we are going to the registry office and be vague.

So the invites can be ‘We welcome you to celebrate the marriage of x and x?’

Tbh that sounds more official than ‘Come to our wedding’ but maybe I am wrong?

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 09/06/2026 20:23

Wededed · 09/06/2026 19:12

Thank you, yes thats what I think might be seen as weird. The two year gap. So thats the part I am thinking of just omitting from information

Show quote history

Oh great, more lying. How adorable.

Woodfiresareamazing2 · 09/06/2026 20:19

Wededed · 09/06/2026 19:03

I am not planning on lying outright. I am just going to say yes we have done the registry bits. Like everyone else who has a pre-register wedding. Thats it.

Show quote history

But you are planning on pretending not to be married, and not wearing your wedding rings.

For most people that would constitute lying.

You said lots of people want you to get married. What will you say if they, over the next 2 years, try to persuade you to 'make it legal'?
Presumably shirk replying - or lie.

YourAquaLion · 09/06/2026 20:18

If you’re also wanting to get married because you have assets and children now, why not just make a will? Then do the wedding in your own time. A few days to a week before is fine but I don’t think people would like to be lied to for 2 years.

Original poster
Wededed · 09/06/2026 20:12

Poonu · 09/06/2026 20:05

Op, kindly you're definitely not "are intwined in more complex ways than most married spouses". In what measures and what does that even mean?

I didn’t say all. I said most. Obviously not going to outline our whole life story on here.

OP posts:
Never2many · 09/06/2026 20:11

Wededed · 09/06/2026 17:40

And it’s also interesting the strength of feeling about it.

Why are not all big weddings shallow and self absorbed then?

Show quote history

A lot are. But the difference is that yours won’t be a wedding. It’ll just be a party. You’ll just be playing brides and bridesmaids because the wedding was years ago not yesterday or last week.

You can’t possibly expect it to be a wedding when you’ve been married for years. It’s just a game where you get to dress up and spend the equivalent of a house deposit for attention.

That’s why it’s shallow and superficial.

I think the cost of weddings is obscene anyway, but having a party which costs tens of thousands of pounds, expecting people to pretend that you’re a bride is nothing other than attention seeking.

BeKookyExpert · 09/06/2026 20:10

This is all moot anyway. You’re all excited now to be planning a big “wedding” but by 2028 you won’t see the point. You’ll have been married for two years and wonder why on earth you’re spending thousands on a party when the cars big end has gone and you need a new boiler.

Confuserr · 09/06/2026 20:09

Poonu · 09/06/2026 20:05

Op, kindly you're definitely not "are intwined in more complex ways than most married spouses". In what measures and what does that even mean?

Ha ha. Maybe they're related?

OP doesn't have a very good understanding of what marriage is given that she's said that you can't legally get married abroad (apparently "everyone knows that"), and that divorce would be easier than separation (100% not true).

Perhaps she's hoping her guests all have an equally loose understanding of reality

Scrumptiousy · 09/06/2026 20:06

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