AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

Why do you think it's odd that people would be upset?

I think it's a perfectly normal reaction to finding out that a close friend or family member had hidden the fact they were married for 2 years. Then decieved everyone by deliberately not calling their partner husband, wearing wedding rings or changing their names, just so they could have a huge pretend wedding 2 years later.

As long as they know it’s not a wedding. People often feel obligated to attend weddings and have to spend money on travel, outfits, presents etc.

If it’s just a party then it’s different

How odd that people would feel upset by this! I got married in a mairie in France and four months later in a church. I think you should go ahead, OP and anyone who doesn’t like it can stay home!

I've voted YABU because it would be unreasonable to keep it a secret.
I don't think the plan to marry now and have a wedding reception with guests in 2028 is a bad one.
If you want to get married for legal reasons just do it but tell your friends and family. No need to keep it a secret.
You can then have a celebration/party/whatever later on when you have saved up for it.
I live abroad and everyone has to get legally married in the registry office first and then there's a church service and reception, or a non-religious ceremony (including exchange of rings) with reception. Some people leave it a couple of years before getting round to the wedding with guests. It's normal. Same applies for people coming from the UK to get married.
Obviously the culture around weddings in the UK is different but there's no reason why you can't do the same, as long as you are open and honest with family and friends.

Why lie?

lapds of people do reg office then a proper wedding party albeit usually days apart

i can guarantee once you’re married you’ll be so happy you won’t want to bother with the big day in 2 years plus you’ll want to tell people and use your new name. Just embrace it and celebrate it

Even worse then. She wants to have a secret wedding and lie to her loved ones because she doesn’t trust her partner to not shaft her in the next 2 years. I thought it was to protect the family unit as a whole. As you say, her husband/partner could change his will at any point so not sure of any benefit there anyway.

Yes, OP can write a will, but what matters (to her) is her partner's will and he can change that at any time (married or not). It also doesn't help in a break up situation.

@pinkbus I mean the OP wants to protect herself and her children by the sounds of it. Presumably from the tax man or assets being passed to family? Could that not be protected against by means of a will anyway? I know (young) couples who have set each other up as their powers of attorney in the event of illness etc.

I can only describe it as a feeling. I got married last year at a registry office and had a small party afterwards. There was such a feeling of joy and specialness around the event. I've had similar size events before and that feeling wasn't there. I was going to have a big party this year but decided against it because it wouldn't be the same.

I think it's a total waste of money, especially if people are having to scrimp and save to have it.

What protection do you mean?

I am a comfortably off single woman with adult DC and a long term partner, who has little in the way of assets but pays his way day to day.

I am protected by not being married. If I married him, there's every possibility that my assets could end up with him, or his next wife, rather than me and my DC.

Sorry, very misleading, a work colleague mentioned it. I have looked into it....lt is actually a proposal, the government are looking into it....Apologies for the mis- information. I should have checked it out before posting. Feel very stupid right now, as does my colleague who is looking at me right now, mouthing sorry...

Can someone explain the difference between paying to attend a wedding that contains the legal ceremony, and a wedding party that doesn't? I don't want to quote any specific posters like I'm arguing with them, but I can't understand why you'd be willing to pay (and book time off work, travel, and so on) for one and not the other when they're both celebrating the same thing. I don't understand what actual difference it makes, or why you would feel short-changed.

But can you put guards in place without marriage? Can you protect by yourself just by your will and if you are below inheritance tax threshold anyway? I don’t know, I don’t live in England.

That's so not true. There has been some (very) early discussion regarding the possibility of a law change. It won't happen (I hope), many people remain unmarried specifically because they don't want to share assets.

Can you link to this new ‘law’?

Dont know if you are in the UK, but if you are, the law has changed about people's rights if they are not married. Do your research and you will find you do not have to get married at all if you are only doing it for legal reasons

Yeah, was just about to say this. Our local church in Spain hosts quite a few Irish weddings (weddings abroad for them) and the marriage is totally legal. My parents got married in London back in the 70s, it is definitely a legal marriage in Spain.

I know I'm being unreasonable but I get annoyed to go to a wedding to discover there's been a ceremony elsewhere days prior.

I cannot explain why though. I think somewhere in my irrational brain, it makes the bit that everyone is invited to performative. I understand most would see it as a celebration and happy event though. Ultimately it's your life and money! Do what makes sense for you 😀

You do what you want! It wouldn't bother me to attend a celebration a couple of years after and give a gift. Its not like your getting 2 gifts so I dont understand those on here griping about the cost. You wouldn't be getting anything the first time round so what's the problem. If friends and family love you they would support whatever you choose to do.

Out of all the weddings I’ve attended only one was fake. They tried to play it off as the real deal but it got out.

We were invited to a second fake wedding clear from the website of the venue. We declined because we were not going to travel all that way, pay for a hotel and get childcare for a party that was being sold as your invited to the wedding or mr and mrs been married for 2 months.

It really is such a naff thing to do.

I don’t think you can have your cake and eat it. It makes complete sense to legally bind your relationship especially as you have children together. Do that. Have the registry office wedding and let the idea of ‘the big day’ go. Save the money or take your kids on a holiday. It’s not worth the faff to chase some fantasy. Your priorities are different, and accepting that is in itself, a celebration of the family you have. The kids will still get to dress up.

Yabu. Your wedding is when you get married. As a guest turning up to a party two years later without knowing it's not a wedding is rude. Just do a smaller wedding now which could just be going to the registry office and fish and chips afterwards or similar and if you arrange a party later be upfront with it.

The OP isn't taking any of our comments on board so why bother posting in AIBU?

Personally I find abroad weddings incredibly self indulgent. To then find out you are spending a load of money and annual leave to essentially attend a party is a bit of a piss take. If you can’t do it legally, do it somewhere else properly imo