AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

When has a child ever had to put their parents wedding date on anything? I’ve never in my life asked for this information.

But it won't be a special day. Surely that would be when you actually got married?

You said you were originally planning to get married next year. 12 months is a decent amount of time to plan a wedding. I’m firmly in the ‘Get married next year’ camp.
This surely seems like a decent choice between ‘Have a rushed small wedding day that isn’t what you really want’ and ‘Have a secret wedding now and then a fake wedding in 2028 and lie to all your guests.’

Another option would be to have the tiny legal wedding now and hold a wedding blessing service with fulls bells and whistles and the reception you want in 2028. And be clear with people that you’re considering this service of blessing as the proper day even though the legal have already been sorted.

If I were your mate, I would be fine with that, and would take my lead from you, treating the blessing as the big day. I wouldn’t be fine with you lying to me for 2 years, and it would have an impact on the friendship.

Ultimately you obviously have to do what you need to do in terms of when you get married. I would just say that deceiving friends about such an important event in your life is not generally something likely to lead to good things.

FWIW, I love weddings and the moment that a couple make their vows is hugely significant. Something legally changes, and the course of their lives together changes too, in that moment.

This might not feel the same for you, but there is a risk if you go ahead with calling the big celebration a wedding, that folk then find out and feel duped / upset with you about it.

Anyway, congratulations on your engagement. Wishing you a very happy life with your husband whenever you get hitched ❤️

Sorry, what I meant was, not whether people would be pleased/displeased with the discovery, but the thought of making arrangements for your estate etc on a 'not married' basis, when in fact you ARE? It could really cause some complications if people don't know.

You might well need to have both the civil partnership and subsequent marriage in Scotland though!

I wouldn't lie about it.

Different circumstances but one of my aunts got married during covid when I think 10 were allowed to attend. They also had young children and wanted to be legally married.

5 years later they had a proper big party. With wedding dress (That she had worn at the small wedding) food/ band, hotel, all the guests properly dressed up. Some short speeches.

Just get married now and have a fabulous party to celebrate your second wedding anniversary in 2028.

Nobody has said they would be upset to be invited to a wedding party that didn't involve the actual legal part of getting married. Literally nobody. Every post that has said they would be upset has said it is because of the deception in calling it a wedding when the couple are already married. That's the only issue people have.

I assume you don't live in Scotland? All civil partnerships can be converted to marriages here.

Go and do the legal bit and tell everyone you did it with a vague date in the future for a party etc. Have very close loved ones as witnesses if that works.

I can guarantee you that you won't have the party (something else will always come up, like a holiday, new car, kids, new boiler and so on, LIFE!) and no one will care either way. You'll have loads of saved expenses and won't be worrying about being hit by a bus either.

I don't want to sound mean, but guests are often not that bothered about going to a wedding because of the cost and logistics. It's usually a jolly for the Bride and Groom. So think long and hard about your priorities. Guests won't care too much.

I agree with the pp saying no issues with what you want to do, but just be open about it.

Have the legal marriage now and the wedding in 2028. Tell people that’s what you’re doing.

If some people get sniffy about going to a wedding because the couple already got legally married for practical reasons, then they’re a bit nuts and probably best to find that out now 😆

Nobody is saying you can’t. Just saying it’s odd that you feel the need to keep it secret. If you do the legal bit now , tell everyone and then have a repeat “ wedding “ in two years that’s your choice. But there will be some people who won’t bother coming because they’ll feel there’s no point . Especially when it will involve expense for them.

If you legally wed in 2026 and have a party in 2028, the 2028 party is most definitely not a wedding 😂. I've known people to marry and divorce in less time!

It's a great thing that you want to protect your children and their future, and if getting married achieves that by all means go ahead. You don't need an excuse for a party, though. There's really nothing wrong with inviting people to a big party to mark and celebrate something. I mean, you've been engaged for 6 or 7 years, you live together, you have children together - it's not like tradition plays a huge role in your life! You've done things as you've wanted to do them so far so why not continue. You'd just be stretching the bounds of reason and credibility to call the 2028 party a "wedding"!

Can afford a wedding, cant afford a party you mean?

I agree and things would be a lot easier for them to sort out.

Just get married and be honest. If you want a big party in a couple of years, have it as an anniversary party, or a birthday party, or whatever - don't pretend it is a wedding. Would you wear a wedding dress? Keep the secret forever, or say 'surprise! We've been married for years!' At which point people would think you were mad.

That's not true for the majority. Only a few places are the exception. I got married in the USA and its perfectly legal.

Anyway - you are right that being married for your children and definitely for inheritance tax is really important. I would be doing it asap. Or yes you can't pass allowances etc on. Its quite worrying some people think wills cover everything.

But, I think you need to have a gap of shorter than 2 years or it does seem a bit silly.

Why not just get married next summer - can you really not save enough for that to be what you want? And if you're feeling panicked get the legal bit done this winter. Then in 12 months you're all done and dusted.

Do loads of people get married two years before then have a wedding party? I can understand maybe a month of so but not two years!
I would want to know, so can decide if it’s worth the days leave if on a weekday or travel needed. I would go if I loved the couple.
But it’s your decision so do what you want.

@Wededed Would it not bother you to lie for the rest of your life about when you actually got married?

It is the scale of weddings now that is prohibitive.

When I was in my 20s wedding receptions were held in the church or village hall hired at their basic rates and the families did the catering. A buffet.

Only v posh people had a marquee in the garden with caterers.

I’d think it weirder that someone kept it a secret and removed their rings before going out for two years as if they are the royal family trying to avoid the paps getting wind.