AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

I have been to weddings of people who were already married (in one case, there was a wedding in each of the couple's countries of origin and we were at the second wedding). It never bothered me. I have been aware of weddings overseas where there was a very quiet legal wedding here followed by a big wedding in another country.

I think your reasons for doing it this way are valid though I wouldn't keep it secret; just explain the thinking and how the actual wedding is still going to be a special occasion. The 2-year gap is unfortunate but unavoidable - it will come round soon enough(!) and, honestly, it's your day and your celebration and anyone whom you included in the lovely, conveniently-located event in 2028 who chose to be massively pissed off by the fact you were already technically married is being a bit of an arsehole.

I’m with you 100% on this!

who gives a toss about signing a contract?

marriage service is one thing - legally binding contract. Not romantic at all and shouldn’t be.

wedding is another matter, a celebration of the union, of the couple, of their love and commitment.

@Wededed I’m getting married in a couple of weeks, just me and him, 2 witnesses- my son and his girlfriend. Then dinner out in the evening for the 4 of us. We’ve been together for 10 years, my second marriage, his 3rd, this is for financial planning and stability in the event of his death basically.

Do what you gotta do to make your family safe and secure, maybe compromise on the ‘do’ and have a celebration next year but be open about it.

In quite a few European countries the civil ceremony is quite prescriptive and can only take place at the civic centre, which aren't usually set up for celebrations. Church weddings are not legal weddings, because they have a separation of church and state that we don't. So it's normal to have a symbolic or religious blessing separately to the civil ceremony.

I have a friend who got legally married the day before his "wedding" in France and spent the night of his marriage sleeping on the sofa in our hotel room because he'd lost the keys to the Airbnb he was meant to be staying in (his half-French wife was spending the night with her parents and siblings because they didn't want to spend the night before what they saw as their wedding together.

But it's the secrecy part that's the issue. I wouldn't personally mind if you got married in a registry office and then invited me to a party to celebrate some time later. I would mind if you kept the actual real marriage secret until the party.

I don’t think the vast majority are saying that. They’re saying have a legal marriage and then a celebration in a couple of years but be honest. I would definitely have no problem with going to a celebration, and can see why that would be the special day. But I wouldn’t like the dishonesty. What is special about a wedding (or a delayed marriage celebration) is having your loved ones celebrating your love. That shared joy and love seems tainted when people are being lied to.

Of course they are all legal weddings. Most require legally registering with the mayors office (legal wedding) and then the actual wedding itself (ceremonial).

Do you not think that anyone who gets married in another country is legally married? A simple Google will tell you if they follow that countries rules than yes it is legal - but they have to do the legal part and not just the ceremony part.

I would suggest your experience is for people who only wanted the wedding part and not the legal requirement part.

Surely the paper part is also important to you and your partner?

Would you really be happy to go through the rest of your life lying to everyone about when you got married? Knowing the when you reach any notable anniversary that you can't actually celebrate the fact you've reached 5, 10 years etc, as everyone else thinks you've been married for 2 years less than you actually have.

I will absolutely be wearing a wedding dress at my "party" and doing our own vows with a friend compering them in front of people. We said the bare legal minimum at our marriage ceremony in the council office and afterwards my kids got the train back to their homes and dh went to a work meeting.

And every person I have spoken to about our plans thinks it is perfect for us, and understands our reasons for delaying until 2028, and they are the people who will be attending.

I think the lying bit is unfair, if you decide to hold a wedding ceremony 2 years after you've already got married then why not be upfront about it....none of this pretending business. Or are you worried that people will back out of coming when they realise?

It's just a bit weird isn't it. Either do it now with whatever funds you have or wait and do it in 2yrs.

hello. obvs I don't know you in real life but I am baffled by the people who feel so strongly about not wanting to go to a wedding celebration unless it's on the same day as the legal marriage. baffled. In 2 years time you could still have a blessing, make vows, all that. In fact, some of the stronger opinions of people who are anything other than "you do you and I'm happy to be invited to any celebration" are the exact reason you've ended up with a quandary in the first place!

The outrage of “finding out it’s not a real wedding” only exists on mumsnet. Do what you want. (real life!) people probably won’t even realise and if they do, won’t care! It costs the same to attend the “real” wedding as the “celebratory” one. It’s just not a big deal!

I want to PM you but not sure how?

Can you try and PM me so that I can reply to you please?

I know - what a silly comment!!

I got married in Rome - all legal and above board.

Seriously? You didn't just say that did you?

Are you honestly saying that people who got married in say France and legally did so (never mind the two step process) aren't legally married in the UK.....

Destinations weddings are generally only good for the couple. If you aren't from that country please don't do it.

Most people are not that fussed about attending other people's weddings. I go out of obligation and to share their happiness around the time of their union (don't care if it's on the same day).

No-one cares as much about your wedding as you do, so get it done now, and then have a celebration party later on with the key family/friends, and make it somewhere super-accessible in the country and more people will go.

I honestly wouldn't want to attend a wedding these days except my own childrens!

I wouldn't lie. I'd just send an announcement that you'd (finally! - as a joke) decided to go ahead and make it official. You're married following elopement. You're going to have a vow renewal and celebration in a couple of years for all who would love to come celebrate. Then everyone knows what it is and can decide to come or not.

I think it’s fine to have a “wedding celebration” a bit after your marriage but totally weird to literally pretend to get married with fake vows etc. and it will be obvious to anyone who’s been married fairly recently that it’s fake.

Why can’t you just be honest and say “we’re doing the legal ceremony in 2026 and our big celebration party in 2028” I really can’t understand?

Get married now

Have a different party in 2028 eg big party for your 30th, 40th, or 10th anniversary of meeting etc

I know a few who have done this, usually when they get married abroad.