AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

Your children will actively want to talk about the wedding to friends and family.

Are you going to tell them to shut it on pain of death @Wededed ?!

Yeah I think this is what nails it for me - "You can't be a bride when you've already been a wife for two years"

Are you going to have speeches about how amazing it is that you're starting your lives together as a married couple etc? And a first dance? And coming into the room to be "introduced as Mr and Mrs" whatever?
What are you going to tell people about the legal bit? You'll have to let at least a few people in on the lie, you'll need to have fake witnesses for your fake legal ceremony.

I don't really have an issue with the time gap. I've been to a year long delayed wedding party (covid). But we all knew they'd been married in an intimate legal ceremony a year before. They had a wedding party, everyone knew it was a celebration of their marriage and they'd wanted to celebrate with everyone. They had a religious blessing which was nice. Otherwise was much like a normal wedding party but without pretending they'd not been married a year.

Have the whole wedding now, my friends daughter sorted hers out at a posh venue in a month.

2 years of lying to all those who are close to you, doesn’t seem a great start to a marriage.

That's a massive over-generalisation - close friends married in Italy 3 years ago and it was entirely legal. I have the photos from the Commune to prove it.

I think in this instance, you need a different venue if you want to get married sooner. It's complicated to cover up being married for two years & you risk upsetting a lot of people you love, by lying to them. Either get married & have a wedding soon, but at a different venue, get married soon & don't have a full wedding, or invite everyone now for a wedding in two years time & protect your assets in the meantime accordingly.

Are you going to make your children lie about you not being married? Or are you going to lie to them too?

Wouldn't bother me at all in this situation. Don't see the big deal, you're doing it for sensible legal reasons but having the actual celebration and wedding when you can afford it. Why anyone would be annoyed about that is beyond me.

Why am I not allowed to be a princess! And why can’t we have a special day!

Because the venue isn't available and you can't afford it yet. Everyone else has to cut their coat according to their cloth, what makes you an exception?

You can have a special day. But if you want this particular special day, write a will and try not to die for the next two years.

You can't be a bride when you've already been a wife for two years. A few days, sure, because you're in that first flush of your new lives. But two years down the line? You'll just be playing acting. Which is just weird.

No idea what would prompt someone to want to relinquish their own name because they've committed to a partner for life. I wouldn't let that be a reason to put you off marrying if that's what you want to do, OP.

I also have no idea either why any guest attending a wedding would be bothered as to the logistics of whether they'd attended a legal ceremony or not. If it's not your own wedding, there should be no preconceived expecation as to how it should be conducted. But it's one of those things about which everybody apparently has an opinion.

This wasn't the reason we took off and married overseas, but it was certainly an added bonus. Neither of us computes the hype over weddings in any case, and we got exactly the wedding we wanted with mimimum fuss but maximum relaxation and enjoyment. If this is something you have considered, then I wouldn't discount it. IMO sponteneity is more, rather than less, fun and romantic.

In the end you should do what makes you happy. I wish you a very happy marriage.

Get married when you want but don't hold some faux "wedding" a couple years down the road and expect people to not be mad as hell if you don't tell them it's not really your wedding, it's just a party and a gift grab if you don't specify no gifts. They go to a lot of trouble getting time off work, getting something to wear and a pricey gift and spend time and money they wouldn't if it wasn't really a wedding.

I think your way, lying to people and not wearing rings is absurd and if you did that to me (the fake wedding shit), that would end any friendship. It's deceptive and rude as fuck.

Agree. Are you asking your children to lie? Because that's not fair on them whatsoever.

Don't lie. Don't ask anyone else to lie.

Just do your preferred thing with regards to when you marry and how you party, just be upfront with everyone!

In reality you know a 2 year gap is very different from a legal process the week before a wedding, that is why you are proposing lying about it. You wouldn't have to lie if you didn't know that most people would find a wedding 2 years after the paperwork odd.

You do what you want to do, your wedding, your future is exactly that, yours. Do not be pressured by others opinions. Do what makes you happy. Whatever you decide, l wish you well

To have your marriage shrouded in secrecy for 2 years, presumably telling your children to zip their mouths about it, seems bloody awful to me.

People now often have a legal process which officially marries them in the run up to and in preparation for the 'wedding' which provides the public declaration of love and celebration of the marriage. Most people are fine with tis.

The difference here is:
a) you are suggesting keeping it a secret and lying to your friends and families
and
b) there is a 2 year gap between the legal paperwork and the celebration.

The 2 year gap makes a difference. It separates the legal aspect from being 'prep' for the wedding to an established fact about how you've been living for years. It feels a bit disingenuous to celebrate something that happened 2 years ago. No one is excited about getting married for that long.

It could be done if you were honest, and described it as what is: 'Come and celebrate with us on our 2nd anniversary.' You could have the dress, vows, and a lovely party. People who love you would enjoy celebrating with you.

But to suggest living a lie forever, and getting people to celebrate with you under false pretenses, is just a really really bad idea. I could try to explain all the reasons why, but I'll summarise instead and say: its very bad for your soul and for your relationships to lie.

This

If I were your friend I'd not mind that you opted for legal protection now and a celebration in a couple of years, but I'd be pretty pissed off if I found out that you'd lied to me (not for the 2 years, but lied by having a pretend ceremony)

I'd be so annoyed. There's no reason to lie to people about it, except that they probably won't regard your party in 2028 as a wedding (because it won't be), and therefore might not go all out with dressing up and the gift, and maybe that's what you don't want to risk.

Essentially

“can I have a party in 2028 and wear a wedding dress?”

sure, go for it. Bit odd but each to their own!

I don't think its reasonable for a married couple to pretend they are not married in order to have people attend a fake wedding thinking its a real one, no. A wedding is for people to get married at. If that's not happening, it's just a party with people playing pretend.
The only reasonable way would be to tell people the truth. However this will almost certainly result in your 2028 do being less well attended that it would if it was a wedding. People will put themselves out for a wedding, but less so for a party.
I think you need to choose between waiting a year for your big wedding or having a small one this year.

I don’t really understand why you don’t get married now, and just have whatever party you can afford. 🤷‍♀️

Except you're not saying the same thing. You are saying nothing at all about your legal marriage and then you're going to pretend to have a legal marraige in 2028?

How do you plan to do that? Will you have a celebrant who 'pretends' to hold your fake legal ceremony? Will they pronounce you married? Will you sign fake paperwork to make it appear like a real wedding? Be aware that the celebrant could get into big legal trouble for that.

Or will you have a wedding 'celebration' and pretend that you had a register office legal wedding earlier that day, or earlier that week?

Why do you want to lie to all your friends and family? (well, except the 2 friends who are your actual legal witnesses, who you are also expecting to lie for you).

If I were your friend I'd not mind that you opted for legal protection now and a celebration in a couple of years, but I'd be pretty pissed off if I found out that you'd lied to me (not for the 2 years, but lied by having a pretend ceremony).