AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

I think the devil is in the detail here. If you had a civil ceremony, made it clear that you were married, but then invited all of your friends and family to have a special celebration/ vow renewal in 2028 I wouldn’t have any issue at all with that.

But if you have the civil ceremony, deliberately keep it quiet, and then go through the motions of the wedding in 2028 being your one and only wedding I would be a bit miffed. It would feel like I’d been lied to, and that it was all a bit of a performance for yourself, and not the act of witnessing two people become man and wife. And, to be honest, I’m not even a massive wedding enthusiast so if it would piss me off it would really piss some other people off.

I think that the key thing is that you have to be honest.

We had a tiny register office wedding in 2016 because my mum was dying and we wanted to get married before she went. Then the following year we had a humanist celebration with all our nearest and dearest there. We had vows and things, but it was a celebration of our wedding rather than telling people it was when we were getting married... if you see what I mean.

I think rather than keeping it quiet you should just let people know, quietly, that you are married but that you will be having your big celebration in 2028 - or whenever you decide to have it.

Suppose something goes terribly wrong with your relationship, you would end up having to explain that the non wedding was being called off because a) you were already married and b) you were getting divorced! 😯

Have a little low key wedding with your kids and closest family, and an anniversary party in two years time. With any luck you will have found something much better to spend your savings on than a belated party.

I don't think there's anything wrong with getting married now and then enjoying a big party to celebrate in a couple of years - although people may find it strange that the celebration is 2 years after the actual wedding. But I think you would be very unreasonable to pretend that the 2028 event is actually your wedding.

My two cents: One of my sons attended a wedding a few weeks ago where the couple had secretly gotten married a year earlier. My son was one of the few people that did know the secret. When the big announcement was made that they were already married, it did not go over well. Mothers cried, fathers were furious and several of the guests immediately left. They all felt duped into wasting time and money on a whim of the couple. This large, very fancy and seemingly fun wedding venue ended up being a bust for all involved.

Bizarre that anyone would care. The wedding day will be exactly the same regardless so it will make absolutely no difference to anyone.

That said, why waste all that money when you've been together so long?

That’s simply not true. Myself and my husband are UK British Citizens, got legally married in Italy and are very much legally married here.

But nothing has happened to you thus far (thankfully). Why all of a sudden now, do you think something is going to happen to either of you?

I’d get wills drawn up and then plan for and have your big wedding in 2028.

I think it’s odd to get married legally and then hold a “ceremony” and party two years later. I wouldn’t consider it a wedding.

Regarding France: you can only legally get married there if you live there (as I did when I did it). There is a 3-month residency requirement and you have to prove that you have lived there for that amount of time (via bills, payslips, rental agreements etc). All legal weddings in France take place in French at the mairie. Religious ceremonies etc have no legal value even if you live there - EVERYONE has to go to the mairie first. So if you went to a 'wedding' where someone 'got married' in the middle of a field or on a beach or in a villa or whatever then no, it was indeed not a legal wedding. It doesn't mean what you SAID, though, which is your blanket statement that "abroad weddings aren't legal" (frankly a ridiculous thing to say).

If I'm going to a wedding, I want to see the couple actually get married because that is the key bit, and the rest of it is irrelevant.
You really should have got married before the children were born as you (quite rightly) are concerned about the legal implications.
A marriage is for life, not for the photos, or gifts, or impressing your friends. Just book a simple ceremony ASAP, with a handful of guests, then go to the pub for lunch. If you absolutely must have a big fancy do, with a big dress etc, then call it an anniversary party..... otherwise people will be really cross about it. Do not lie!

Yes, you can. You can do as you like: you don't need the blessing or the validation of Mumsnet!

"Most" destination weddings involve a civil ceremony IN that country. You are incorrect.

Utter bull. "Abroad weddings aren't legal" is too general. It depends on the country. I got married in France (LEGALLY, because I lived there at the time) and my marriage is recognised in Britain. The passport office held my marriage certificate in their very own hands and then changed my surname on my British passport off the back of it.

I wouldn’t go to a destination wedding or spend a fortune on someone else’s wedding, regardless of whether they were getting legally married or not.

Most destinations weddings are not legal weddings anyway and the couple usually need to be officially married in the UK.

I think it’s a great and sensible idea.

In fact I think you should have done it already.

So often I hear the excuse that people can’t afford to get married but when you have DCs and own property then it’s important to have security.

Son has just returned from a destination wedding (stag was also overseas) that was 3 days of celebrations with a dress code for each evening and DJ for the wedding. He spent a fortune. Whilst there he found out that the couple had actually gotten married in January and had a celebration with their families then. He, and others, were pretty pissed off to have spent so much for what was effectively a party without being told. 2 years and a load of subterfuge will seriously piss off a lot of people!

@Wededed i do not understand all the kefuffle with pp saying it’s so deceitful/they’d be efft off/don’t want to attend a ‘fake’ wedding etc etc.
Op and her dp have been living together in the same house for years and have two dc. Like being married really. What is the difference for anyone attending the wedding? Or should you only attend weddings if the couple haven’t lived together or had children?
Weeeeird!

People don’t like being lied to.
The reason you want to lie is because you think people will make different decisions about whether or not to come and how much money to spend on gifts (I’m not buying your faux innocence on that one).

You have three honest options
have a proper wedding sooner
have a proper wedding in 2028
get married now and have the party you want in 2028. You can call it a vow renewal or a commitment celebration or just a wedding party.

Just don’t lie to people, it’s crap behaviour. You keep banging on about foreign weddings like it’s relevant but people know the score with that.

Oh, and just get married and announce it. Don't engage with your negative relatives, go no contact if you have to, and just get married. At this point, wasting money on a big wedding 2 years after the fact is just silly. Maybe an anniversary bash at a milestone in 5 or 10 years...

I wouldn't personally give a shit, and in fact would rather people close to me did get married first, if they felt they needed the legal and financial implications of marriage. But clearly it bothers some people.

Couldn't find anything to say you need to live in Scotland in order to convert your CP there. Would you consider having the wedding there do you think?

https://www.mygov.scot/civil-partnership-marriage

That is absolutely 100% not true.

Where on earth did you get that ridiculous notion?

It would (I think) have to be a big "blessing" of your wedding vows (or vow renewal) at the second big venue occasion. It couldn't be an ACTUAL wedding as such because the celebrant (whether a vicar or local registrar) would have to say in a legal statement that "there were no reasons why these two people cannot be lawfully joined together", which I think also means "they are not already married (even to each other)"

That was why there was a bit of a hoo-haa after Harry and Meghan's Oprah interview in which they said that they were "actually secretly married three days before their official wedding". The church and Archbishop of Canterbury were sh~tt~ng themselves because, if that had been true, the bishop would have committed perjury (along with the witnesses to the wedding) when he married them for a second time - a serious criminal offence.

I would have the secret low-key wedding and a big blessing when you want to in the future. But it can't be another legal wedding. And I wouldn't lie about it. It would inevitably slip out somewhere and for some, especially perhaps the older generations, the deceit might be too much.

Best wishes whatever you decide, x

Something to think about when will you celebrate 10/20/25/40/50 wedding anniversaries? On the legal date or the party date.

Why am I not allowed to be a princess! And why can’t we have a special day!

You can! Just don't live a lie for 2 years beforehand.