AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

You could have a registry office ceremony now and a blessing with a big party in 2028. I’d be furious if the big wedding turned out to be a pretence.

If you do this it really highlights the complete and utter waste of money that weddings are. It will literally just be a party that you and the guests are spending huge amounts of money on.

I got married at the registry office last year in a £45 eBay dress and a homemade bouquet. I had a very small party at home. It was wonderful and everyone really enjoyed it. It was better than just a party because we were celebrating getting married. I wouldn't have a big party now because it would be just a party.

You say you need time to save up. Imagine how you could use that money.

'Why are not all big weddings shallow and self absorbed then?'

They aren't. It's the lying to everyone that is the problem.

Absolutely this!

So are you going to tell nobody for years?

Then in 2028, have a completely fake ceremony? Have no ceremony at all and tell people you’ve been married for years?

I think this is so bizarre. No I wouldn’t do it, I would be bemused to be invited to a wedding where there was a fake ceremony or to find out they’d got married years ago.

Just get married now, spend the 'big wedding' money on your family.

I think people are getting a bit sick of big weddings, and the expense involved, who wants to shell out for all that for a couple who've been together nearly 10 years (by then) and already have two or three kids?

But you're not having a big wedding, you're having a big party that is deceiving everyone by pretending to be a wedding (that actually took place a couple of years earlier).

A legal wedding ceremony consists of the 2 parties making specific declarations to each other. Having made those declarations, the celebrant / officiant / priest makes a legal pronouncement to say that the 2 people are NOW married. And the parties and their witnesses sign some legal paperwork.

Are you going to pretend to do all that? (You may find it hard to find a celebrant who is willing to enter into that level of deceipt), or are you going to cross your fingers and hope that no one notices that you don't complete any of the legal components of a wedding? You might be surprised by the fact that some people will notice, and once they start wondering and chatting to other guests about it, your cat may well be out if it's bag. Honestly I can't imagine that would be worth the stress - on your 'special day'.

The rings, the rest of the vows, the kiss etc are all customary options, not required in law. Your family and friends may love to witness and participate in all of that when you do it for the first time in 2028. But for goodness sake be honest.

I must have missed the people saying having a celebration later but telling people is a sham and a disgrace. I don’t think anyone has said that.

I've never been to a wedding that wasn't the actual wedding. DD did go to one where they had already got married and TBH, everyone thought it was weird.

Don't lie. Do the register office thing with a party soon after, or do the big wedding next year (or in 2028). Personally, I did the register office and then had a party at a castle on the same day. I still wore a big dress etc. No reason why you can't wear a proper wedding dress at a register office.

I know someone where this happened! They married and had a fake wedding planned two years later, they were still paying off the fake wedding when they were divorced.

How shallow and self absorbed.

I assume you’re planning to continue to lie to these people forever and never intend to tell them the truth?

Or are you planning to tell them it’s all a big surprise and that you’ve actually been married for two years.

I know someone who did this. Similarly they’d got married and then had a big wedding build-up. Bridesmaids, best man, maid of honour, hen and stag do’s and a wedding list and requests for money towards the (fake) honeymoon i.e. the family holiday.

Then as part of the speeches the groom announced that they were so happy that everyone could be there, and revealed that they’d actually been married for 18 months.

A lot of people just got up and walked out and haven’t spoken to them since.

They lost a lot of friendships that day and the respect of an awful lot of people who are now left wondering what else they lie about with such ease.

It’s one thing to have a party later although quite why people want to spend that kind of money when they openly admit they need to save for it is beyond me. But if you do then at least have the grace to admit that your reasons are all purely superficial and materialistic so that people will bring you presents or money, otherwise you wouldn’t feel compelled to lie to them.

Exactly. The OP has taken absolutely nothing from this thread, despite the majority of people saying her plan is reasonable but just don’t lie about it. And then her saying people are extreme in their responses. This is one of those pointless AIBUs where actually all she wants is validation for manipulating her guests.

I agree with marrying now, and a small wedding. Just don't keep it a secret, and say you wanted a celebration when the children are older, say after a given period of years.

As you seem to be pretty insistent on sticking to your secret wedding idea, do you want to think through how that would work on the day of the public one? You would do some sort of ceremony, presumably. You can't do a legally valid one if you're already married. Some of your guests will likely know how to tell the difference (eg no signing of register). What are you going to tell them?

Why does it have to be secret? Get married now and have your wedding in 2028 but just be honest about it. You won’t be able to hide it anyway, it will be obvious it’s not a “real” wedding as there are certain words and processes you have to follow and you won’t be able to do it twice. People don’t take kindly to being lied to.

We're millennials & got married when the kids were tiny & we had very little money, some very tricky relatives, & were still renting. Better to have everyone together, wear a gorgeous wedding dress & have a smaller wedding than to get hung up on a particular place in a couple of years time, when it honestly sounds very difficult to keep this lie under wraps & may cause upset, when you are trying to avoid arguments with family anyway?

If you've got that from the responses on the thread, then you're clearly just determined to carry on with your original plan.

Most posters have been very clear in saying that they would happily attend a party at a later date to help you celebrate, the part which would bother them would be the secrecy and lying.

DD and her DH did the legal bit 2 weeks before what they view as their wedding ( and all the guests saw it that way as well). The registrar obviously did the formal bit and 2 weeks later they had a celebrant and no registrar. DD got walked down the aisle, they exchanged vows ( the only things they said on the formal day was what they legally had to say and no rings were exchanged), and everything else that happens at a "traditional" wedding but they could say exactly what they wanted with no restrictions.

Most weddings are not weddings these days.

I very much doubt that.
To balance your own personal experience, I've been to quite a lot of weddings recently (2 more to come this Summer) and I've never been to a wedding that wasn't the actual wedding.

At least be honest and tell that what you have done. That way you can walk around in your princess frock and know that the people who have had to go to the expense and inconvenience of attending at least know what’s happening

Why bother with any celebration in 2 years time?! Just have a civil partnership ceremony this year and invite people to that.
Job done!