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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to marry secretly now and hold a wedding in 2028?

614 replies

Wededed · 09/06/2026 13:03

We are just about to book a wedding venue. We were going to do next summer but are tempted to do 2028 as it gives us more time to save, and more time to fit in planning/ organising.

But this is two years away!!!

We are well overdue this wedding. We have been engaged for many years. I believe 6 or 7!!

With two young kids and assets now worth worrying about legally. Would it be unreasonable to go and get married secretly in private without telling anyone at a registry office.

We can then have the 2028 wedding as planned but if either of us gets hit by a bus in the meantime then we are legally covered.

One part of me thinks this is no big deal. It’s no different to 3/4 of the weddings I have been to where people are having destination weddings or celebrants weddings at unlicensed venues.

The only difference is the extensive time frame and we won’t be able to wear our rings or change our names without others knowing until after the 2028 date.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Whinge · 09/06/2026 19:05

Wededed · 09/06/2026 19:03

I am not planning on lying outright. I am just going to say yes we have done the registry bits. Like everyone else who has a pre-register wedding. Thats it.

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Well no one is randomly going ask you about the legal bits as they're going to assume the big wedding you're planning is the real thing. So there won't be a chance to tell them.

Corvidsarethebest · 09/06/2026 19:04

To me, it's like announcing you are having a birthday dinner in June, getting everyone to come, bring presents, and then, once at the table, saying my birthday is actually in December.

I mean you could, it's not illegal, but it's off.

BIossomtoes · 09/06/2026 19:03

Wededed · 09/06/2026 19:03

I am not planning on lying outright. I am just going to say yes we have done the registry bits. Like everyone else who has a pre-register wedding. Thats it.

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So what kind of ceremony do you envision second time round?

Scrumptiousy · 09/06/2026 19:03

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Original poster
Wededed · 09/06/2026 19:03

Gloriia · 09/06/2026 18:53

It's. The. Lying!!

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I am not planning on lying outright. I am just going to say yes we have done the registry bits. Like everyone else who has a pre-register wedding. Thats it.

OP posts:
StopFeckingSnoring · 09/06/2026 19:02

Wededed · 09/06/2026 18:41

You’re friends weddings abroad saved on hassle by legally marrying in the UK (to get the actual legacy’s sorted) and then having a “church” or “event place” abroad to celebrate with family.

Yes so thats what we are thinking of doing too. Just all in UK, with a large gap.

It’s a bit weird the time lapse. But apart from that I am not seeing the difference.

The difference is the lying.

Walker1178 · 09/06/2026 19:02

I have a friend who actually did this! They got legally married in the UK, the day was for them and their DC and they didn’t tell any close friends or family. (We originally met online as part of a mums due board but went on to meet up regularly with the babies as we were local, so I guess I was a safe share!) The plan was to do it all again with everyone later down the line but they couldn’t without letting everyone know they’d already done it so the ‘official’ wedding was then held abroad.

AurielleBaies · 09/06/2026 19:00

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Oh come on - so nasty.

OP you are not going to get the responses on here that you want or are in any way rational. I suggest you talk to your fiance to make the decision between you. FWIW when we did the same, we did end up telling very close family a few months after. They were happy for us and excited about the ‘party wedding’ that we were planning. Maybe you could think about telling some of your closest so that it doesn’t feel like a big secret?

Original poster
Wededed · 09/06/2026 18:59

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Thank you for acknowledging your mistake.

As far as I know no one has had a 2 year interlude; 1 month to 1 week is more typical. But I wouldnt know for sure for all of them. Maybe some have.

Kids are young and we wouldnt take them to the registry.

OP posts:
WeatherOrNothing · 09/06/2026 18:58

StopFeckingSnoring · 09/06/2026 13:50

I would be unimpressed to go to a wedding with all the costs involved and to celebrate a couple when the whole day was a sham.

I think this is the crux of it. It’s a huge expense these days. And not one people would be happy to spend on if all it is, is a party.

I have declined a very close relatives wedding this summer for exactly the same situation. They have been married for 3 years already and now want a big fancy do when the actual reason for a wedding isn’t even meaningful anymore.
So I have declined. I’m not spending money on a big party. I am sending a gift but that’s it.

Scrumptiousy · 09/06/2026 18:56

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AnneShirleyBlythe · 09/06/2026 18:56

EBITDAisMyHappyPlace · 09/06/2026 13:46

What!!! In what world do you think that’s correct! I got married abroad and that alone, no need to register it or do anything legal in the UK and it’s perfectly legal thank you so check your facts 🤣🤣

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Same! Married abroad in 1999! I can assure you it was legal & recognised in the UK . And it was in a holiday resort before anyone says they mean those types of destination weddings aren’t legal !

Gloriia · 09/06/2026 18:53

Wededed · 09/06/2026 18:41

You’re friends weddings abroad saved on hassle by legally marrying in the UK (to get the actual legacy’s sorted) and then having a “church” or “event place” abroad to celebrate with family.

Yes so thats what we are thinking of doing too. Just all in UK, with a large gap.

It’s a bit weird the time lapse. But apart from that I am not seeing the difference.

It's. The. Lying!!

Delphiniumandlupins · 09/06/2026 18:53

Wededed · 09/06/2026 18:41

You’re friends weddings abroad saved on hassle by legally marrying in the UK (to get the actual legacy’s sorted) and then having a “church” or “event place” abroad to celebrate with family.

Yes so thats what we are thinking of doing too. Just all in UK, with a large gap.

It’s a bit weird the time lapse. But apart from that I am not seeing the difference.

The difference is that the guests at the weddings you have attended knew (or didn't care) that they were not actually witnessing a legal marriage. You are proposing that none of your guests know, because you know some of them will care. A lot. I think you can have the wedding reception/party in two years, with all the trimmings, but don't deceive your guests. If these are people you want to celebrate your marriage with, surely they are important enough to you to be honest?

Waheymum · 09/06/2026 18:53

Don't marry in secret then later have a pretend wedding: I think it's illegal to have a fake wedding, or rather for someone to pose as a celebrant. I think your wedding will only feel special the first time. FWIW, DH and I had a low-budget wedding in a registry office, then a reception near the registry office followed by a party in our local gay bar, each event with more guests than the previous one.
Personally, I could not be arsed having two weddings, it's a lot of organisation and planning!

Scrumptiousy · 09/06/2026 18:52

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AurielleBaies · 09/06/2026 18:52

I married in secret because it was absolutely necessary to do so for immigration purposes and we have complicated family dynamics that made planning a wedding at the time near on impossible. So we did it in secret to save upsetting anyone.

We didn’t wear rings and then had another ceremony a few years on so we could get some photos and say vows (our legal wedding was extremely basic). I know lots of people that have done the same and absolutely no one cared they’d legally married beforehand - whether it was weeks, months or years. I think the biggest gap between legal wedding and party wedding I knew of was 5 years!

As a guest, I couldn’t care less. The wedding day is a big party to celebrate - regardless if they are legally married are not.

Do what you need to do.

Scrumptiousy · 09/06/2026 18:50

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Whinge · 09/06/2026 18:50

Wededed · 09/06/2026 18:41

You’re friends weddings abroad saved on hassle by legally marrying in the UK (to get the actual legacy’s sorted) and then having a “church” or “event place” abroad to celebrate with family.

Yes so thats what we are thinking of doing too. Just all in UK, with a large gap.

It’s a bit weird the time lapse. But apart from that I am not seeing the difference.

The difference is they're usually pretty open about the fact they've done the legal bit beforehand. Where as you're planning on keeping it secret for 2 years.

Scrumptiousy · 09/06/2026 18:50

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Original poster
Wededed · 09/06/2026 18:49

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I dont think i said how many weddings but yes I have only been to two actual legal weddings of many. One in childhood, one recently!

And I wouldnt call them a sham wedding! I would consider all the same - just celebrating that couple.

It never came up in the wedding. Some were obvious - ie. Garden weddings, abroad weddings, some I knew them well enough be invited or to know their specific registry plans and send them well wishes on that day. Some I knew because the extended relative was bitching about it to all and sundry - and these were only a week or a month in advance. Imagine that relative about 2 years! Having kittens clearly.

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Scrumptiousy · 09/06/2026 18:49

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Moveoverdarlin · 09/06/2026 18:48

Wededed · 09/06/2026 13:29

Do registry office and a small dinner afterwards.

We don’t want to do that.

My parents are a nightmare. A small registry with them as a major percentage of the attendees is a miserable affair.

We also considered eloping and announcing. Partly because of the nightmare family element. I don’t want to do that either because I felt for a long time elopement was our only option. That felt forced and that took the fun and romance out of it. They would simultaneously also see that as an affront to batter us with whilst taking pleasure that we didn’t get our day. They are not nice people which is partly why I am so keen to celebrate our little family and all those who do care about us.

Took the fun and romance out of it?? You’ve been engaged for 7 years with two kids, a house and businesses. That ship has sailed.

HumberSquid · 09/06/2026 18:47

Wededed · 09/06/2026 18:41

You’re friends weddings abroad saved on hassle by legally marrying in the UK (to get the actual legacy’s sorted) and then having a “church” or “event place” abroad to celebrate with family.

Yes so thats what we are thinking of doing too. Just all in UK, with a large gap.

It’s a bit weird the time lapse. But apart from that I am not seeing the difference.

The difference is the difference in attitude your family and friends have to the importance of celebrating a new marriage to celebrating an established one. And you know there is a difference or you wouldnt be planning to deceive them.

Shinyandnew1 · 09/06/2026 18:42

So, you’ll have been married for years but still want people you’ve spent years lying to, to spent loads of money to not watch you get married and bring you a big present. Nice.