To expect Sunday as the agreement -update

Actually I'm surprised at how I feel about this because my parents used to make us all come to the table for dinner so we could performatively be a family eating together and fulfil their fantasy that we got on, were functional and liked it. It meant massive rows every day with them losing their minds every time something didn't go exactly as they had imagined it, plus the food was awful. So I'm surprised to find myself Team OP.

But the difference here I think is that this was our home where we were born so we really didn't have any choice about being there and had an inherent right to be there without fulfilling our parents' pretences. I absolutely hated it, the daily scream fest. But if my aunt had said I could live in my own self contained place rent and bill free at uni, at significant cost to her, and literally all she asked was that I spent a little quality time with her once a week... that feels very different. I would be choosing to live there in a way I wasn't choosing to live with my parents, and if she isn't good enough or family enough for me to see her for an hour a week then she shouldn't be good enough or family enough for me to absolutely freeload off her. Also it's weekly, not daily, and it sounds like the food is good and everyone gets on well enough even if they're a bit bored; no dramas or disasters. I spent way more hours than that bored at work to pay my rent at uni. And the nephew could still choose to do that instead if an hour a week bored with his aunt is so much worse.

So yeah. I surprise myself, and I'm in a minority, but... team OP.

Edited for typos and clarifications.

I'm in a minority, clearly, but even though it is a bit weird on the surface, it makes sense to me and I don't think you're being unreasonable. He doesn't have to attend at all, he could pay for the accommodation. It's a gesture to show he is willing to give a little time in exchange for the costs you're covering and the money you could otherwise be earning... and the time is an hour a week and dinner made for you, with a bit of clearing up! However mad it might seem to people, that's a very sweet deal! He may not want to go but if that's the case, he has another option! And it would cost him way more time and effort than an hour a week eating dinner someone else made!

It's more a gesture that stops you feeling totally taken advantage of and shows a little appreciation, and you couldn't make it more pleasant. Sunday dinner made for you! We all have to attend boring family occasions sometimes but we don't usually get free accommodation and bills in exchange! Can't see how that somehow makes it less acceptable, especially when it isn't forced at all; if he doesn't want to spend any time as a family then he's free to be a properly paying guest with the non-family business arrangement. This isn't the home he was born in where he has a right to expect to live there and it costs you in lost business as well as living expenses; it's not fair to expect to take it with not even a gesture in exchange.

I'm also pretty sure that if he occasionally had some big event on that he really wanted to go to, you would be ok with that!

Well on that I do agree. He should have never agreed to such a weird loaded condition.

If it's purely the offered conditions themselves that make the family "nutso" then he would have dodged that bullet far better by not agreeing to them in the first place.

Nothing has changed since he agreed to them as far as we know, only that he's changed his mind about sticking to what he agreed. Not sure why nephew changing his mind makes anyone "nutso".

Well in which case he can move out and pay rent elsewhere like most students. Nobody is stopping him. He can have an opinion on the offered living arrangements and he is well within his rights to decline them. Nobody is holding a gun to his head.

Or he'll realise he dodged a budget from living with an absolutely nutso family.

Oh how he will look back and kick himself in the future!

Completely fair - your nephew is about to learn the hard way in life their are consequences to actions or lack of action.

He had a very sweet deal and he actively chose to ignore the terms of the deal so guess what… lovely deal revoked…. Tough luck sunshine- he will learn a tough life lesson.

Well done OP, stand firm. Your nephew is about to realise what a generous offer he had originally. Teaching the younger generation that nothing in life is completely free is a good thing, as is expecting him to respect his aunt for offering rent free accommodation for so little in return.

I think that’s fair. He either eats with you on Sundays or he doesn’t see you and treats it like a business transaction. He cannot have it both ways! You have been very kind offering free accommodation based on one rule, which was broken repeatedly.

🙈🤣 oh sorry! 🤣

That was sarcasm, maybe it didn’t come across like it did in my head!

The nephew is a waster and he’ll have a shock when he gets a job if this is how his mind works. No employer is going to give a shit about giving him chances because ‘famileeeeee’.

But the op doesn’t have a problem with him getting accommodation elsewhere - surely that just leaves a space to give someone else a chance to reap the benefits by following the LL’s rules? Everybody has choices. I don’t see any vindictiveness- I think the op has been quite clear on her expectations. As a parent I would be more annoyed with my ds if it meant I had to fork out for accommodation when for the sake of 1 meal a week he would have got it for free!

I think this by @PrueRamsay is what you should do ”I would ask for the money up front before he moves in.”

Otherwise if he doesn’t pay what are you going to do? He has already shown that he’s capable of making promises when he has no intention of following through. He had an entire year to show you what kind of person he is.

Bloody hell I agree!!!

If I was the nephew I’d show her what’s what by getting accommodation elsewhere!!!

I think you gave him a fair chance to have free accommodation. He doesn’t want to stick to the rules so he and/or his parents will have to pay. Maybe once they pay they will realise what an absolute bargain they were getting - they don’t have to agree with what you are doing but then they don’t get the benefits, it’s really very simple. My ds3 is hopefully going to uni in 2 years and would bite your hand off at this offer!

It sounds like a good compromise to me. He gets to stay, he just doesn't get it for free. A few dinners isn't enough, he'll just go back to missing them again. Perhaps if he sticks with a reasonable number of dinners for a term, go back to the old agreement then.

Sounds like the right decision...especially as a simple meal was too much. It needs to be a landlord relationship now

Thankyou so much for coming back to update . Just to say you’re doing absolutely the right thing. It may not be for everyone and that’s okay ( though I think it’s a lovely tradition) , but your house your rules . If they are unhappy now , I would just leave it as it is - tough rule for him to learn by losing free accommodation but his choice !

I think that’s reasonable. What’s the plan though? Carry on making him pay? If you revert to the “meals” agreement he will just avoid them again and you will be back at square one.

I would ask for the money up front before he moves in.

So vindictive

Sample size of 4 (me 49) ds (26 been to uni) dd 22 and ds (16 wants to go to uni) we all agreed that we would have loved the chance of a free group meal once a week in lieu of rent! Especially with the proviso that in case of a special reason we could be excused. We would go further and offer to do odd jobs when time allowed too.

Likewise my dd stayed with my sister in Australia for a month in total when travelling and helped with housework/cooked meals in return for free board and food as my sister isn’t loaded and it enabled my dd to stay in Australia for longer by saving money on accommodation.

The op and op’s reasons for offering this don’t matter - they are in a position to offer it and dn was in a position to say no, but didn’t.

He hasn't got a Sunday job - prob doesn't need one what with not having any rent to pay. So it's a moot point, really.

I read all the OPs posts on this thread and couldnt see about the Sunday working. I get that she has addressed the other bits but I find it very odd. That said, regardless, its a generous offer and whatever quirky conditions are her choice so shes not actually unreasonable.