to ask how to deal with family criticism over sending our child to a private school?

the same parents and brother that have called the Op and DH “cruel”

Exactly

The husband has supposedly given them an ultimatum but turned out to be a bluff but they carry on seeing them despite them even calling the op “cruel”!

It’s his parents and brother! Of course it’s hard to follow through!

to me it sounds like it matters so much to them, that it is a deal breaker. Some people do have such strong principles about things that they cannot put them to one side and be supportive of other choices. I believe Jeremy Corbyn split up with his wife because she wanted to send their children private school. I think all you can do once more is state your decision calmly and firmly. But then accept that you may well lose them. It’s very sad but as I’ve grown older I have accepted that we cannot always stay close to family members.

Its not "one issue" its contiunual rudeness

The OP doesn’t answer to her in-laws!

don't ask. Tell.

"I will not discuss this any further. If you raise it again, we will leave/we will tell you to leave" (delete as appropriate)

Isn’t that the same thing? As the (many) people who say things like you can never achieve your potential at state school?

For telling her that her boundaries are weak, just becuse she wants to keep her family together despite differing values

They don't sound very bright. Are they quite the ticket?

I would just respond "Thanks. We'll bear that in mind". And then move the conversation on. Every time.

But that isn’t what you’ve reversed said.

If you want to give a relevant analogy it would be this

“children that go through the state school system don’t know how to behave outside of their own social group and they are damaged for life by a state education”

Stunted by a lack of understanding of their peers from other socioeconomic backgrounds.

This is what I observe in my career. It is an opinion. You are entitled not to share it.

No I’d avoid talking about the fact that it’s private.
It’s possible to talk about their subjects, clubs, trips etc without talking about it being state or private. With my friends and family we have lots of conversations about school stuff without delving into what sector the schools are.

For relationships with people, friends or family, to be healthy and loving, both parties have to be respectful and want the relationships to thrive equally.

One half thinking they get to lecture the other half, question and judge their choices, and to persist doing so, means the relationship is imbalanced and toxic.

Your relationship was good with them only while you followed their rules.

Now you have chosen to move outside their designated lines, they feel entitled to display rude as fxxk, low class behaviour.

Your childrens education is none of their business and should not be up for discussion.
Any adult with an ounce of self esteem and respect would have ruthlessly cut them off.

They have taken your silence as confirmation that they can behave as they see fit and criticise you to your face.

You are wasting money on a private education if you cannot see that this will be spectacularly damaging for your children to witness as they grow up.

Self esteem starts from home.
They should not be around this.

How is this different from someone holding the belief that, if you can afford it, it’s important to go through private education as it offers a better standard of education, and your child will do much better if educated in a less disruptive environment?

There are many people who think it’s the wrong thing to let your child endure state education if you can afford not to.

I'm vehemently opposed to private schooling too, but I wouldn't bang on about it to the in-laws who sent their kids to one.

It's immigration that causes the fall-outs at our family gatherings!

Mine went private and no-one in the family said anything…because it was none of their business. I honestly don’t know what they thought about it. Our money, our children, our decision.

And what did you mean by privately educated children are “damaged for life” pray tell?

you said that children who are privately educated are damaged for life!

I responded with an example (unhappy parents staying together regardless) of what really damages a child. And you’ve taken offence. Ok so that applies to your family, but I didn’t know. How the heck would I have known that??

Yes, in direct response to someone who asked me about other services you pay for.

I still think the OP’s choice is her own and to be respected and she’s also right to keep trying to keep her family together.

1. I’m sure you knew what I meant, but I was referring to social isolation by strata. Not having broad understanding of lives outside their own socioeconomic background. I didn’t mean feeling lonely.

2. I don’t believe you because the comment was a non sequitur in this thread and by total coincidence (not) I know my first post under this username was regarding marriage difficulties

This is your daft view on the OP’s decision

e. I believe it does a massive disservice to the children who go through it. They statistically obtain better grades but with it they absorb total isolation from the society they actually live in. It damages them for life. They know a lot but understand very little.

How so? For agreeing with the op that her in laws are being entirely unreasonable

meanwhile you think the op is going to cause her child to be damaged and socially isolated!!

“The day we come asking you for money towards our children’s education is the day you can have an opinion on it.”