to ask how to deal with family criticism over sending our child to a private school?

Hi OP

I think I'd put it back on them. I'd message them and say that they've made their views clear and whilst you understand where they're coming from and you recognise they're entitled to these views, you have made a choice that you think is best for your child. You've made it clear that you don't want to discuss it any more, because your views are never going to align, but they're repeatedly ignoring this request to the point of discussing it infront of your child which you don't think is appropriate. I'd ask them given you're not going to change your mind, what do they think is the way forward? Tell them what you've said here that you've asked nicely and the only other solution you can think of is to leave when they bring it up again but you don't want to do this as won't be good for cousin relations.

Yep and they actively block poorer kids from getting a place at a great school because they do this. There are only so many places at excellent schools in this country and if a rich person is willing to play for their kids to go private then this frees up the space for another child that couldn't afford to do this.

I went to crap schools and I would have loved to go to the better school in my town but I didn't live in the right catchment. If more wealthy parents had paid to go private then I might have been able to get an out of catchment space. I think the governments mad not to encourage as many people as possible to go private.

They are jealous and curious. There's a lot of misunderstanding about private schools. They will be asking you a lot of 'strange' questions in the future. Then you will realise that they have no understanding of the private school system. Simply reading this thread proves that people have ignorant prejudices.

Not necessarily. The 'they're just jealous' response is the classic childhood way of explaining away something without any of it being to do with you. They simply think that the existence of private schools is unethical, and have no curiosity about their internal workings, or 'prejudices' whatsoever. There's nothing at all 'prejudicial', for instance, in thinking that private schools widen inequality, and that certainly does not need to come from a position of ignorance.

They are jealous and curious. There's a lot of misunderstanding about private schools. They will be asking you a lot of 'strange' questions in the future. Then you will realise that they have no understanding of the private school system. Simply reading this thread proves that people have ignorant prejudices.

I was a grammar school girl. There were a lot of ignorant prejudices about grammar schools. They were abolished in this area. We couldn't afford private school but if we could have, we would have sent offspring there. They would have flourished.

For those who say you meet a wide range of people at comprehensive. No you don't. The comp had people from our area and a couple of other primaries. The kids were sorted into A band and B band and they never mixed. A band should have been stretched more but it was just box ticking really.

All the people I know who were privately educated have better social skills and mix with a wide range of people. A lot of state school students have very poor social skills.

There is a large, very successful private school in our area. I have heard a lot of venom about it. The venom is all from people who have never even visited the school,- which tries to have good community relationships- including summer schools etc. We have used its facilities.

There's a very large proportion of people who openly admit that they'd love to send their kids to private school but can't afford it.

Hopefully, the novelty of your kids going privately will wear off and so will the criticism.

I have had this with a few people. A couple of people in my social circle are vehemently opposed to private schools (which I partially understand).

I just say I understand your position but I don’t want to discuss it with you at the moment.

You are seeing this through one lense. Private schools are a god send for kids with SEN because our state system refuses to adequately provide for SEN kids. OP, tell them you are making the right decision for your DC and it’s really not their business.

Next time they invite you to something your DH needs to say ‘we’d love to come, but can we agree that discussing our child’s school is off the table? I know we disagree on it, but neither of us are going to change our minds, and it’s just causing arguments which make the atmosphere really unpleasant. If you do bring up the private the school topic then we will leave.’ And then follow through on it. If they say ‘well we can’t help it it comes up in conversation’ then say you won’t go then. I expect it will all settle down a bit when your child starts, though watch out for any little digs or comments and pull your in laws up on them.

@RunBeforeBreakfast if your DC went to the local state secondary would it the same school that their cousins would /are attending?

Not that it really matters, but to be clear these are views that I have developed in adulthood, not childhood, by virtue of my experiences in my career.

You've looked down on your friends because they wanted the best for their kids?

@shockedwifeanim absolutely 100%.

I think you've handled it perfectly. Personally, if they kept bringing it up after being asked to stop, I'd be tempted to start responding as though the real issue is something else entirely.

"It's kind of you to worry, but we've decided not to feel guilty about being able to afford something that will benefit our child."
"Don't worry, we're not expecting anyone else to pay the fees."
“Yes, it’s a huge privilege. That’s exactly why we’re using it.”
“I appreciate your concern, but we’ve decided not to limit our child to avoid making other adults uncomfortable.”

Of course it’s not different! If everyone in the country only relied on primary school swimming lessons, there wouldn't be a single lifeguard in the UK.

Parents up and down the country put their toddlers in private swimming lessons, mini football, ballet and dance and all the rest. No one is having a fit of the vapours about that and a supportive family has far more impact in life chances than school choice.

Sweeping, sneery judgement about private schools is a cheap, faux moral sound bite, instead of calling out actual injustice such as state schools with a tiny catchment of £2m houses that have a rugby tour to South Africa and cricket tour to Barbados a couple of miles from failing state secondaries.

I suspect the vast majority of the holy crew lamenting the existence of private schools ensure their children attend the former.

I wouldn't even have told them- what business is it of theirs?

It's very hard when someone you feel should understand you, is so utterly belligerent about something that affects them in no real way. If they won't stop I would fight fire with fire.

I got the "don't your children need to know about other children who have less then them" from an IL who would love to do it, but just likes to try and bring us down cos they can't. They even wanted us to pay for it at one point. Just a joke apparently. Anyway, my response was "No. DC's job in life is to have the best life they can and that includes me making sure they have all the opportunities they can."

Fuck that shit.

Doesn’t it just. Same poster that said privately educated kids are damaged for life and socially isolated.

Honestly, what nonsense

As many leftwing politicians have discovered. Diane Abbott for example. Whose son since defended his mum saying it was his decision.

Tell them to fuck off, it's none of their business. I don't really agree with private schools but state secondary education is pretty awful at the moment so I can completely understand it. If I had my time again, and know what I know now, and had there been the right independent school at an affordable level for DD2 we'd have gone for it. DD1 went to a (state) super selective grammar that really suited her.

Since they won't stop despite you asking and telling them to then you need to tell them you refuse to be bullied into changing your mind and if they can't control themselves then you can't be around them any more.

It's fashionable to criticise people sending children to private schools at the moment in spiral down UK. Ignore it and do your own thing.

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