to ask how to deal with family criticism over sending our child to a private school?

second this! Your choice OP as long as you can afford it (and it’s not at their expense) none of their business!
you are doing the right thing for your child and that is paramount

I agree with them and if I was in government I would close every private school down. BUT that is my opinion and has no bearing as to what school any one else sends their children to. These schools exist and whether you choose to send your children there is your choice. Your family need to let it go and as radical as it is you may have to threaten to cease contact to stop them, it may wake them up . As a grand parent, and there are lots of things that the family do I don't agree with as I am sure my family feel about the way I brought my kids up and the decisions we made in relation to them. But the world would be a terrible place if we were all the same. I hope you get through to them soon

Just be prepared for the risk of them ending up possible arrogant assholes not wanting much to do with you as adults, it's a thing. On the plus side of one is a daughter will probably marry comfortably.

We had the same issues but not to this extend. We heard they’d be spoiled and entitled but I said it’s up to us how we bring them up and make sure they stay humble and hard working. We both come from poor families. I know many privately educated children that are lovely.
people have this crazy idea that children in private schools are completely detached from reality where in our school it’s mainly families where parents have done well in life, got good education etc and don’t come from rich background. So maybe enlighten your in laws that it’s not always the case they’d hang out with spoilt kids. Plenty of them in state schools too 🙄
At least we don’t hear any comments anymore because the family sees they’re still normal and lovely children. Ask them why wouldn’t they won’t the best education for their grandchild. How does it affect them? You’re not asking them to pay the tuition fees. good luck! I’m sorry they’re so stubborn

I would say “due to DC being so excited about school in September and us wanting to keep up this excitement, we only allow positive conversations regarding the wonderful school DC is going to - so positivity or no conversation please” and when they inevitably carry on bashing the school situation say “no conversation it is then” and grab your stuff and leave. Fuck twats like that who can’t be respectful of others life choices.

I remember my own mum having similar negative attitude when her niece went to a private secondary school and a lot of eye rolling. Roll on a few years later and she indeed sent my younger brother to private secondary school also 🤣 I think a lot of it stems from jealously that you have the choice to pick from a selection of school and do what is best for your child when a lot have to just take what's given. It's brilliant that you are sending them to a school that they will hopefully have a great experience with, ignore the family members, let them eye roll and make comments. If anything lime mine they'll see the difference and end up sending their kids too 😆

Your kids, your rules. Perhaps point out that your children will be shut off from opportunities in the future as more and more graduate schemes, apprenticeships, are closed to the privately educated and more and more widening participation programmes are extended?
they'd probably like to hear that.

Yeah my SIL and her husband have had lots to say about my kids being at private school. I think it may be because they actually would love to be able to do the same for their kids but can’t. I bit my tongue for a while (2 years!) but now I see that as being an issue I can’t help her with, and don’t need to justify myself to them. The last time she started opining I just shut it down with “thank goodness we all get to choose what WE think it right for our OWN kids. I wouldn’t dream of criticising your choices, please extend that courtesy to us. Our kids are happy and that’s enough for us”. Repeat. My eldest DS is actually very vocal about how much he loves his school and has taken her to task when she has brought it up. He went to a shit state school for 4 years and has lots to say on the issue! I’m not stepping in to stop him! Out of the mouths of babes….

"I don't think we will ever agree on this, so there doesnt seem much point in going over it again, and we will just have to leave it at seeing things differently".

Can you just say. Give me. Break guys - it’s up to me. You don’t have to agree but you can choose not to be mean. Just be straight like that.

I didn't tell you where to send your kids to school so kindly stop criticising my choice for my DD.

How dare they judge your ethics, I really would tell them to fuck off and if you are too polite give them a wide berth.

I think you can:

• Be clear you have a contingency plan for the fees if you were to be made redundant/ become seriously ill so there's no way they will ever be asked to contribute.
• Talk about arrangements for your eldest to stay in touch with local friends from primary school.
• Be clear this is for your daughter - if the longer school day doesn't suit her / they're doing too much spoon feeding rather than encouraging independent work etc you'd find a different school. (The other thing that is true of some independent schools is that there is too much pressure for high academic achievement leading to some girls developing eating disorders - but you'd be keeping an eye on your daughter to look for signs of worsening mental health / too much worry about school work / odd eating habits).
• Keep teaching your daughter life skills (my own prejudices from arriving at university - people from independent schools couldn't change light bulbs)

Then wait - once your daughter starts and starts talking about school a lot of the prejudices will fall away to be replaced by more accurate assessments of this particular school.

When your daughter is a bit older you can encourage her to look at voluntary work and/or a Saturday job.

Is there anything they do that you believe is unethical?

Not family but friends.

We've patched things up, but it was very clear they disapproved. However, what really bothered me about it was that it appeared to be a class thing with DH - they had a set of rich friends through their religious community whose children were privately educated and I'm 100% certain they would never have raised this with them. It was 'normal' for them. They felt DH was getting 'uppity' is the view I got.

Just say - "every seed needs the right flower pot to grow well and we believe this is the right one for our little seed.- I'm sure you will or have in the past made decisions in what you thought were in the best interests of your children /family -please respect ours." And add "I'd rather not speak about this again."
My DS started at independent school after state primary last year and is doing well with brilliant opportunities. It is such a divisive subject though- I find it so strange.

Ask them if they value your relationship so poorly that they are willing to throw it away over a difference of opinion. Explain you know their view and they don't need to repeat it over and over - they are becoming boring to spend time with as they have no other conversation.

I always said if my Dd struggled at state school then I would send her to private. My mother was dead against it, probably because she thought it would be
'snobbish' 🙄😅, she ended up doing well at state school so it didn't happen, however if I chose private schooling then my mum's opinion wouldn't have changed my mind.

Tell them very straight - the way you decide to educate your children is our business and it isn't up for discussion- end of!

I don’t really believe in private schooling. However, I would expect, on a scale of 1-10, my beliefs to score about zero when it comes to where you send your children to school. Tell them to mind their own bloody business.

@HarshbutTrue2 time for a new hairdresser lol

I take it that you are against private schools. Please explain to us all, in detail please, how private schools widen inequality? Was @Bringing child being beaten up in order to make him more equal? Were the staff looking the other way because all children get beaten up by others and this is the right and proper way for schools to function? Was @Bringing wrong to do the best for her child? Should @Bringing have done the right thing and left her child to be beaten up, instead of helping him to flourish?

My hairdresser told me that our local private school should be blown off the face of this earth and not allowed to exist. Followed by lots of prejudiced statements which were totally wrong, followed by lots of questions - because they were curious, followed by complaints that their child couldn't go there and couldn't have a similar education. In fact, their child was clever and is now at Uni, the child could have applied for a scholarship. The local private school was granting lots of scholarships prior to the Labour tax raid. (Good old Labour government is depriving kids from a poor background a chance at a decent education.) The hairdresser hadn't even looked at what was on offer for their child. Most of the private school haters that I meet follow this pattern.

The big difference with private schools is that they won't have shitty kids. They don't tolerate poor behaviour. All the private school kids that I meet tend to be articulate, confident, polite, helpful and well behaved. This is not the same as being 'stuck up'. Another misapprehension.

This. HTH

They sound tedious and jealous. I sent one of my kids to private school as he was sick of getting beaten up every day while the teachers stood by idly doing nothing. It was life changing. It’s the education that the state is supposed to provide by can’t be arsed with. If you have no other use for the cash and your state option is less than ideal it’s morally wrong to let your child and their education suffer more.

Prince Philip wanted William and Harry to go to Gordonstoun, where their father was desperately unhappy.
Diana replied: I think not.

That was the end of the discussion.

A short reply to the in laws is needed in order to close the conversation.
Something like - the decision is made, the discussion is closed.