to ask how to deal with family criticism over sending our child to a private school?

I don’t know why you posted this.

You are entitled to your opinion, and I am entitled to mine. I disagree with every single point you made, but if I went through and counteracted each one with alternative points I know you wouldn’t be won round. It’s odd you think that my convictions are loosely held.

All of which is nothing to do with the OP’s original post. Despite my beliefs I have tons of friends who send their kids private, and who went private themselves. It is very possible to coexist on this issue. And the OP is trying to navigate that.

This. And I'm guessing its not the first time they have criticised your parenting. We had this all the time, about what we fed them, what activities they did, they were sure our kids were "falling behind" at school, (they weren't) that the school was in a "rough area" (it wasn't particularly)..
The only thing that shut them up in the end was the fact that the kids got good results in their exams ( but they did say that their newspaper of choice had said that exams were getting easier - to explain this)

It really doesn't matter if it's a private school or a state school. They don't know your children's needs in the way that you do, so what they think doesn't matter.

The only solution is to tell them a lot less about yourself and your children and your activities. Its their loss but really you cant confide in constant critics.
Updated to add... Just read that you have told them several times to stop going on about it... its really time for both of you to step up your push back on this.

This is on them, not you.

If you don’t want to go no contact, then I’d be very firm in ending every phone call and meeting as soon as they start on the subject. Ie - okay, we’ve said before that we won’t have this discussion, so we’re hanging up / going home now. And act on it every time.

I wonder, do you have such strong feelings about children from privileged backgrounds being able to access far more successful and desirable state schools than those in poorer areas? Do you tell their parents that they should be sending their kids to the inadequate school in the deprived area as sending them to the Outstanding naice school is helping drive inequality? Somehow I doubt you do.

People are huge hypocrites in this space OP. Just ignore them. Everyone wants what's best for their child and most people take the best option available to them. There are far worse inequality issues in state schools, yet many of those that criticise private schools are doing all they can to get their kids into the best state option.

and before anyone jumps in to inform me that girls at State school could be doctors, barristers, vets, pilots whatever - this is sidetracking and nowhere near what I was describing and why, so kindly hold back

So you’d avoid asking about how your grandchild was getting on at new school? What opportunities and activities they were doing? Etc

perhaps they are terrified that you may ask them to contribute financially, regularly, generously and seeing their retirement plans ebbing away, especially if you have more children to school

the new term isn’t until September/October, you could have hedged and obfuscated but really, why do you feel the need to justify your choice (if you do)and why should you be obliged to

one thing I can 100% guarantee, is how pleased as punch they will be when their granddaughter qualifies as a doctor, barrister, vet, pilot, whatever, you will see.

My son was at Independent School with a tough entrance exam and even tougher interview, accepted on merit.
neither set of parents bought him as much as a pen, blazer or laptop, but omy word
did they glow about his achievements, as though somehow they were involved, responsible, benefactors.
We asked would they like to come to his open day (Dulwich College) but they ‘had something on that day’
I think possibly they would have been intellectually overwhelmed.
My son had wanted to show his grandad hismscience experiment and around the school but they demurred.
Still he did it in spite of not because of, as your clever daughter will.

The reaction is also a form of reverse snobbery, but I suppose you realise this.

Smile and nod.

nothing else you can do

Either you smile, nod and completely ignore

or decide you have enough and don't visit.

They had enough warnings. It's their problem if they are dying of jealousy and need to convince themselves they didn't fail their own kids, not yours and certainly not their son's!

I think it’s OK to speak up about something you feel is morally wrong that a relative is choosing to do, but now they’ve said their piece, it’s time for them to shut up. I am also opposed to private schools, but if a relative had chosen to send their child to one, I’d avoid talking about it, as I couldn’t act supportive if the subject came up, but also understand that I’m unlikely to change their opinion so there would be no point harming the relationship. I certainly wouldn’t say anything in front of the child/ren. If I were you I would ‘grey rock’ them any time they bring it up (have a google of the grey rock method) - just sort of ‘mmm’ing and changing the subject.

Just roll your eyes and laugh at them and say 'are you about this again? Haven't we had this conversation? Are you ok? You're either forgetting that we've already discussed it and agreed not to talk about it again or you're curiously obsessed with DS schooling. Seriously are you alright?' and just keep laughing and looking at them quizzically.

Had the same OP with my family. I just ignored them. They didnt understand with the reasons we were paying for private schooling. I let their comments go over my head. My dc's thrived due to needing full time support with their education. I am sure your dd will be happy at her new school. That is all that matters.

I am not in favour of private school but its a free country so if someone close to me sent their child to private school I know they'd already understand my thoughts on it and I'd not harangue them over it. I went to a top university (from a pretty poor comprehensive school) and so many of my friends were privately educated interestingly only a few have chosen to send their children to private school and all of them who do live in London where its seems to be far more common to send your child to private schools in general.

I know someone who suddenly started banging on about how ridiculous it was to send kids private, waste of money, intelligent kids will achieve anywhere with parental support etc, she used to really get on her high horse about it. Never gave it much thought until I caught up with her sister a while later who I know a lot better and it turned out that she had always wanted to send her kids to private but they couldnt afford it without it seriously impacting on their lifestyle which she didnt want to do.

Could it be something like that? Coming from envy?

Since these are your in-laws, obviously, you don't want to fall out with them.

Your DH will have to explain again his DPs that if they keep on like this, they will destroy their relationship with him and their grandchild(ren)?

Whilst I understand that they feel strongly about this, I'm surprised they're not able to focus on their DS and their DGCs.

Short term, you might have to go back to avoiding them to make your point. If they invite you for anything, you'll have to explain that you don't want to discuss private schools so you won't be coming.

I am on the verge of saying we won’t see them anymore if they don’t stop and can’t accept our choice, but it seems extreme

but your husband has very firmly said this to them anyway and it’s made no difference

I'm sorry your ILs are like this. You'll have to support your DH as that's awful for him.

Some people really struggle when their kids displays different values. It's not ok.

It's your choice how you spend your disposable income.

I have a relative who used to constantly remark negatively upon my interior design choices. My reply eventually was “when you pay my mortgage you can have some input. Till then STFU”
I suggest you adapt that to your situation.

What's that saying? (I will be polite). Opinions are like bumholes, everyone has one.
Ignore them, rinse and repeat.

I would be philosophical about it.

If they crack on knowing the consequences, they’re twats and they’re happy to give up the relationship

Oh I agree, I wouldn't give a shit about upsetting them but I'm assuming the OP does, otherwise she wouldn't have this problem.

This is perfect. Repeat a few times. But if they really won’t stop, you may need to threaten to cut contact.

Hopefully when your child is happily settled with her new friends at her new school they’ll shut up anyway. But you need to be careful that they don’t start asking her loaded questions like whether her new school friends all live in big houses, have lots of foreign holidays etc. (private school parent here and many parents go without these things precisely so they can afford private schools.)

"Yes, I know". "Yes, you've told me". Stick to that.

I wouldn't worry about them saying it in front of the kids. Some people disagree with private education - it's a fact, no reason the kids shouldn't know it. They think one thing, you think another, you're the parent so you're doing what you think is right. That's a perfectly good message to give them.

All of my extended family have been privately educated since the turn of the last century. No criticism anywhere. I would just say that this is our choice and none of your business.