to ask how to deal with family criticism over sending our child to a private school?

this. Rinse and repeat

Literally everyone uses the school they think is best for their child. Youve done nothing wrong.

My SiL lives in a Northern town with many private prep schools and a couple
of private secondary schools for the perceived poshos as she calls them.
The standards are abysmal.
Apparently teachers at private schools do not need to be qualified, do not need
a degree, need only fortitude and to dress well. Can this be true, is this why so
many are closing as they are not fulfilling their promise?
There are private schools and private schools.
My husband, a Manchester Grammar School old boy, dyed in the wool (rampant) socialist would not have countenanced a child at ‘private school’ of the type ^
suggested.
However, recognising that we had a peculiarly smart intelligent son we felt we
should provide for his future and for him to be at school with possibly like minds
which proved to be correct.
A fortuitously timed legacy from an aunt secured his educational future.

My daughters were at state schools, they both did well, smart and sassy, completely different personalities to my son.
I would have failed my son by sending him to a state school, boys or mixed, I knew this.
Equally I would have dismally failed both daughters pushing them in a private school as they would have been disadvanted socially in Dulwich. Neither had the capability of passing Common Entrance to a prestigious Independent School. As parents we know our own children, or should and not be browbeaten by family, friends or Primary School teachers into making a wrong decision.
These are our children, we are investing in the/ir future, #proud parent#

What annoys me is the wealthy people who are anti private school are the same people who will pay for an enormous, gorgeous house in the ‘right’ catchment area, pay for tutors and live a pretty privileged life. Use private health. But think they’re better for using state schools.

Families don't have to agree on everything. If you get fed up, just have less contact with them.

They ate not criticising her parenting, they are criticising her politics.
They are entitled to hold and express their opinion, just as the op is entitled to pay to disadvantage other people's children.

Do not engage in discussion with your friends and family on the matter - if they try, tell them it’s a personal matter and none of theirs.

Focus on what’s best for your DC.

They’re just jealous op. I can’t imagine what difference it makes to their lives.?

Refuse to engage with them on it and tell them the decision is taken. They are being very unkind

Yes, I’d go for that option.

The only other one is to leave- every single time, no matter what the occasion. Christmas dinner? Family birthday restaurant meal? Tell them in advance that you will leave if this subject is brought up again and follow through. This can be done calmly but firmly.

On a far less important note I’m dealing with comments re not driving DH’s new automatic. I know someone who faced the same comments and after trying to ignore them/ change the subject she was so angry that she told DH to tell them that if they made the comments again she would leave. The next time they visited these people they went in both cars and when the inevitable happened she walked out and drove herself home. The next time she refused to go. Then there was an apology. It sounds extreme, but she had enough of, in her case, being repeatedly ridiculed and told she was being silly etc. It isn’t anyone else’s business whether she drive manual or automatic, or how you educate your DC if you can afford to.

they don’t agree with private schools.
OP people of all political persuasions have wangled their children into the best possible state school or found reasons to send them to private school.
Ignore your PIL, any more comments and your gone. I wouldn't leave the children with them any time soon either or they'll be going on about 'posh' schools to them.
If it's the right school, that's all they need to know.

Well I hope you feel the same way about everything you can pay for to receive a better service??

Could be the grandparents

Just say you do you and I’ll do me. They’re happy with their choice and you’re happy with yours.

And every academic, sporting and musical accolade make sure to tell them (as family interested in your child) including the stellar exam results. Usually shuts them up.

Fear? Is what???

Of course you can make your own decisions re your children's education. And, if your family are abusive on the subject you can state that you re not going to discuss the topic with them any more.

However I do think that you need to ponder the important decision you are taking. Education is not just about academic exam results. It is also about meeting as wide a range of people as you can, in particular people who are not as advantaged as you are. Many careers will bring your child into contact with a wide range of the public and (s)he needs to know how to interact with them. . Think Medicine. law, retail, setting up a business etc.

Finally, I'm sure you want your child to achieve the best academic results (s)he can. Though it is true that privately educated students do somewhat better than State schools at A level, the tables are turned at Degree level when State pupils perform better. And, it is at degree level and post degree level that results matter most for access to very competitive careers eg Barristers, Investment Houses etc etc.

Research
'While raw, unadjusted degree outcomes often appear to favour privately educated students—largely due to a higher concentration of them attending highly selective institutions—in-depth studies by the Higher Education Funding Council for England (HEFCE), the Sutton Trust, and the University of Cambridge reveal a different reality:
When grades are equal: State school students consistently outperform private school pupils who enter university with the same A-level grades.
Disproportionate progression: Research shows privately educated students at Russell Group universities are roughly a THIRD LESS LIKELY to achieve a First or 2:1 compared to state school peers with similar entry grades.
Raw outcomes: Historically, unadjusted figures from the Independent Schools Council indicate about 67% of independent school pupils achieve a 2:1 or above, compared to around 62% of state school pupils. However, this disparity disappears entirely when prior educational attainment (A-level grades) is accounted for. 1]

Her DH has already done this (it’s his parents) and they keep bringing it up

I don’t think it especially matters what the subject of the discussion is. You both have well-established positions and neither of you is going to change your minds so repeatedly discussing it is fruitless and upsetting, and it’s fine to say that.

“We have completely understood your point of view but we do not share it. Neither of us is going to change our minds and so you need to stop bringing it up because we’re just going to upset each other needlessly”.

Be prepared to calmly leave if you have to.

If you really want to resolve this, then it might be worth setting aside a time to sit down with them and discuss the issue thoroughly. You shouldn't have to discuss it - it is 100% none of their business - but sometimes it's the only way to get someone off their high horse. Let them say every single thing they want to say, don't be defensive, acknowledge their thoughts and feelings, then at the end of the conversation say 'ok, we've discussed this, you've told us how you feel, this topic is no longer up for debate, agreed?' If they bring it up again, say 'We've discussed this,' and don't respond.

My dad has very little interest in my life but for some reason got a bee in his bonnet with I said I was going to study psychology at university. He kept making comments about it, so at one point I said 'Ok let's talk about it, tell me why you object to it.' Shock horror he had nothing to say and he completely dropped it.

Sometimes I think people get stuck on something because there are unresolved feelings around it -as other posters have said maybe they're conflicted, in relation to their own parenting. If you give someone a forum to air their actual views, sometimes it'll all come out (which is quite vulnerable and exposing) and sometimes they'll just shut the hell up. Either way it's a good result - though your DH may need to be prepared to hear things he doesn't want to know.

I’m completely opposed to private education, but my best friend sends her child to a private school and I would never dream of discussing my opinions with her. Do your family want to fall out with you over it? It’s not the hill I’d choose to die on with someone I valued in my life.

I’d say something along the lines of ‘The decision is made, we are happy with it and I don’t want to fall out with you, so let’s agree not to discuss it again.’

“We could have invested in a bigger property and better holidays but decided it was better to invest in our children’s education. What we do with our money and children is our business and not yours.” Polite but firm!

I think the OP is suggesting it is they that want to go NC, which is very sad and a huge over reaction but probably coming from a place of fear rather than jealousy

Private education isn’t perfect, but it’s a beacon of high standards in British schooling. This made me laugh!

But the point of the thread is the OP is allowed to choose for her own family.

I suspect they have a deep down fear that your DC will be socialised into not respecting their DC. It’s not an illegitimate fear. It wouldn’t show up in childhood but 25 years down the line. Can you talk to them about what you’re doing to avoid that eventuality?

Excellent post, thank you.