to ask how to deal with family criticism over sending our child to a private school?

Gosh no, you are not being unreasonable.
I had the rare experience of attending private (day and boarding) and a state school. I can categorically say the standard of education I received excelled with private schooling - not because the teachers are better, but simply because the class sizes are smaller, the students tend to be more academic (if they have to pass entrance exams to get in) and there is a general expectation to excel. With state, most of the pupils didn’t care. State focused on the pupils at the bottom of the class and the bright ones were overlooked because class sizes were huge. My child is at a private school and I don’t give a hoot what people, I want him to have the best opportunities in life, why is that a bad thing? Ignore anyone who criticises you (it’s jealousy) - you’re doing the best for your family.

It is a political statement

But be prepared to be accused of snobbery

'Thank you, you're very kind' really puzzles those who say this, their little brows are very furrowed, it can only add to life's amusement.

Your first mistake was in listening to them and engaging with them! I am always amazed on MN how many families seem to live in each others pockets, telling each other things, considering everything up for discussion! Probably one of the advantages of living abroad when ours were small and not being one who talks about much in the way of family matters.

They don’t need to ‘accept your choice’.
they need to stfu about something which is of no concern to them.
it’s your money , your child, your child’s education - and your choice . Remind them that you are not making a political statement - you are merely doing what you consider appropriate for your child .

@RunBeforeBreakfast
It's absolutely griping them isn't it?
You dared to do what they would've done given the chance
When brought up again
I feel you have to totally ignore
But be prepared to be accused of snobbery
Or better still
Keep your distance
Lot of green-eye going on there over a matter that's nothing to do with them

I always find it interesting that such a huge fuss is made about private education (I think most sensible people accept that a certain amount of private healthcare is needed to avoid the country and indeed, the NHS, grinding to a halt).

...when food, which is absolutely necessary to.life, is provided almost completely privately, and for profit to boot!

I find it really strange that people get so incensed about private school. There are lots of things that aren't "fair" or give individuals privileges but let's not insist that people avoid these things unless everyone can take advantage. That's not helping anyone.

Most of us have limited resources, time and money and we have to make choices based on our own circumstances and priorities. That's just life.

As parents we try to do what we feel is best for our families and we accept that other things work for other families, from the jobs and working hours we have to the house location and size we live in and yes, to our children's education, hobbies and leisure time, the food we eat and the holidays we take.

If your in laws don't want your child mixing with people who attend private school, does that mean the child can't do any hobbies that "private school kids" do? No music lessons outside of school in case the child gets ideas above her station? What about TV and films, should she not watch certain things in case that influences her too much, no Harry Potter because Hogwarts is a boarding school?

It's a shame that the in laws are taking this stance but if you capitulate or act apologetic then you're sending the wrong message to your child. How would you want your child to behave when they're being told that they shouldn't go to the private school? You need to model that. If it means a family split then it's them that are forcing it.

And no, I've not used private schools myself or for my family. I don't care whether others do though.

Those people are also paying taxes which support state schools and the nhs.

I suppose you don't believe they should work hard and earn money either.

Tell me more about your little utopia where everyone earns the same, everyone is looked after by the state and there is no free choice. Will everyone be employed by the state too? No aspirations? Will everyone live in identical houses? we wouldn't want anyone having a nicer house than anyone else.

I think it is dangerous for the state to control everything that is "essential to life".

History tells us that can end very badly.

Personally I do . Whilst I agree with the family view, I personally would close every private school down and private hospitals and any other public service which is an essential to life. People who use private bang on about how they get better care, better results in school. Well just maybe, if the people who pay for these services had to stay in the system they would improve. Instead the rich don't care because they do not need to use them.

Ah, how did I miss the plot twist? Yawn.

How ridiculously rude. I suspect I could run rings around you in terms of original thought and my dcs would whoop your ass. As for interaction with people from a different background, well your ignorance shines through loud and clear.

Been there, done that….smile, ignore and grey rock. It infuriates them whilst simultaneously taking the pressure off when you’re having sleepless nights about where the next monthly install of £2+k after tax is coming from.

I really don’t mean that negatively/tritely. I speak as sole breadwinner paying those fees for 15 years. It’s 100% worth it in the right school (ours was top 20 London school). I really wouldn’t go for a lesser school if you don’t have to. Go for it. The right school is 100% worth it. But ignore ignore every other jealous person.

Best of luck 💪 It is 100% worth it.

No. Things are imperfect, that's undisputed. I'm not naively presenting a version of a society where all children have equal access to things. You can't make parents buy books and force them to read to their children - and some can't afford to or won't have been taught the skills. Or they be ill/disabled/working/caring. But you can invest in libraries and better education/youth facilities and remove clear examples of inequality which is what I deem private schools to be. I don't necessarily need people to agree with me. It's just my personal opinion.

"reduce inequalities based on social systems".

Actually, I vehemently disagree that there should be a distinction between natural inequalities and societally created inequalities. Alot of "societal inequalities" come about as solutions to natural inequalities. As humans, we very much can and should have agency.

I disagree that because nature made me short, ugly and bad at maths, I should be forever deprived of all the good things that tall, beautiful, clever people enjoy. I want loads of sex too!

I know the tabloids focus on the super wealthy in private schools. Alot of these people have large inherited wealth, so private vs public schooling for them is neither here nor there.

My personal experience of state vs private - I have experienced both - is that alot of the private parents are not in fact uber wealthy (yes, there are definitely some!) but are people who, for reasons of their own/the child they have, chose - at great cost to themselves - to pay twice for their childs education. (agreed, these parents still definitely earn above average).

In the state school I have experience of (affluent area), many parents had similar levels of wealth to the private parents, but chose state. Alot more were sahm's vs the private school. Some would rather give their kid a house deposit. Some thought a nicer quality of life for their child was more important to them.

Both are legitimate choices imo. Both actually cause different societal inequalities. Do we ban stay at home mums because their kids are more advantaged (help with homework, more involved in school life, more time to be emotionally available) than the kids whose mums cannot afford to stay at home? (tbf mumsnet threads often do demonise sahm's).

Surely we should all be allowed to make individual choices based on who we are, and our strengths, preferences and capabilities?

A brush-stroke generalisation about private education, like all generalisations is lazy and unfair.

Quote 'I'm arguing that if we can reduce inequalities created by social systems, especially around something as important as education, we should consider doing so.'
But there are always differences between children. What about a home with books and toys versus one without; or parents who can afford to pay for extra tuition/enrichment activities or even teach their kids themselves? Do you propose to outlaw those differences too?

When a person in our circle makes a choice we are strongly opposed to on ethical grounds, we have two choices. Either we decide they have sufficient positive qualities, or the relationship is so important, it outweighs the thing, in which case, we stay off the subject. Or, if we feel that strongly, we distance from them.
What is never OK is to stick around and keep beating them for it.
If I were you I'd be laying it out for them in those terms. This is our choice. I understand you disagree, but our minds are made up. So you either accept that and drop the subject, or decide you can't continue to socialise with us because your feelings on this are so strong. You decide. Because we won't keep revisiting this.

Your examples of height and beauty actually highlight the point I was making rather than challenge it. Those are natural differences that exist whether we like it or not. Private schooling is different because it is a system we choose to have. I'm not arguing that all inequality can be eliminated. I'm arguing that if we can reduce inequalities created by social systems, especially around something as important as education, we should consider doing so. Of course parents want the best for their children, and I understand why people use every advantage available to them. But the question is whether a society should structure access to opportunities around family wealth. That’s a different issue from people having different natural traits.

Some parents with mediocre kids send them to private school in order for them to get a bit of extra attention. Instead of getting lost in the mire at the local comp.

I have a friend who's son was good at rugby. He was not academic. He wasn't trying. She sent him to the local private school, where he could play rugby every day. The condition was that he would knuckle down with his academic work.

He was as happy as a little pig in mud. He passed some exams. He was never very academic but did set up his own business. The school instilled him with a can do work ethic. As far as his mother was concerned, sending him to private school had been a success. The child was happy and did well in life.

Our family have absolutely no experience of private school. Just a mix of what they’ve heard in the media and assumptions they’ve made themselves.

Now that our DC are at private school and they have seen how they’ve flourished and been to events etc they think it’s the best thing ever.

Like most things, it’s the threat of people living their lives differently that makes them dislike it.

Locally to me are three private schools. One is in the top three in the country and costs ££££ per term, the students need to be at the top of their cohort and even then only maybe will they get in. The other two will take anyone who will pay the fees and their results are worse than most of the local state schools. Paying more doesnt mean that you get the best.

I am not against @RunBeforeBreakfast choosing private at all, but dont assume that paying more means that you get more. Thats what lower performing fee paying schools bank on.

it amazes me when anyone can say they don’t agree with private schools. it’s ridiculous. Well done for ignoring the haters and giving your child the best

Question. But private education is not the only privilege there is, is it? It is measurable, which is why there is so much focus on it.

How about height? Taller people are statistically wealthier than shorter. (I'm a shorter person, btw). Should I ask tall people to cut their legs off because of the privilege it brings them? How about beauty? That's an unfair privilege that many women enjoy! Or indeed brains. It's unfair that some people are born brainier than others!!

Surely it's natural that parents want to give their children the best chance of success, whatever that means to them. Would you turn down a promotion because it will result in you earning more money than others who, through no fault of their own, were not able to get the promotion?

My family friend had a brainy kid, and a regular kid. She sent the brainy kid to grammar school and the regular kid to private school. To give them both a great shot at life. Surely that makes sense?

On the other hand, a friend had a kid who was seriously brainy and clearly losing interest in school because they "were not learning anything in school" (In the kids words). So (had the means to) sent their kid to a very competitive private school.

We're all different no?

Politely, but firmly, state "I've listened to your thoughts on the subject, and as I said before, the decision is made. The subject is now closed to further discussion. Please do not raise this again".