AIBU to stop subsidising my partner's hobby and his spending?

I don't think it's financial abuse either. The OP is the one controlling the money and knows how much money he has to spend on his hobby.
She willingly gives him extra when he asks for it and pays for things he can't afford as he has used his money such as meals out.
Unless there is going to be a drip feed that she is scared of his reaction if he can't have the money then I don't see it as abuse, and actually see the issue is that he is oblivious to how much he spends and how much is being picked up by his partner.
As she says the best strategy might be to say no each time he asks for money and to have a month where hopefully he will learn that they can't go out for a meal as he can't pay his share.

I’d have to disagree on the abuse. The OP is a willing participant (and I’m sorry op, but also a complete mug) but I don’t see any evidence of abuse. A CF that’s getting away with murder, yes but not abuse

It’s financial abuse. And you’re a fool for allowing him to take advantage of you whilst knowing he’s doing that.

I’ve said you’re being unreasonable as you’ve created this dynamic. Why have you allowed this to continue to the point where you’re paying for everything and also supporting his children?

Do you live together? Why are you funding his hobby? If he can’t afford to go out, why are you paying for everything? Does he work? Does he not contribute at all? Do you have children together?

So many questions, but the biggest one is why are you still with him?

You aren’t his mother!!!!! You shouldn’t even be asked for money from another grown adult let alone feeling you have to give it to him!

Am I the only one getting increasingly irritated by the term "fun money"?

Stop giving him your money for his hobby and stop using your money for his children.

He needs to budget his left over money after bills while you constantly top him up and sub him be will never learn.

My DH was like this. I printed out the statement and showed him he had spent over $1k a month on his hobby with eBay. He was shocked. 😳
I said it’s not sustainable, you need to turn off eBay alerts, and only check eBay for an hour or so on a Friday. We agreed on a limit to the spending and implemented it by him only having a certain amount in his PayPal account each month. I did agree that if he wanted a larger purchase, he could sell some of his hobby stuff to trade up.

We later discovered he had undiagnosed ADHD which caused him to do this kind of impulse buying. In addition eBay is designed to hook people with ADHD because there is the excitement of bidding on an auction and the dopamine hit of winning. It’s why ADHDers are at higher risk of addiction to gambling. Once he got meds for the ADHD, he was alot more restrained and felt in better control of what he was buying and when.

Sorry for accusing you of posting before. It must be a common problem. I think with the other poster it was antiques that her OH was buying. He always thought they were an investment.

I don't know why you are posting. He won't change and you will carry on treating him like another child, in fact you treat your own children worse than him or his kids. You said you treat his kids but not your own. That is mad.

You should be angry, he's using you. That money could be going to secure your own property, on your future, your children.

Live separately and date him if he's otherwise absolutely fantastic, but cease all payments to him and his kids. He'll try to manipulate you into continuing to bankroll him, don't fall for it.

He's got his 'fun money'.
He spends it.
Then he spends yours.

He is selfish. How can you say he isn't?

Yes to this. Or to reduce the amount of fun money you both have, with the rest remaining in the join account with money for other shared costs.

Does he realise when you are covering his share for meals etc that is coming from your spends?

As asked, does he have involvement in the budget at all or do you do it all for him so he presumes that the money he has is solely his to spend on him, forgetting that he might need to cover meals out, his adult kids birthdays etc

You need to change how you see fun money I think op. There needs to be family fun money and then your individual fun money. Because if he uses up all his fun money and then can't contribute to family days or holidays or things then that's still a debt he owes you because he's mismanaged his income. It's not enough just to stop subsidising him.

The bit that's the kicker in all this op is that he knows. He knows anyway because he's coming to you knowing you'll have the cash to spare because you've been sensible so he knows what that looks like, plus you've laid it out for him already and told him. So he's really clear that this doesn't work for you. He just doesn't care about that because he's selfish and getting what he wants is more important to him than you are sadly.

So unless you actually start enforcing this boundary he has no reason whatsoever to do anything differently. For me if he didn't start over paying into your joint savings for days out/ holidays as well as for longer term savings I'd take it very clearly that you're not in a partnership and you can't trust or rely on him. And that would be the end for me.

Eta: this is the definition of conscious incompetence

Nothing wrong with him having a hobby or collecting things if it makes him happy; however he should be using his fun money for this and not scrounging off you!! If his fun money doesn’t stretch to it because your budget doesn’t stretch to it then he needs to start saving! He’s behaving like a 5 year old!!

Look at the Rebel Finance School course available now for free.

You’ll be able to say “ going forward, I’m going to be investing the £500 a month I’ve been giving you in a S&S ISA. I realised if I’d done that 5 years ago, I’d be sitting on £39,000 allowing for 9/10% growth and compound interest. So going forward, that’s what I’ll be doing. Can you buy your toys using your own salary?”

We both have kids (older) and it's me that ends up treating his kids to stuff as mine are financially better off but I feel this is unfair as it should be him treating his kids not me, generally a good bloke not selfish

He IS selfish. He's a selfish ponce. 😒

He spends his fun money on himself and you spend your fun money on you both. How is that fair or equitable?

Yes I’ve definitely read this before. Don’t understand why people constantly post the same thing hoping for different answers, the answers won’t change.

He is in debt, to you. How many thousands are you down? What could that have been spent on? A holiday, supporting your children, invested to be worth tens of thousands by now?

It’s such a cheeky, sly debt too. As you don’t keep track of a few hundred here and there, he knows you haven’t asked to be repaid and he can innocently say he isn’t in debt. Ha!

I will say he doesn't get into debt

Well yes he does. It's just that it's you he owes the money to. OK, you might not be giving it to him with any expectation of repayment but the principle is the same. And if you didn't keep bailing him out then yes, he probably would get into debt.

Whilever you keep giving him the money he'll keep spending it. He doesn't need these things, he just wants them. Tough.

Definitely stop giving it to him, stop subsidising him. And make sure any savings are in an account he can't get at.

Bleurgh, another manchild.

Stop being "soft".

Separate finances. Or if you won't do that then stick strictly to the fun money allowance and don't subsidise him.

You hold more cards than you realise. You both have an income, not married, no joint kids (I think). You hold the purse strings. Just say no, it's entirely within your control to solve this problem yourself.

I think you're unreasonable to be annoyed about this when you've been the one giving him the money all this time. Of course he will keep asking!

I will consider how to change things in future

"Please mum wife, can I have some money for sweeties my grown-up boy hobby?"

"No"

There you are, saved you lots of 'consider time' there

his fun money should be from His money IMO
my sister had an ex husband like this - different hobbies which she helped pay towards
he eventually traded her in with a nail tech where he was having his sunbed sessions.
laughed at her when getting divorced and all her money going on. Childcare he paid £20 a month CSA
roll on 15+ years she is retiring this year aged 55yrs and he has at least another 13yrs to go
shes had the last laugh.