To think there is no genuine reason a 40-year-old man would be interested in a 22-year-old?

Dating much younger doesn't necessarily get Kudos

Maybe in a mixed sex group of friends this would be the case. However, in a guys only group this is definitely a brownie point. Like, look at me, I can pull someone as young as mu daughter.

I had a husband who I met when I was 21 and he was 40. When I was 36, he left me for a 25 year old. And a few years later, he lived with another girl in her 20s. Definitely a pattern there. The older he got, the creepier it seems.

There are definitely some issues there on both sides.

The only reason is your DD's age. For the majority of men, young means sexy. If there are two females, one attractive but 40 and the other one is average looking but 20, they are most likely to go for a 20 year old. And, the older they are, the most likely this would be the case. I dont know whether its the attraction of perceived "freshness" or inexperience or whatever, but its so prevalent its gross.

One guy I know had a partner who was 17 years younger than him, and he referred to her not by her name, not by calling her "my girlfriend". He referred to her as "23 year old". Yuk.

My friend married a man over 20 years her senior when she was 19. They have 2 children and seem happy together 12 years on. It happens. Not often but it does happen.

Just coming back to this. Even if she is looking for 'no strings' sex, I would still encourage her to meet any new man in person before deciding if they do seem like someone she would like to sleep with. The number of people I met to find they were nothing like their profile or gave me the ick pretty much straightaway.

Loads of older men fancied me when I was in my 20s. Some of them were a lot older than 40. Sexual attraction works like that, even if you don't want it to. The real question is why would a 22 year old want a 40 year old man with all the baggage that comes with a man that age?

Daddy issues and/or tik tok driven expectations of being showered with designer gifts and reservations at expensive restaurants is what usually makes the average 22 year old give a 40 year old sleeze the time of day.

Please let her know she is worth a lot more than a pervy older man who wants to bang a young chick for the kudos and can do so so much better.

I think age-gap discourse on here just shows people have no capacity for nuance. If he's got a strong or pattern of dating women half his age then obviously he's a creep but if not, I think it's sad you don't think your daughter has anything about her that someone would genuinely be interested in her as a person even with all they have in common.

Big age gap disparities are a pretty common phenomenon in history, particularly amongst the monied classes, and remain so in today's Hollywood circles: power, money and status meets youth, beauty and fertility. Eg, the Clooneys. I had a career in law, and it was very common to see male partners trading in their (same age) wives for younger solicitors/trainees/secretaries/support staff. The women in question were happy to leapfrog years of career/money struggles for a comfortable life presented to them on a platter. I doubt the same blokes would have been attracting 22 year olds if they were bin men.

Forget about the man, the problem here is your daughter. Why did she feel the need to tell him she was on her period? Surely you are more concerned about her than him? She sounds incredibly vulnerable so I am sure you have had a conversation around sexual expectations, self esteem etc?

She needs to start to be honest. The period thing shows how immature she is. He might be looking at younger women because he wants children. Dating much younger doesn't necessarily get Kudos, people have the reaction you are and a group of 40 year olds don't necessarily want young 20 somethings in their company. I was in a age gap relationship and got nothing but judgement, even three children in.

This does worry me. It points to a slight lack of confidence in that she needed to think of a concrete reason to say no, rather than feeling comfortable saying she just wasn't up for it. I would be having a big chat with her about how she doesn't need an excuse or to explain her reasons. She needs to feel confident enough that they could be half way through the act, lose the buzz and be able to say 'I'm not feeling it anymore let's stop and put some anime on' without worrying about a reaction.

I had a few dates with a guy in his early 40s when I was 24. I think I was attracted to his confidence and his “maturity” (what I thought was maturity vs the reality, which was control).

My mental health wasn’t great and I was looking for stability - men my age seemed very unstable by comparison: many didn’t want commitment, or wanted to travel for years before settling down. (I now realise of course that these are totally normal things to want in your twenties but they’re not what I desperately needed at the time)

I ended it and blocked him when I found out - surprise surprise! - that he was married with kids.

I look back on it with disgust. I’m so so so grateful to the friend who recommended therapy to me.

@missmollygreen Yes she is legally an adult but she lacks life experience. She is still discovering who is she is her brain is still developing. This creates a power imbalance against a 40 year old and the concern would be that this is what this man wants - power over someone.

As a young women I was insanely attracted to older men. As a grown woman I'd now get the ick if a guy only dated half his age, but if it was a one-off connection I don't have a problem. The devil's in the pattern I think.

This. Completely not necessary. Over sharing at its finest!

Yes! I thought it was going to be a hypothetical based on that series! I have had a massive crush on Jemaine Clement since Flight of the Conchords, so I wouldn't be thinking twice about dating him if I were 22 🤣

This sounds like the plot for the new Nicola Walker series, Alice and Steve.

Your 22yo DD is interested in a 40 yo man, is it really such a stretch to believe that a 40yo man can be interested in her as a person as well?

She is an adult, not 16.
She can vote, buy a house, get married, have children, go to war... literally everything.

Have you asked why your 22 year old DD would be interested in a 40 year old man?

She is looking for sex rather than commitment, as far as I can tell, although she's not said that outright to me (but who would admit that to their mum?). As her mum, I hate this, but she is a consenting adult, and she is able to give informed consent. She seems to be after a friends-with-benefits type arrangement.

That's the answer to your question ..can't see how you can suggest its to do with the man.
She's putting herself out their and you've said in your post above she's after sex without commitment.

She's told him she's on her period, and he says that's fine, they're only going for dinner, and he doesn't want sex with her on their first date.

Not even had a date and she's telling him that.
TBF she's the one that sounds like she's gagging for it.

This. I was shocked at this. She is saying she is up for it any other week of the month.

Rather than say she’s on her period (which implies she’d otherwise be ok with it) she can just say she doesn’t sleep with people on the first date, or even longer.

With an inane comment perhaps?

If they've only been meeting virtually so far, how certain is your DD that this man is actually not in fact married? Or does that prospect not bother her?