Asking family to pay for own meals when invited out

Won’t the drinks end up more expensive than the food?

As shown by the two sets of families in the thread and the differing opinions this is something that is family specific. For my family it would not even enter their heads that the host pays or any one individual . In DH family it's a fight for the bill to pay with the host leading the charge. The difference between the two families is that mine has a wide range of incomes and DH is all comfortable.

I think the fact it is family makes a bit of a difference op in that you can ask them to pay in advance - though tricky if your DH feels he can't.

As a very general rule, I think if you ask people out to celebrate your birthday etc, people tend to assume you are paying unless it is made clear. I have been to some excruciatingly embarrassing birthday parties where it became obvious we were paying for ourselves and some people had left early without doing so, or hadn't brought the right debit card etc. Basically events where there was a huddle at the table sorting out the bill at the end, trying to work out who had left without paying what etc. For that reason, I would tend to pick up the tab if inviting, or simply have it at home if not paying.

Asking people to pay can feel awkward but leaving it till the night is worse.

I am the same couldn’t do it, if invite you I am paying.

If I was invited out for an ordinary meal with family or friends then I’d expect to pay for myself but if I was asked along to be part of a celebration then I’d expect it was paid for by whoever was asking as I’d have no say over the place it was being held and the menu offered. If you choose to have a celebration and want others there to celebrate with you then you have what you can afford, not organise something and then expect others to cover the cost.

No I wouldn't.

Especially as they'll feel obliged to spend out on an 18th birthday present too.

I think with the way prices have risen you would be quite reasonable to get in touch with the extended family and say
DS has decided that he would like to go to xxx for his birthday. He would love to have as many of the family as can make it there. Let me know how many are coming so we can book the table. Drinks will be on us but not food.

We’ve always paid for our own food when going out for bday meals with friends or family. Never expected anyone else to pay. Been the same through my whole life and my friends would say the same. Very unusual to expect the host to pay I’d say.

It’s a difficult one because there’s no ‘rule’ as such when inviting people to a milestone birthday celebration. If it was my niece’s 18th I’d expect to pay my own way because her family don’t have much money. If it was one of my kids their dad, even though we are no longer together but he’d be there, would pay for everyone because he’s got plenty of money and would do it automatically.

I have never ever expected someone else to pay for a meal for me unless it was explicit ‘we’d like to take everyone out for dinner’. I’ve had a few birthday dinners so far this year and always paid for my own food and drinks.

I think it’s weird that people expect this.

Just message that we’re going here on this date and we’d love you to join if you can.
If there’s a set group menu that’s easier as you can say it’s £25 per person. Let me know if you can make it.

It's not about good manners at all! I'm going to guess you don't go out very often. If it's the norm to go out regularly with family then it's the norm to split the bill.

I suspect the divide across this subject is that for those that see going out for a meal together as a big deal, it is maybe slightly different? If whoever suggested a meal amongst my friends and family always paid, it would be chaos as we go out probably once a week or more.

Can you not have a meal restaurant with close close family perhaps and then have a BBQ for extended family?
this will be cheaper of course - more work - and you can tell people to bring their own drink….

Normally we'd ask what are they/you doing for your birthday and the answer is, we are all going out to x restaurant, if you want to join us, you can, we'd go and expect to pay for our own food. I don't know anyone who'd expect to be paid for under those circumstances.
@PeopleWatching17 you'd word it that you are all joining up/getting together to celebrate the birthday and do they want to go? If you've got a place in mind, you'd say it and say it, or if on WA, send the menu over, to see if they are interested in going. When we celebrated my DN's birthday, because there were so many of us, we had to choose before we went.

You’re inviting people to a celebration so you should pay for the meal.

Same. It would quietly taint the occasion.

This sounds like a reasonable compromise.

I think it’s fine to expect people to pay for themselves but then you also have to accept, with genuine understanding and good heartedness, that they may not want to come. I would never expect someone to fork out on my behalf if they couldn’t afford it / didn’t want to.

I would word it along the lines of “We’re taking DS out for his birthday. We’d love you to join but it’s an expensive night out and so completely understand if you’d prefer to sit this one out.”

Go out for a meal just with immediate family, and also host a more informal occasion e.g. bbq at your home for wider family. They wouldn’t get much chance to talk to DS while seated in a restaurant anyway.

I think you can word it so people pay their own say something like we are going to x for some dinner would anybody like to come i can book it for you ? Although saying that if it was my Dc birthday I would pay.

HE wants to go to a restaurant, YOU want to invite the wider family. In reality he'd rather go out with his mates.

It’s quite normal among my friends and family that we would pay for our own.
when it was DD’s 21st we were honest with people. We said we couldn’t afford to pay for everyone but would put £20 pp towards the meal and we understood if they didn’t want to come. Just talk to people and be honest.

I think it really depends on the dynamic. If you invite relatives that are younger (teens/20s) or you know who are struggling financially themselves then I think it’s rude to expect them to pay. If you are inviting super wealthy uncle Joe- then I wouldn’t necessarily expect to pay for him myself. We have a variety in our wider family and usually we would expect to cover the cost ourselves - but “uncle Joe” and others would chip in generously if not try to pick up the tab themselves. We are very in the middle of the family wealth tree.

I think if you say “we are going for a meal on Saturday to celebrate son’s birthday. Would come along?” That would imply you aren’t paying for everyone.
I think though that it would be nice of you to buy a couple of bottles of fizz - or how ever many is needed - to toast him.

This. A "normal" birthday yes, I could imagine people paying for themselves but for an 18th birthday - that's either I pay or I do it at home.

If you don't want that then please say it openly that you only pay for a drink to celebrate and will bring a cake for dessert (obviously check with the venue first).

I think this is absolutely fine if it’s really clear! We often do this in my family as we like to see everyone but don’t want to pay for second cousins we only see on birthdays etc.

id just say:
”hi x, we’re having a meal at Y restaurant for DS’s 18th on (whenever) and he’d love for you to come! Everyone is paying for their own meals but we’ll get a few bottles of bubbly for the table to celebrate. Please let me know if you can make it!”

then if things are also tight for them it’s easy to say sorry we’re busy, and it’s obvious what expectations are