Am I being unfair about a friends excitement over my pregnancy

EXACTLY!
These people who have a sudden change of heart always come with Sly intentions

I would start distancing myself NOW. She is gearing up to leach on you. By that I mean, planning to bring her two to all baby plans you make and just expecting you to pitch in. She will be comparing your babies, expecting you to pass down clothing or stuff as soon as your baby outgrows.
If she’s asked you for money, then be certain she is going to poke , prod and compare what you buy.
I would create the line of distance pretty soon.

I also knew someone like this who had 3 when I had my one. Her brood would come over and wreck my place or my baby’s toys while she thought that I should be grateful that my baby now had ‘friends’.
Also days out were chaotic with her 3 when I just wanted a chilled day with kids my babies own age.
I dropped that friendship pretty quick.

You sound like a terrible friend. Do you even like her?

Does she have any other mum friends? If she’s asking you for childcare even thought you’re not close then it sounds like she doesn’t have much support. Why hadn’t you met up for two years? Maybe she’s wanted to be a closer friend than you did and she thinks the pregnancy will bring you together. It sounds like you need to manage her expectations now before the baby is born

She's excited

Just ignore her mainly, and keep her as a more distant friend.

Just wait and see how you feel after youve had the baby. It might be nice to have her company. No reason to be suspicous or offended with her friendliness.

The op or friend?

It sounds like she’s trying to make herself seem like a rock for you during your pregnancy and the early weeks of motherhood so she can start asking for favours and money to “pay her back” when her time comes. I would just stop replying to her frequent messages and definitely don’t meet up. Just reply very vaguely occasionally without giving any info over she can latch onto.

this - you asked her to help in your baby shower but then unhappy she was trying too hard to help? I think you are over thinking this - whatever she says about the future is not guarented to how she will feel or want when the future becomes the present.
but I am confused about your friendship - you do childcare and lend her money but not good friends?

I feel sorry for her, you sound miserable and mean. I hope she finds some other mum friends.

YABU, she’s probably just excited after doing it alone last time. I’d be asking if everything is okay and why she’s so desperate for companionship this time

I’d be wondering if she’s depressed or scared. Or maybe she hasn’t got many people who have arranged nice things?

Oh sure, we don’t know the details! It would take an actually criminally harassing level of texts and calls for someone’s excitement to impact on a reasonable person’s enjoyment of their pregnancy though. I expect the OP would have led with that if that were the case. Otherwise just mute and ignore, surely.

Well, if the OP says she feels like I’ve spent a lot of my pregnancy managing someone else’s expectations and excitement rather than just enjoying it myself there are two possibilities, surely.

One is that her pregnancy is being genuinely ruined by endless texts and phonecalls from the previously distant friend and that the OP needs better boundaries to deal with it.

The other is that she's being insanely self-dramatising, and the friend has only been in relatively infrequent contact and expressed enthusiasm chiefly to other people, which case the OP is obviously being ridiculous.

The OP hasn't said either way, and hasn't responded to posters saying 'Exactly how often has this woman been in touch with you?' so we don't know.

I absolutely agree with you that people won't always behave as you would like them to, and that, while others' behaviour is not within your control, your own always is. The other woman's expectations are irrelevant. The OP doesn't have to share them unless she wants to.

MN is absolutely obsessed with “boundaries” and overthinking every interaction.

Everyone is different and often people won’t behave in exactly the way you would like them to. That’s life. I think posting about it here is just an extension of the meanness women often show towards their friends. It’s like you want people to say “sound like she’s obsessed with you! What a weirdo.”

If you don’t like her, no-one is forcing you to be friends with her.

Of course I don't know for certain as I don't know her, maybe she is overstepping. But I also think maybe you're underestimating how valuable a friendship like that can be as a mum to young children. None of my friends have babies and I wasn't at all interested in a mum friends and 'doing motherhood together'. But after having the baby I longed for it. Someone who really gets it. I'd love for a friend to come round with her baby and we have adult chat and watch the babies together.

Keep her at arms length if she makes you uncomfortable. But don't burn the bridge as you may appreciate having a friend like that when baby arrives

I would enjoy her company as much as you like but make sure to have boundaries.
Only meet outside the house

I’m slightly confused when you say you weren’t as close as you used to be but you asked her to help organise your baby shower, which I would have thought would be close friend/relatives’s job

I agree with this. My first thought was that she didn’t have the mum group / friendships with her first baby. It can be hard seeing groups of other mums and you’re just in your own, so maybe she’s excited that she might have someone to do motherhood with this time round.
I also agree that it would frustrate me too though. It’s like a pressure that you have to include her in your day with your baby.

Probably best to just reply less often. Once baby is here you can say you’re tired and enjoying the newborn bubble etc

I think you are being a bit precious. just don't reply / arrange to meet if you don't want to. when your babies are here you'll both be much more occupied anyway but you might find it useful having a friend going through it at the same time.

I took that as meaning the friend has been too intense, and assumed they’ll have a close buddy friendship going forward, and also perhaps being interfering or overbearing to op.

Yeah this phrase jumped out at me as being totally unreasonable too. Surely just don’t message back all that often if she’s bothering you. Realistically when her baby is here she isn’t going to be spending all her time worrying about what you’re up to. And realistically, when your own baby is here, you will be very glad of having a friend with a similar-aged child to hang out with from time to time. That’s all it really needs to be.

I would fade her out, she’s being weird.

This is the reason why I don’t like to cultivate female friendships. The expectations, pressure and then hostility when I can’t give them what they expect and when I don’t do what they think I should when they expect me to.

in your shoes, I would gradually fade out before a nasty scene occurs

Does sound a mixture of excitement, and desperation, ie desperate to be part of your life. Maybe she’s just trying to be helpful, but it does sound a bit intense.

You need to put in boundaries. So be proactive when she can visit. If she wants to come around daily ‘to help’ then push back and say you have a dh and family . If she says she can stay as well, then refuse her and say it’s too many people. The good thing is that a baby can be tiring, so you can say you’re not up to having visitors etc, even if you have to turn her away at the door. If she gets huffy, then so be it, not your problem.