Am I being unfair about a friends excitement over my pregnancy

OP has mentioned their families - why should she accept this woman who frankly sounds a bit deranged.

I think this just comes down to the fact that some women need female company more than others or maybe you are just more introverted than her.
There is nothing wrong with just wanting to spend time with your family but for some women especially during pregnancy this is not enough.
I would just tell her straight that its too much for you and maybe you could meet occasionally instead if you genuinely do like her?

Oh my god, she's "voluntold" you as her new best friend, semi-co-parent, on call childminder, baby clothing swap/donator, money lender, you name it.

I’m excited to become a mum, but my focus is very much on my partner, our baby and our families. I don’t really want a daily-contact, shared-childcare, “we’re doing motherhood together” type friendship.

Perfectly reasonable.

Edit to add: Beware unilateral decision makers. You've had no say in any of her plans at all.

You need to keep her at arms length. You don't need to reply to her messages, it is ok to ignore her. Tell her straight that you will not be able to ever lend her any money again. You can tell her firmly that you aren't making any plans at this stage and will want some space when the baby is born. If she comes round anyway then don't let her in.

You are going to have to be firm, some people find it hard to do that and then let others walk all over them.

What do you say when she asks for money? Saying no may be the way to make her distance herself from you.

Regarding the excitement, it's pretty clear that she wants something from you, possibly because she's not getting it from her partner. Maybe a combination of money, emotional support, being a babysitter or an additional parent figure. Either way, if it doesn't suit you then stop going along with things. Best to tell her that you're busy and don't have time to chat etc.

I understand that she's being overbearing, but when you have your baby you'll be able to decide if you want to engage, or not. I personally only wanted to spend time with my DH and DD - I don't have many close friends in the area anyway but wasn't interested in seeking out other mums as I was exhausted and not up to socialising. The idea of taking my daughter out to a coffee shop etc. didn't appeal at all as she didn't sleep well and struggled with reflux.

However, there are plenty of mums who need connection during mat leave and would like someone to text during 3am feeds, or to take the baby to the park with.

If you don't want to engage with her, it's really easy to be able to say 'sorry, X didn't sleep well so we're not up to doing a play date today', or keep contact to a coffee date once per fortnight. Babies are a brilliant excuse!

If she doesn't accept that or continues to overstep then just phase out the friendship. In the end, you don't really owe anyone anything?

How did she know you were pregnant a year ago? You must have told her way before the 12-week mark which would have been less than 6 months ago?

She is coming on a bit strong! It’s only natural to feel uncomfortable if you don’t want to be close again. You can’t force friendships and she will get the message if you decide to distance yourself, but I wouldn’t rush into doing that just yet.

Is there any reason why you have drifted? Maybe because she had her first, while you were not in that phase of life yet? I’ve had some friends who don’t have kids and they’ve not even seen me or asked how I am, so I not expecting to really want to be friends with them going forwards. Do you know if she had a good first maternity leave?

As I come to the end of my maternity leave, i have personally found it very isolating and lonely at times, and that’s not without trying. I have a nice NCT group and we chat most weeks, but I’ve only met them 3 times this year (I guess we just haven’t clicked). I’ve done all the baby classes and tried to make mum friends but nothing came of them... Yes, it’s an amazing year for you to get to know your baby but it is a hard year and a big stress on relationships/marriage and if you’re currently working and out the house regularly it can be a shock from seeing people everyday to suddenly being with a baby you also have to get to know.

I think having this friend where you don’t have to make a huge effort with could possibly be a blessing.

Aside from the money borrowing thing (say no if this ever comes up again) - as a mum of 2, maternity leave isn’t all roses. It can be extremely isolating and lonely and you will be glad to have a real mum friend when that happens - everyone goes back to work after all!

If you have drifted in the past couple of years that sounds like it’s happened since she’s had a child so maybe you should have been a better friend there. If you were unhappy with babysitting then you should have said no also.

I’d keep her at arms length if it’s really bothering you that much but honestly I would have loved a friend like that on maternity leave!

She has asked to borrow money. That is crossing a line and unacceptable - she isnt just offering support

and if she asks for money again, just say no, it really is not that difficult.

This. If you wish to continue with the friendship, you need to put very clear boundaries in place otherwise this will snowball once her baby arrives.

I was thinking this! Op, is a first time mum, perhaps she hasn’t heard the old saying it takes a village!

words of advice don’t turn anyone’s help down you just never know how things work out! This is what my mum told me when I had my first. My husband elderly aunt who I didn’t know walked in and picked up my newborn from his crib. Don’t know what it irked me - but it did and I moaned to my mum. Aunt lives a few minutes drive away whereas my family is hours away! During my first year the amount of times that aunty as been a life saver to me! She is atleast 45 years older than I but during the hard times as shown up here to hold the baby whilst I shower, have a cup of tea, change my sheets! I had a baby who never napped! I also got really unwell when baby was about 4 months and hubby was out of the country and I had no one else to call! She came, cooked and tidied up and looked after the baby and dog whilst I slept! Don’t burn bridges yet. People are just generally over excited about newborns! They lose interest once they become toddlers!

Leave at least two to three days before replying to every message she sends. Or longer. You are busy living your own life. She will pick up on that vibe without you having to do anything else.
Set boundaries for no visits except for the people you want (usually only family and close friends) for the first few weeks or months by casually mentioning it to her. Just so she doesn’t turn up at your house when baby is here. Lots of people ask visits to be arranged through other halves.
Then you’ll have your baby in a few weeks. She will have hers in a few months and you might be glad of a pram walk together in a few months after that. Life is about to get busy. Focus on rest just now. You won’t get rest and free time the same way for a very long time.

Younhave allowed this to happen.
She sees younas useful, for a variety of things.

You are very silly to allow this, but clearly your boundaries are poor.

You will pay dearly with stress if you don't step back firmly from her.
Good luck.

I think that resentment has already started.

You don’t want to be in a situation where you are having to manage her friendship expectations when you should be enjoying your first child.

I would set her straight before baby comes.

you will resent her down the line if you allow this to continue.

Never a lender or a borrower be.

I would gradually disengage from her simply because it is unacceptable to ask a friend to lend you money. I feel trouble ahead

Yes this.

Just find your voice, say no thank you to things and create the distance you want without being unpleasant. Perfectly do-able.

You just sound like very different people. Maybe she doesn't have the same support and family that you do around her? It's always nice to know other mums especially when kids are the same age, it's nice to have someone to go for coffee and a play with. It does maybe sound like she has little support given she's asked you for childcare in the past. The money thing is definitely too much. I'd just keep it at the level of contact you want and I'm sure she will get the message. Maybe a monthly meet up with the babies.

I was thinking the same

I was going to say you were being unreasonable as she just sounded excited until you mentioned the money part. No one should be asking for cash regularly and because you've given it to her in the past like a good friend would I fear she sees you as a regular cash donor. Like others have said, distance yourself and enjoy your baby with your family and those friends who don't see you as a cash cow ! Frankly I find it dispicable behaviour. Congratulations and enjoy, it goes so fast x

You may find you actually do need and appreciate “the village” when you actually have the baby.
I’ve basically co-parented my youngest with my friends and their kids, something I didn’t have with my older two and I’ve found I’ve enjoyed it.

If you weren’t particularly close friends then why the hell is she involved in running your baby shower, even if it’s just the games as intended?!

Or even why was she invited to it?!

It’s obvious you haven’t had a child before. Most of the mums realise how lonely and isolating it is, especially during mat leave and they crave adult companionship. Soon you ll realise why she is so happy you are pregnant at the same time.