Making memory books after poor prognosis

So sorry about your prognosis, @Memorymaker .

Your post made me think about the memories I treasure about my own mother, although I was well into middle age when she died.

I often think about tales she told me about her own childhood, daft things she got up to with her sisters, her fox terrier that had an irrational hatred of boys in wellington boots, how bossy her older sister was, how they hated going to visit Auntie Violet and once ate loads of crab apples so they'd get the squits and wouldn't have to go. And how she met my father, stories from her days as a nurse in the Wrens, that kind of thing.

It's the stories from when she was young that really give me a sense of the person she was.

I am so very sorry you are facing this and I am sure you have brought up strong, happy, caring children.
When I lost my daughter, her eldest son told me that he did not want everyone sitting and looking at his mummy in her casket. So my vicar suggested just very close family at the chapel in the morning and we stood around her in a circle holdings hands during the service.
In the afternoon we held a service of thanksgiving for her life in the church and anyone was welcome to join us. There were 300 people there. Her youngest son who was 8 would not go to the chapel but came to the afternoon service.
We found that Child Bereavement UK were very helpful. I did a 5 week course with my youngest grandson and his daddy and he has since had further counselling with them.

I hope this helps. Sending a big hug x

Could you write out your favourite family recipes or even do a real time cooking video to accompany the volumes?

Thank you for this thread@Memorymaker. I am very sorry for your prognosis. I need to do something similar but have been in denial. I have done the practical stuff but not the memory book.

Firstly , I'd just like to say how absolutely incredible you are . To be going through something so truly heartbreaking and yet being so thoughtful and doing things that will undoubtedly improve your children's lives.
I've lost my mum quite recently, obviously no two greiving processes are the same and I am an adult . I know that whatever you do / say/write / sing / record and laugh along to will be absolutely cherished beyond words.

I'm truly sorry you are having to go through this .

My cousin did leave wishes for funeral but also said “or whatever my mother would like or will make things easier or better at the time”. So if you have as an example said that C would do a reading but then C just can’t and D does that will be absolutely fine for C without feeling guilt about letting you down.

That's good. As I said I work for a director and even the stupid things like does the family walk in to the chapel after the casket or do they go in and wait. What do you do with the flowers, leave them or take them can be agonising for the family as they are often made on the spot. So the more you plan the better.

I love that idea. I think that's wonderful.

What about the future - what you want to say to them on their last day of school, their 21st birthday, get their first house, their wedding day, birth of their children.
Maybe advice you would give if they have a messy break up, lose their job

Honestly, you have given them their core sense of being loved and safe, and they will carry your love and nurturing inside them always. That I can assure you. 💐

Re the funeral, my mum picked the venue, the music and readings and who she wanted to speak about her life (and asked them to speak). I am not sure how much else she chose but my dad then poured his heart and soul into making it perfect for her.

I'm sorry you're facing this. My mum did a few different things but nothing like what you seem to be describing exactly. Memory boxes, a letter. What matters most to me about the letter isn't what it says, but that she wrote it for me.

There is no way she could ever have filled in all the gaps or answered everything I've wished I could talk to her about, but what brings me comfort is how much love she poured out for us by doing those things and trying to find ways to care for us after she died.

I would caution against writing letters for life stages as it can become a burden and be more painful as they won't reflect who they are by then and it can overshadow special days, especially if their life doesn't take the path you hope (e.g. don't get married and don't have children).

I would just focus on the here and now, putting the arrangements in place that matter to you, setting aside the things that you are able that are special, and most importantly being with them in the moments you have.

Please don't put pressure on yourself to achieve perfection. No matter how much time we have there will always be more we wanted to say and do. That's the nature of loss and endings, it doesn't mean that what you've done isn't precious.

Can I add something as someone who works for a funeral director, write down or tell your husband if you can what you want at your funeral. It will I assure you make things easier for your husband. I'm perfectly ok but I've done my wishes.

I've picked the music and I am going to write what I want said.

Your local funeral director will be more than happy to help I am sure