AIBU to ask my 17-year-old stepdaughter for earlier bedtime?

Not at all , not my step kids but my oldest are a autistic 23 year old and my 10 year old girl and I often ask them to leve me and dad alone , they have their bedrooms or a play room and it’s tv sofa etc they can go to . Adults need alone time and there is nil wrong with letting kids know that .

@Arlanymor we converted a garage into a playroom when they were toddlers to give them a playroom. This is now a second lounge. It feels like it has a weird vibe to say "playroom" for a teen. I didn't say one of the 9 bedrooms has been given over to the children. and no I don't have 9 bedrooms.

The point was that the lounge used to be the most important place in a house because it had the tv, the epitome of entertainment. We never had an extra tv when I was growing up, just the rented one in the lounge that my parents completely controlled.

Now most teens of 17 will have a smartphone plus usually a tablet or a laptop. These things are usually what they are glued to and complained about on here a lot. Considering they will be home from school usually by 4.30pm, being asked not to be in the lounge for an hour or so a few nights a week is not a punishment. They have a lot of entertainment at their fingertips, they are not being asked to face a blank wall for 2 hours.

Yes yabu. How does she know when you want to go to bed so she goes 30min earlier? Its her home too

Personally I would just go to bed a bit earlier to have a chat

The front room and kitchen are family rooms.

If you want alone time go to your bedroom or go out just the 2 of you.

You ban a 17yo from the front room after a certain time.

So in no way comparable to this situation where, as far as we know, there is one lounge - which was my point which you either missed by a country mile or just wanted an excuse to list your largesse. Let's give you the benefit of the doubt and say the former.

OP is she engaging with you when you’re all sitting in the same room?
I don’t have the same situation but I do understand wanting some down time when there won’t be any demands from a child (little or nearly adult). So I’ll spend time with DS 17, then at about 10pm tell him (in a light hearted way) that I’m going off duty, putting my headphones in and getting on with stuff. Obv he can do what he wants but I don’t see any harm in letting him know that I need some adult time to myself at the end of the day.

@Arlanymor their lounge had their tv, gaming computers, board games etc in it because in this house we wanted bedrooms to be a relaxing sleeping place, no tech. So either they are going to their bedrooms with books or they are in their own space with their tech.

But even if you are asking a child to not be in the lounge after a certain time a few nights a week it is hardly sending them down to the prison cells. There isn't just one tv in the house and this isn't the early 80s with 3 tv channels.

They have laptops and phones for music, contacting friends, watching streaming stuff. I am sure if the girl had a boyfriend they would not be sitting in the lounge with her parent and step parent all evening. It isn't unreasonable to have a conversation.

yes! It’s like they know it might be romantic time and of course that’s gross and must be stopped at all costs. Because parents only ever have see to conceive them and their siblings 😅

YABVU

I should add that my DD always gets suspicious if we are particularly trying “to get rid” of her and then goes to bed even later.

Dd1 is 18 and likes to hang out with us. If we want alone time we’ll go on a date (we don’t call it that but we’ll go for a meal or a country pub for a drink). She’ll be going to uni soon so it’s temporary and it’s important she feels welcome in her own home. Occasionally saying dad and I want to watch a film together is fine but not regularly.

You had a separate lounge! Totally different scenario!

YABU. if you and husband want alone time, you both go to your bedroom and have it there.

Like WHY? When my husband and I were younger we spent time in two house shares with other married/paired couples and we NEVER had to send the other couple to bed to have alone time! You go and have these private chats in your bedroom or another room! Sending a child to bed so you can talk to your husband is appropriate when they are 7 NOT 17.

We had a 9.30pm rule on several nights in this house so that Dh and I got the lounge to ourselves where we could watch tv that may not have been appropriate for young teens.

This was agreed in advance with the children. We always have a family dinner together where everyone chats then most of the time we watched a 30 minute tv show together.

They had their own lounge so it wasn't like we were telling them to go to bed just that on some weekday evenings we would like to just be us. They could also be in their rooms if they wanted.

Sometimes there were up later than us so we all said goodnight when we were heading to bed so that last one up knew to set the house alarm.

I don't think there is anything wrong with adults in a relationship to want time to themselves in their own house and they shouldn't have to slink off to their bedroom to do it.

Yes it's unreasonable. But I so wish it wasn't. My 18 year old is always in the same room as us. We can never get away from her. We have snatched conversations when we get the chance and it's draining.

I feel your pain but YABU, it's as much her living room as yours. But....

DH and I used to snuggle up together on the sofa to watch TV which soon had everyone scatter, maybe give that a go. DH also sometimes put fishing programme on the TV which also had the desired effect 😆.

Otherwise, just wait, they'll move out soon enough!

You need to go to bed earlier yourself.
Make sure you go out for an evening together regularly.
This is normal with teens.
They don't go to bed early.

Yes, it is unreasonable. If you’d like 30 mins alone, why can’t you go up to bed together 30 mins earlier and do your debrief there?

She's not a kid anymore. You can't give her a bed time.

Yes, this is unreasonable.

It's fine at that age to have rules about noise late at night. It's also ok to have a curfew or similar for teens in school. But no, it's not ok to send her to bed just so you can have private time in the main living areas.

Go have private time in your bedroom or in another out of the way area of the house. My DH and I will go sit on the patio or his study and chat quietly on nice nights and will politely let our teens know that we need to talk just the two of us, but we don't kick them out of the kitchen or shared living areas (and certainly don't banish them to their rooms).

I’m impressed your 17 yr old wants to be near you at all! It’s actually quite nice, she must be comfortable with you both. I wouldn’t say anything but carve out some time for an earlier bedtime and Just take a cup of tea to bed and catch up in your bedroom. Will only be a few years.

Why don’t you go to bed earlier and have some alone time with your DH in your bedroom?

Sounds like she wants to spend time with you both after a lot of disruption in her young life. Rather than 'ask' to send her to her bedroom, you could both go to yours?