AIBU to ask my 17-year-old stepdaughter for earlier bedtime?

Ha Ha - a 17 yo old doesn’t have a bedtime or an expectation to go up to bed at any given time.

It’s really common for teens that age to stay up later than their parents. I can hear mine getting ready for bed, in and out of the bathroom now, and I’m up in my room (attic) doing likewise.

If you and your H want alone time, you go up to bed yourselves.

What about going out for an evening walk and perhaps a quick drink a couple of times a week to have a catch-up? At 17, your DSD is old enough to babysit her sibling if they're younger - although I'm guessing that they're also a teenager so probably don't need babysitting at all.

DH and I do this, and DS (17) is quite happy to be home alone for an hour. When DD (20) was at home and DS was early teens, she was in charge. We just went for a walk and chatted, occasionally stopping for a beverage too :-).

I feel like the obvious solution is for you both to retreat to your bedroom earlier.

What do you need to talk about that a 17 year old can't hear ? I would never dream of asking our DD to go bed earlier ? She's 18 now and it wouldnt have crossed my mind.
She wants to be around you both and have company hence goes to bed when you do.

There was another thread very similar to this a while back and from memory there the consensus was that in a non-blended family this would not be the norm and parents would find space and time to talk without officially removing the teen. Maybe very occasionally - once or twice in all my childhood - my parents might have said they needed to discuss something important and asked us to go away, but every night is honestly horrible.

Im a bit jealous as mine stay in their room.
But I can see both sides. Bit suffocating to always have dc in the room.
Is she a bit anxious or not have many friends since moving in ft?

I suppose if you only have one screen downstairs and the kids are using it, it’s understandable to retreat to upstairs to watch something.

It just seems a bit odd that them being 14 and under they have no adult interaction for 5 hours each evening.

What used to be the pattern at this age in our house was that we went up to bed, because we were knackered, and left the teens downstairs! It’s a bit precious to expect your teens to vacate certain areas of their own home in order to give you ‘adult time’. All that self-indulgent stuff tends to go out of the window as soon as you have a baby, not to see the light of day until they move out. Let them be. You’ll miss them when they’re at uni!

@Tableforjoan Nothing romantic she thinks something has happened and we are not telling her e.g college called with a complaint

If adults need time alone then they can go to their own bedroom or go out - they don’t ban others from the communal rooms.

@Stepmumgreen do you have a dog? It’s great to go on long dog walks as a couple. We do this through the woods a couple of times a week and even though we invite the teenagers to join us they always say no and we’re secretly pleased. It’s so peaceful and has now become our ‘couple time’ to chat about anything we like uninterrupted.

Ofcourse, you don’t need a dog to do this but it helps keep to the routine of it as he needs walking daily anyway.

6ish. Not sure why that matters.
But they use game systems downstairs so we head up to watch something in our room or chat for alone time.
He heads down to send them to bed at 11 though most nights I'm sure they don't sleep then.

Would it be OK for her to send you to bed early, so she could have some quality time alone with her Dad?

Look at it a different way - they want to stay up with you so obviously they enjoy being with you. You won’t find many people that age wanting to do that.

It’s her home - debrief in your room.

I can imagine there’s a shedload of trauma surrounding the custody agreement falling through and even though I do see where you’re coming from, to a teenager you telling them to go to bed and leave you alone could present as another form of rejection.

You can’t send a virtual adult to bed…

Also with late teens, you and your Dh can go out for a coffee or a drive or a walk in the evenings. Or on a weekend. Then you catch up then.

My dc are younger teens and in the driving around to activities til 9pm phase of life. I honestly can’t tell you the last time Dh and I actually sat and had a prolonged conversation. 😂 It may have been when we last went out for a meal together, which was probably about 14 months ago!

What time do you have dinner?

11pm is very late for 14 and under. They must be exhausted at school.

she is possibly frightened of missing anything

I find that the only time my DD wants to sit downstairs rather than in her own room is when she’s having friends issues and needs our company. We never mention it as it may only last a week or two then she’s back to her room chatting to friends all evening.

Your SD may be lonely at the moment and needs your company. No don’t ask her to leave. Talk in your bedroom.

We do this too. Have 3 teens and they all get sent up at 9.30 so we can still sit and chat for an hour before bed. They don’t mind at all.

Just go up to bed half and hour earlier and talk in bed.

We use our bedroom for that.
My step kids used to go to bed at 3am I did have to stop that as it disrupts the house and keeps others awake. So now they go to bed at 11 which I still think is too late for kids 14 and under but at their other house there is zero rules so I'm lucky to have anything enforced really.

I retreat to my bedroom with my partner after dinner for privacy.

You're just rattling on about wealth now - not sure why you are quoting me. You're derailing the thread and coming across as boastful into the mix. Either help with the issue or save the showing off for another thread where you can all rub one another's bellies. This whole 'blank wall' stuff is very, very telling of you.

I think you are reasonable

This is why discipline and common sense is out of the window with approaches mentioned above to pander to kids these days

What you want isn’t abusive or harmful so just proceed with it

You get your alone time in a private area, you know, your bedroom, not in the common areas of the home.

Very unreasonable. 🙄