AIBU to ask my 17-year-old stepdaughter for earlier bedtime?

What "debriefing" are you doing for 30 minutes every day, that is inappropriate for a teen to listen in to?

I think it's unusual for a 17 year old to want to spend every minute of her spare time in the family lounge. However this is a 17 year old whose gone through a lot of family turbulence. It seems to me that she just wants the reassurance of being round other and included. Chances are that once she gets more settled she will soon be spending more time doing her own thing (and, incidentally, does she not have study to do or friends to see?) Fine if you need to have a private conversation without her very occasionally. But not fine to insist she must go to bed early every day.

Yeah. They were devastated.

Poor kids.

If you want more alone time, go for a walk together after dinner. Assuming you are in the UK, now’s the perfect time of year for that.
Or as others suggest, adjust your own schedule. Go to bed earlier ; chat over the cooking etc.

Please just take this as a good sign; your step daughter feels comfortable with you and after whatever went wrong with her own mum, she wants some comfort from a ‘normal’ family interaction.

I was wondering this @Nofeckingway

chat together

or if she goes up when you do. To go up 30mins earlier and debrief on the bed

Ermmm.

Just go to bed 30 minutes earlier?

Could you go out for a walk or similar?
I do actually sympathise with the need for space but that has to be balanced against her needs.

Does she have hobbies or clubs?

If you want to chat to DH why don't you both go into the dining room/kitchen for a cuppa or glass of wine?

I see it as the lounge is for Family and if someone wants a bit of private time they need to be somewhere else.

Yeah this is a YABU. Shared spaces in the house are shared, have your private conversations in your bedroom. My DD is 15 and I can't fathom ever telling her that DH and I would like some alone time so she must make herself scarce. We go out alone often, and find plenty of time and space for private conversations without having to tell our DD to sod off and leave us alone, which is basically what you'd be doing. It would be really selfish, hurtful and unkind, and just... not what families do.

I really need to know what these debriefs look like. I don't think we are doing marriage quite right as we don't need these private conversations each day. DD is 19 now but for years we have all chatted together about our days and we value her perspective on things and we like hearing her daily news. It is incredibly rare that one of us will have something that we cannot talk about in front of her.

I used to get annoyed when my own teenagers were in the same room as me.

I'm always in bed before my 17 year old. They are pretty nocturnal at that age.
Saying that mine is often out in the evenings, does she not have friends? a social life, go to the gym/hobbies?

I don't think you are unreasonable to want some private time downstairs, but it is up to your OH to ask. I would also arrange some after work drinks or date nights. The 17 year old is old enough to babysit.

I think is she was biologically yours, people wouldn't have an issue with it

Yes, unfortunately you are being unreasonable. She’s 17 and you are sharing a home. My 13 and 15 year olds are off to bed at the same time as us now so you will need to find your adult time elsewhere.

Yes YABU. She’s 17 and you can’t dictate a bedtime and you raising the issue would make her feel uncomfortable and unwanted in her own home.

if you want to be alone go up to your room or go out on a date.

Wow, poor kid 😔

@Stepmumgreen how is your DSD when she is with you on an evening? Is she chatting, engaged, part of the family, or is she sullen and on her phone ignoring everyone?

I'm not actually sure why I'm asking because my answer is the same either way. You can't send her to her room if her only fault is you want time alone with your DH.You need to find space for that.

If she is being pleasant and engaged then try and enjoy her company. If she is being sullen then maybe there is a space for you to explore if she wants to be with you or just not in her room. You could find a different space in the house for you and DH but not if her aim is to be a family with you and you are literally blanking her and moving to another room.

I have read threads tonight about teenage children who a violent and destructive. Your DSD sounds like she just wants to be treated like an adult in the family rather than a child.

Maybe go to bed 15 minutes earlier? Do you really need 30 minutes to talk to your DH EVERY night??? 😄

I'm intrigued to know what kind of things do you need to talk about on a regular basis that is so private . She is part of your family and I can't imagine telling my DS or my DD in their late teens to get lost so we can be alone .

Anything that important you can talk about it when you are by yourselves like on your bedroom . Or you can out for a drink or a walk, etc. I personally don't know any family that asks their DCs to vacate a room in order to discuss anything . Is it because it's your DSD that you don't want to include her .

I find this to be a strange suggestion. To me, it says a lot about whose home you consider it to be. Debrief with your husband in the privacy of your bedroom?

If my husband and I want time alone, we go to our bedroom. I can’t imagine telling our 17 yo that she can’t have free access to the common spaces in our home.

It sounds really odd to me, when people suggest asking teenagers to leave the room so you can have some alone time! That’s what bedrooms are for. How would you feel if you were at your parents’ house, thinking you were having a nice time, and they suddenly announced that they wanted you to leave, as they’d had enough of you for now? That’s not how most families, or indeed adult interactions, work!

Take turns sitting in the living room?

Fucking hell 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I’m grateful my family weren’t as batshit as this.

It is!!

Found this hard as a parent, must be a million times harder as a step parent. But it’s U to restrict older teens in this way, better to find creative ways to get time alone.

You can't ask a 17 Yr old to go to bed ! I'd been working for 2 years and was engaged . It was the 60s so things have changed I guess . I'd just retreat to your bedroom for alone time .