AIBU to ask my 17-year-old stepdaughter for earlier bedtime?

You have options if you want the opportunity to chat privately
Go out for a walk
go sit in the garden
go out for a coffee or to the pub
go to your bedroom

But it's her home too, She's either chosen or been dumped with a situation where her mum isn't there for her. It would be pretty awful for her emotionally if her dad and you make her feel uncomfortable, unwelcome and unwanted in her home

So if she was say… 25 and still living with you would you expect her to go to bed 30 mins before you??? You are being unreasonable. Why don’t you go earlier and talk to your husband in bed.. ?

If your bedroom is big enough, I would set it up so that there is space for you to sit comfortably and chat there.

I'm wondering how nice the 17 yo's bedroom is, that she doesn't seem to want to spend much time there.

I think she's afraid of missing out on #whatever if she goes to her room before you do? And put extremely : she might feel excluded if you ask her to leave you and her father alone for 30 minutes in the livingroom. I don't know, maybe just explain to her whý you would like for her to retreat to her room a bit earlier?

A bit odd a 17 year old wants to hang out with you. Normally cant get a 17 year old out of their bedroom.
Have your conversation another place or time or in front of her. Dont ask her to go to bed cos you want a chat. Thats very weird.

Check your bedroom soundproofing - there's a possibility she's heard you doing sexual stuff and is keeping you up so you'll be too tired for it so she doesn't have to listen to it again.

But no, you can't send her to bed, unless there's something in your settling the house down for the night routine she can't do or gets wrong like leaving a hob on or an external door unlocked. If she was keeping you awake it'd be reasonable to require her to be quiet enough that others can sleep.

Go to bed earlier yourselves into a nicely soundproofed room so you can talk privately.

You are insane to only want 30 minutes. It's your house. She's a child. When she moves out (next year?) she can stay up all she likes. 9pm she should be in her own room; can she watch TV in her own room? Of course she can; like she doesn't have a laptop, at least! You need TIME for yourself. I'm very alarmed and worried that you are in this situation. NO WAY would I let my DCs be in the living room still after 9pm. That's MY/OUR time.

Yes, you can’t do this.

YABVU. You should retire to your bedroom if you want a child-free debrief.
She’s 17, it’s her home, she should be allowed to be in her home space as late as she wants.

I suggest putting a TV in your bedroom and going to bed when you want to be alone. Put the TV on, close your door and have your private discussions. 17 is too old for a bed time.

Go for an evening walk or do the dishes together. Presumably the 17yo goes out occasionally. Its her home too.

Very odd. Family life is such. Teenagers stay up. And no you cannot ask them to go to bed at a predetermined time.
Did your parents do that with you I wonder ?

I never did it that with my own kids, neither did my parents. But by 17/18 they/I wanted to spend either in own room or was out. I know you feel a bit squeezed, but it won't last forever. If its something really important, just say "can you give us some time dd?" And it is good that she wants to spend time with you.

@Laura95167 That might be it. Presumably something major happened two years ago that led to them living full-time with their Dad (although they may still visit their Mum), she may have been very unsettled by this.

I wonder if its because her mum has gone from having her 50% of the time to her dad having her all the time.

Might have left her feeling needy

Its her home.

Its a communal room.

She is too old for a bed time

She clearly likes being around you. Perhaps because the previous relationship with her mum has become more infrequent.

Debrief in your bedroom

I was thinking this!

we have our own kids (ie not step kids) and our room is private space!
Would the OP feel the same /enforce this rule if it were her own kids?

Personally I think with teens it's not unreasonable to propose some kind of agreement that provides a degree of balance between family time and parents/DC having time to themselves without it having to be in their bedrooms every time. It's reasonable for the adults to sometimes use their bedroom for together time, but the tone across much of this thread seems to suggest that teens should never be asked to facilitate alone time for the parents, and to me that feels excessive.

I do agree it shouldn't be framed as 'bedtime' for someone in their late teens, but I'm quite surprised OP's daughter isn't wanting to spend some time in her room of her own volition tbh, if only to be able to watch/listen to her own stuff. I don't think it's so egregious for family members (teens included) to occasionally tell other family members they'd like the living room to themselves for one evening.

There's no logical reason why a 17 year old should be in bed before you, sorry. If you want some time alone with your husband then maybe you should be the ones who go to bed early! or go out to the pub or a walk or sit in the garden...

It makes a change for a teen to actually want to spend their evenings downstairs, with their parents. Take it as a compliment. Most teens head straight to their rooms after dinner, not to be seen till the next morning!

What’s to talk about in your confidential daily debrief? Why can’t you chat in the privacy of your bedroom if needed?

Thats what I thought. Or go out one evening?

Sounds like she wants / likes being with you? I agree with PPs, if you need your space then go up to bed earlier. At 17 I was out with my mates getting up to no good. Maybe she doesn’t have that circle and you are that safety net for her - I would firstly take that as a compliment and secondly I would be glad she’s not on a park bench somewhere downing (what used to be) £5 wine.

Yes it's unreasonable. But I so wish it wasn't. My 18 year old is always in the same room as us. We can never get away from her. We have snatched conversations when we get the chance and it's draining.

This. It is indeed unreasonable to ask a 17yr old to go to bed.

But I totally understand the dynamic here, and I can't think many people honestly enjoy other people's children/young adults (yet we all pretend this should happen) and I can understand why the OP feels the way she does.

YABU I'm afraid. She's more or less an adult and this is her home.

How would you feel if your husband said to you that you needed to go and sit in your room for 30 minutes at a certain time so he could have one-on-one time with his daughter?

You can "debrief" in your bedroom, or you can organise to go out without her for a few hours, but considering you only have her half the time it shouldn't be that much effort to spend time with her when she is with you.

So is your stepdaughter sitting downstairs with you all evening? I think it's pretty unusual for a 17-year-old to want to do that - most teenagers spend a lot of their time in their own room. Doesn't she have, eg, a TV or a laptop in her room?

However, no, you can't enforce a bedtime for a 17-year-old in her own home just so that you and your husband can have a chat. You can do that in your own bedroom when you go to bed.