AIBU to ask my 17-year-old stepdaughter for earlier bedtime?

It’s nice that your SDD wants to spend time with you. I can’t imagine trying to enforce a bedtime on a young adult.

My 17 yr old DS has his own room downstairs where he plays music etc. and he never spends time with us in the evenings.

I usually go to bed around 11pm, his dad goes up about 12 and DS usually goes up by 1am.

17-year-olds are not done growing and they also need to be alert to learn at school. Ideally they should be in bed with the lights out by ten. I don't see why you can't enforce a bedtime for someone who is still a child at school.

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Give her a TV in her bedroom!

LOL, I have no idea what to do then...my 12 years old always opens her ears wide when I am talking to her father, even in the kitchen for completely ordinary things. If she know we schedule time for private chats, she would be behind the door, listening

Whaaaat who is on this site?? It's totally reasonable for everyone in the house to need privacy. I'd be wanting a lot more than 30 minutes. Respectfully, while it is her home, it isn't her house and the parents/owners set the rules. She will be 18 soon and that's a normal age to be moving out (uni, work etc) so it's not like she's a 'child' - she should understand if you speak to her and let her know you'd like some privacy. I'd be asking for at least an hour before I went to bed. Most teens prefer to be in their rooms! I imagine you all spend time together as a family, so this is just about privacy.

Or in the car - that’s what my late DH and I did when ours were teens.
If you marry someone who already has DC’s, you need to accept it. You cannot send them to their rooms, it’s their home too.

Exactly this

Go for a walk?

My Mum and Dad always seemed happy to have me and db around, we had a bedtime when young obviously, and at 17 they would send me off to bed by 11 on a school night as I had A levels, but in the holidays I would be up late with my Dad as we were both night owls.
I’ve also never asked my teens to go to bed unless it’s a school night. My youngest is 19 now and she will go off to her room if she’s chatting to a friend, but otherwise she is with us, and my older one is at university but when home she is with us too. DH and I chat in bed but more often if we are in the car together. If we need to talk about one of the dc that is when we do it.
This is just family life. I like having my daughters around all the time, they are both great company and I’m aware that all too soon they will have left home.
If I want quiet time alone to read I just creep off to another room.

YANBU! Totally not.
it should not be seen as a bedtime, just time to rest, read and get ready to sleep.
100% reasonable to ask a 17 year old to go to her room by 10pm.
My goodness, parents should have some rights in their own house.

Whether she is a step child or not, makes no difference.

Dh and I have the lounge to ourselves from 9ish most nights - unofficial but the kids are used to it. My dd 14 sometimes try to come and sit with us and we say it’s our time so she can’t. We do spend plenty of time together so I think it’s fair. and of course
she is off to bed soon anyway on a school night.

however, I think your situation is harder due to her age, step parent set up and you have no ground rules in place. I dont think I’d feel right asking her to leave at x o’clock and it might put her off sitting with you at all. instead I’d probably just go up to bed earlier, or find a time earlier in the evening to catch up. You’re not wrong to try to carve out a bit of time every day together.

She doesn't have to go to her room but she also doesn't need to be in the same room as you.

If you're having a cuppa in the kitchen together send her to watch tv in the sitting room. If you want to chat together in the sitting room but she wants to watch tv, get a second set for the kitchen.

Where do these entitled teens come from? Im only 41 but we were often expected to leave our parents in peace of an evening when I was that age, everyone I know had a second tv in another downstairs room and teens were dispatched off from time to time to allow adults some privacy to talk.

This is completely normal as regards bed time at her age.

A 17 year old doesn’t get a bedtime from their parents. Have your debrief jn your room

Of course that's unreasonable, it's her home too. If you want alone time, use your bedroom instead of the living room which is a shared space for everyone to enjoy.

She practically an adult, you can’t tell her to go to bed. If you and your husband want privacy go to your own room earlier.

At 15, I'll just say "I'm off to bed, night" and tell them what I've done or what needs doing.

I'll only enforce a bed time when I know they're up early for something, and it'll be a strong suggestion.

I'm in my 60s and I think if my parents had asked us to leave the room it would have been something serious happening. Can't ever remember it happening. We didn't hang out in our rooms either as the only TV was in living room.

Yabu. It’s her home. You can debrief in your bedroom if you can’t do it in her presence.

So weird. Isn’t that what her bedtime is for. This is why blended families suck more often than not. If you were her mum it’s unlikely you’d be pushing her to go bed early.

Trust me you only have a couple of years until she decides it’s not cool to hang out with toy anymore - hopefully her dad is appreciating it while he can!

Gosh, I only had one and I wish I had had that problem - she was always out or at home in her room chatting to friends. We were too dull to spend the evening with, there were always many better things for her to do with her time after supper!

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Can't she disappear to her room for hours like every other teenager lol? Seriously though, it's not too much to ask that you have a bit of time together

Yes as others have suggested - this wouldn’t happen if you were both biological parents with a 17 year old, so shouldn’t as step parents. I’d just go to bed earlier/ watch tv on laptop if needed if you don’t want company

You and your husband could easily have time together by going to bed earlier yourselves.