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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask my 17-year-old stepdaughter for earlier bedtime?

187 replies

Stepmumgreen · 21/05/2026 20:26

I am a step-mum to two girls who moved in with my husband and me full-time 2 years ago after a 50/50 custody arrangement with their biological mother fell through. On the whole things have been fine as its no different to the 50/50 arrangement in that they have all their belongings here and their own individual bedrooms. I let my husband take the lead on discipline as I do not feel that is my place, but the only flaw is the bedtime arrangement
The eldest is 17 so I understand "bedtime" doesn't have to be enforced as such, but my husband and I get no alone tme whatsoever. She will stay up until we go to bed and then immediately retreat to bed herself when we do. Is it unreasonable for us to ask her to go to bed 30 minutes before we do purely for our own space so that we can catch up and reflect on our day without a teen listening in? We are not asking for them both to disappear for an extended time, just a 30 minute window at the end of the day to debrief.

OP posts:
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RedSoloCup · 10/09/2026 22:18

I wouldn’t even ask my younges, 15 to go to bed, they need to decide I think.
I do get the lack of space though as I struggle with this.

dontmalbeconme · 16/06/2026 21:51

PeoplesNet · 16/06/2026 20:07

Yeah, that's a bit early! But 9pm is bed time anyway (for people who have healthy sleeping patterns!) so not sure why people are acting like sending kids to their rooms at 9pm is like sending them to the gallows.

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Isn't 7-9 hrs sleep normal and healthy? So 9PM bedtime only works if you're getting up between 4 and 6AM.

JumpingPumpkin · 16/06/2026 21:15

Agree with most replies here - it's an awkward phase with late teenage children that the parents lose quiet time before bed, it's just the way it is though. They'll likely move out in a couple of years so not a big deal.

PeoplesNet · 16/06/2026 20:07

Whyarentyoureadyyet · 25/05/2026 11:55

My step kids mum makes her (teenage ) kids to their rooms and stay in their rooms from 7 pm every evening! It's so bizarre

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Yeah, that's a bit early! But 9pm is bed time anyway (for people who have healthy sleeping patterns!) so not sure why people are acting like sending kids to their rooms at 9pm is like sending them to the gallows.

Cheese55 · 25/05/2026 12:17

Quitelikeit · 21/05/2026 21:59

I think you are reasonable

This is why discipline and common sense is out of the window with approaches mentioned above to pander to kids these days

What you want isn’t abusive or harmful so just proceed with it

Things can be wrong without being abusive. How is she going to feel being told to go away,?
She'll move out as soon as she can, because she'll feel you don't want her around and you'll never see her again.

Whyarentyoureadyyet · 25/05/2026 11:55

pinkspeakers · 25/05/2026 10:13

Are you serious? Your 17 year old DCs are never allowed in the living room of their own home after 9pm? They should be restricted to their own rooms? You are "alarmed and worried" that someone is in this "situation".

Great way to establish an open, mature relationship with your growing DCs.

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My step kids mum makes her (teenage ) kids to their rooms and stay in their rooms from 7 pm every evening! It's so bizarre

pinkspeakers · 25/05/2026 10:13

NDFB · 23/05/2026 18:37

You are insane to only want 30 minutes. It's your house. She's a child. When she moves out (next year?) she can stay up all she likes. 9pm she should be in her own room; can she watch TV in her own room? Of course she can; like she doesn't have a laptop, at least! You need TIME for yourself. I'm very alarmed and worried that you are in this situation. NO WAY would I let my DCs be in the living room still after 9pm. That's MY/OUR time.

Are you serious? Your 17 year old DCs are never allowed in the living room of their own home after 9pm? They should be restricted to their own rooms? You are "alarmed and worried" that someone is in this "situation".

Great way to establish an open, mature relationship with your growing DCs.

Brokentoes85 · 25/05/2026 02:06

socks1107 · 24/05/2026 09:03

My dh and I have a walk every evening to have out chat as we have adult DDs living with us

That's adorable

Brokentoes85 · 25/05/2026 02:02

Lol she's nearly an adult. Adults don't have "bedtimes" where do you draw the line, are you going to be asking a 21 year old to get ready for bed? If you want alone time, go to bed yourself.

Nattyz1256 · 25/05/2026 00:51

Poor children. To be dragged intentionally into this mess and situation, and all the things they're dealing with...

BruFord · 24/05/2026 21:42

socks1107 · 24/05/2026 09:03

My dh and I have a walk every evening to have out chat as we have adult DDs living with us

@socks1107 Yes, it's part of our daily routine too, good exercise and a chance to catch up.

garlicbreadisthefuture · 24/05/2026 19:58

Do some people on this thread think that parents must defer to their children (adult or otherwise) and put themselves second in every aspect of life, for the rest of their lives, then? Sounds a bit like it to me.

socks1107 · 24/05/2026 09:03

My dh and I have a walk every evening to have out chat as we have adult DDs living with us

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/05/2026 08:57

Another one time poster

Stoicandhappy · 23/05/2026 23:36

YABU

Lounge is communal family space. Go to your bedroom for privacy

EmeraldShamrock000 · 23/05/2026 23:33

That’s life with a 17 year old. She should spend time in her room occasionally too. Mine is like a ghost, she appears, she spends a lot of time in her bedroom but she never sleeps, we live in a small terrace so sex life can be impacted.

Aleiha · 23/05/2026 23:28

You’re being unreasonable. Teens stay up much later than middle aged parents. Talk in your bedroom.

usernamemustnotcontainspecialcharacters · 23/05/2026 23:24

Put a tv in her room x

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 23/05/2026 22:44

OP?

Slugtamer · 23/05/2026 22:11

I think blended families are different and it’s fine to acknowledge that, and make sure you have couple alone time, people on here are unreasonable to think that you should prioritize kids over your relationship 100% of the time, it’s not healthy. If you don’t resentment will build with all family members.

Damnedidont · 23/05/2026 21:56

Damn wrong site!

Damnedidont · 23/05/2026 21:55

posted in wrong place by mistake

Freakyfriday777 · 23/05/2026 21:43

Currently sat sharing a slush with my 11 yo stepson so I can’t give any advice 🤣🤣 our ds and dd are in bed fast asleep as they are little. I think it’s quite sweet he still would rather be with us than stuck up in his room. It won’t be forever!

ThisWittyDeer · 23/05/2026 21:07

I do not think you are being unreasonable. You and your partner need to talk about this, come to an agreement or compromise. Take it to her as united front (unless the family doesn't already have that dynamic.) Give her power, let her have her say and all three of you come to an agreement or compromise together. You should all go to bed at a reasonable hour and get a reasonable amount of space. All whilst taking the household into consideration.

Your daughter deserves openness and honesty. Even if it does take her back a little to begin with, at 17 years old she should have a good understanding. She will see healthy relationships and attitudes, good communication, boundaries and compromise, (amongst other things) this will show her how healthy relationships and life work- Partner, child, colleague, whatever.

Nobody is doing anything wrong. You and your partner have set the rules, expectations and norms of the household, if they don't work for you all something needs to change.

Dishonest harmony is toxic and living in a way that's uncomfortable is going to end up in resentment one way or the other.

Viviennemary · 23/05/2026 21:06

I think adults need the lounge to themselves sometimes. I dont think it's unreasonable to say she needs to go to her room at say 10.30. She doesn't need to go to bed.