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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do I tell her about the affair?

134 replies

doitell8 · 19/05/2026 21:06

I’m going to put into a list as it’s going to be a very lengthy post otherwise.

DH and I own a business

Our business works closely with another business providing them with our services, we go to to corporate parties but also more intimate parties such as big wedding anniversary, special birthday etc

Other business run by another couple and their 4 sons work there as directors

One of the son’s has been married 21 years and they have 2 primary and secondary aged children, his wife is lovely and I’ve known her 8 years now, very sweet and mild mannered.

Said son has been sleeping with a girl who works for his parents for 2 years, it is widely known as they’ve been caught at work 3 times.

People who work for his parents won’t say anything due to fear of being sacked.

His parents turn a blind eye to it which makes me sick, if this was my son (god forbid!) I’d be telling him that he tells her or I tell her. They let his wife sit blissfully unaware at dinner parties with other woman and husband, parties, even popping in to the work place where he has had sex with her.

I found out about it 3 months ago via DH, both of us think it’s disgusting anyway but especially as a family business where his Mum & Dad know yet do nothing to step in and protect their daughter in law and grandchildren. I have said that I am not attending any more parties etc and have the gift of using my baby as an out of going but DH goes because it brings business in.

For 3 months this has played on my mind, it’s none of my business but I feel sick for her and I keep toying with the idea of telling her regardless of the damage it does to our business. I also don’t want to be the one to break a family up and break their children’s hearts but I’m screaming out inside that she needs to leave his disgusting self. Then I’m worried she may actually know and then I’m seen as a trouble maker!

WWYD?

YABU - Do not tell
YANBU - Do tell her

Regular user but name changed.

OP posts:
doitell8 · 19/05/2026 22:48

tellmesomethingtrue · 19/05/2026 22:24

He’s sleeping with a girl?!?! A child…?
or do you mean, a woman?

I wasn’t calling her a “girl” in a derogatory way, it’s obviously not a child 🙄

OP posts:
Thiswasanescapeplan · 19/05/2026 22:47

Posted as you posted your reply up thread op sorry

Thiswasanescapeplan · 19/05/2026 22:46

Usually I'd say tell her. With your business in the mix I feel hesitant. There's so many variables, what if she knows and wants to turn a blind eye, what if she stays but your business suffers etc etc

doitell8 · 19/05/2026 22:43

Our business would 100% survive without them not that it’s good to lose any kind of business but I’m just having a real problem of knowing and not doing anything about it, I wish DH hadn’t of told me.

I don’t think I’d want to do it anonymously, if that were me I’d be wondering constantly who it was who told me - I’m just trying to look at it from how I would feel.

Maybe some of you are right and she already knows.

I’m not trying to be a busybody, I’m a 35 year old Mum of 2 that lives a really uncomplicated life, luckily. I hate drama and gossip but this IS playing on my mind. I guess I feel strongly about infidelity.

Thank you for all of your opinions, I definitely need to think about it and talk to DH.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 19/05/2026 22:43

I think she knows. For him to be so open about it and so many people being aware she must know, or she doesn't but he knows she wouldn't leave him anyway. In which case, you have nothing to gain by telling her. She may feel humiliated and embarrassed, you and you're family are likely to lose business and he just carries on having his cake and eating it.

Hankunamatata · 19/05/2026 22:39

Id send an anonymous letter

Sensiblesal · 19/05/2026 22:38

Can your business survive not working with them.

you might not be an employee & sacked but you can be sure you won’t work with them again.

plus it’s none of your business, I’d say nothing

W0tnow · 19/05/2026 22:27

tellmesomethingtrue · 19/05/2026 22:24

He’s sleeping with a girl?!?! A child…?
or do you mean, a woman?

Guess.

tellmesomethingtrue · 19/05/2026 22:24

He’s sleeping with a girl?!?! A child…?
or do you mean, a woman?

ohyesido · 19/05/2026 22:17

Do not get involved, none of them will thank you for it least of all her.

somanychristmaslights · 19/05/2026 22:15

I would do it anonymously. This could have a huge impact on your and your business. That should be the most important thing.

MxCactus · 19/05/2026 22:04

Is there a way to tell her anonymously OP?

NattyRedFinch · 19/05/2026 22:00

It’s quite possible that she wouldn’t believe you. But you could still end up blowing up your own business and your marriage. So it would all be pointless.

Laura95167 · 19/05/2026 21:50

Do I think hes a pig? Yes

Do I think its right for you to interfere? No

You dont know she doesnt know. She might turn a blind eye or they might have an arrangement or he might be betraying her. But I defo would expect this to he a shoot the messenger situation. No one would thank you for your pot stirring, even if youre right

This is business. Theyre only your acquaintances through your business. So mind yours.

RemoteControlledChaos · 19/05/2026 21:46

Sounds high-risk to me OP

InterIgnis · 19/05/2026 21:42

What of the damage it could potentially do to your business, and to your own family as a result? It’s easy to say you don’t care about the damage it causes, but having the actually face that is a different thing entirely. You could easily be blowing up your own marriage here. What happens if she doesn’t believe you? And you’re the one left in proverbial ruins while they carry on unscathed?

I would stay the fuck out of it.

ImInTheCooler · 19/05/2026 21:33

from someone who has been in her shoes, please tell her. What does it change if she already knows? If she always knows and she's stayed with him, someone else telling her won't matter.

please please tell her and ignore all of these enabling idiots on here that can only go through life mustering a thought about themselves and no one else. You're a good person OP. Tell her.

Greenfinch7 · 19/05/2026 21:29

doitell8 · 19/05/2026 21:26

I meant her being a nice person, friendly, warm, kind and her husband, mother and father in law and every one that knows is so awful. I would feel so embarassed and like I’d been made a fool out of if it happened to me. She is not a fool, but I know I’d feel like one.

Yes- I agree and I would feel that way too. I understood what you meant, and didn't think you thought she was foolish!

I just think that we need to push back against the idea that women in this situation are somehow being made to look stupid, when actually it is their husbands who look pathetic and stupid

Scottishbychoice · 19/05/2026 21:27

Well I think you should tell her.

Absolutely disgusting that she is being made a fool of and everybody knows but her. Her H having sex in the office with an employee is downright sordid.

doitell8 · 19/05/2026 21:26

Greenfinch7 · 19/05/2026 21:22

I agree it is an awful situation, and people feel very humiliated not to be aware of what is happening in their own lives. I don't agree with seeing this as her being made a fool of; I don't think other people abusing and deceiving you makes you into a fool.

Edited

I meant her being a nice person, friendly, warm, kind and her husband, mother and father in law and every one that knows is so awful. I would feel so embarassed and like I’d been made a fool out of if it happened to me. She is not a fool, but I know I’d feel like one.

OP posts:
Greenfinch7 · 19/05/2026 21:22

doitell8 · 19/05/2026 21:18

I don’t care about their relationship, I care about her and the fact she’s being made a fool out of, everyone but her knowing whilst she beams and chats away and speaks so fondly of her mother and father in law who clearly don’t give a shit about her.

I agree it is an awful situation, and people feel very humiliated not to be aware of what is happening in their own lives. I don't agree with seeing this as her being made a fool of; I don't think other people abusing and deceiving you makes you into a fool.

doitell8 · 19/05/2026 21:19

Babybirdmum · 19/05/2026 21:17

Is there a way of letting her know anonymously? Like from a fake social media account or an anonymous letter if you know her address or phone number. You could give details so it’s more believable but she may choose not to believe it anyway.
but before you do that how do you even know all of this is 100% true? Who told you it’s been happening? Could they have a reason to be lying?

I 100% know it’s true, without being too open, DH is very good friends with an employee there (known them longer than the 11 years he’s worked for their company).

OP posts:
SallyAnnDrivesACar · 19/05/2026 21:19

OP this is a difficult decision. Fuck the other saying 'none of you business'. If you don't tell her, who will? Everybody knowing except her. If I was her, I'd want to know... and sod goes wrongly or rightly.

doitell8 · 19/05/2026 21:18

Comedycook · 19/05/2026 21:17

Oh come on. There's women and men everywhere being cheated on....it will always happen. It must be exhausting to care so much about other people's relationships. I can barely muster up the energy to care if my own DH is cheating on me...let alone some random couple.

I don’t care about their relationship, I care about her and the fact she’s being made a fool out of, everyone but her knowing whilst she beams and chats away and speaks so fondly of her mother and father in law who clearly don’t give a shit about her.

OP posts:
Babybirdmum · 19/05/2026 21:17

Is there a way of letting her know anonymously? Like from a fake social media account or an anonymous letter if you know her address or phone number. You could give details so it’s more believable but she may choose not to believe it anyway.
but before you do that how do you even know all of this is 100% true? Who told you it’s been happening? Could they have a reason to be lying?