To wonder why people sometimes ghost good friends who did nothing wrong?

I have done this with two people recently. One got really weird with me when I got with DP and wouldn’t stop pestering me to ring them, would send me like 10, 6 minute voice notes that I didn’t have time to listen to, was the only person I know who doesn’t like DP for zero reason. He’d met DP twice. All of my other friends love him. I kept saying to him I don’t have time with work, gym, trying to do all my housework, I don’t want to be on 2 hour calls. So I stopped talking to him. I told him to leave me alone. He reached out two days ago asking if we can talk (it’s been months!!!) and I ignored.

the other one kept asking me to go for drinks with him. I said no I’ve stopped drinking. Then kept pestering me to go see him and I said no, I’m at home with DP, training, working. I don’t want to be going out for drinks let alone with single men, who I wasn’t even close with in the first place. So I asked him to leave me alone too.

both of these “friends” have previously asked me on dates in the past and I said no, we’re friends!!! I don’t want to date you!! Then got with DP and they kept pestering me so I cut them both off. I wanted to be mates, they wanted more. Sorry, no. Disrespectful to DP to keep talking to these men so I, admittedly quite coldly, cut them off. It was definitely painful for both of them but I distanced myself when I got with DP and was trying to be nice still replying to them. I decided I can’t keep up to that. I don’t feel bad. They may feel like they did nothing wrong but when I keep saying no and they don’t listen, that’s what they did wrong. When they disrespect the man I live with by being weird with him just because they like me more than a mate, that’s what they did wrong.

In my experience, they think they haven't done 'anything wrong' but they have. It's just their point of view.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever ghosted anyone - not responded to their calls or texts and just vanished - but I have let many friendships drift. I’ve not been the one to text or call or tried to arrange meet ups and so if they haven’t either the friendship fades; or maybe if they have asked about meeting up I’ll put them off and then never get back with the alternative dates I said I would. And then things fade. And it’s happened to me too: some friends don’t exactly vanish, but they drift away.

Rarely, if ever, has it been because of anything they have overtly done. It’s just been life. Moving in different life directions, sometimes areas too; meet ups when you realise you have less and less to say.

I find that long term friendships tend to be few but those that do form are often very strong. Others tend to come from a moment in life - school, university, work, a shared interest - and might be really strong in the moment, wonderful fun, great support, but when that thing that was shared is taken away then the relationship loses what was fundamental to it.

Really, it’s just life, isn’t it? It changes and so do our priorities and the people we need around us.

It’s often rather sad when I think back on great friendships that have faded. But really, apart from reminiscing, I’m not sure we’d have much to say anymore.

And too, sometimes life things happen and we don’t mean to stop a friendship, it’s just that we don’t have time or ability to maintain ig through whatever is going on at the time. I’ve certainly had friendships that didn’t survive the gap, but I’ve also a couple of rather wonderful friendships that stop and start. Both of us busy and distracted. Then, maybe a year goes by and we come out of our shells and meet or talk and it’s wonderful. Then we vanish for a while. But something is there that doesn’t quite let us let go entirely. Partly, I suspect, it’s that we both understand and it’s ok.

To answer one of your questions, yes, I do feel bad for cutting her off. I reacted extremely poorly under the circumstances, it wouldn’t be fair to apologise, I don’t know if she’d accept the apology or want to be friends again. I don’t want her to Friends, if it happened again.

Reasons I’m aware of it happening where the ghosted is probably unaware of any reason:-

• sharing content on SM that has really put the friend off
• being draining over a very long period without respite so the ghosted feels guilty because Laura “is a nice person” but increasingly dreads spending time with them because it’s a 3 hour misery dump
• mismatched expectations; the friend pushing for more intimacy and contact than the ghoster wants and not taking hints. See also taking the hump because you’ve done something with other friends.

I could give many reasons about the situation I was in blah blah, but these words from @ghostlyghost describe it perfectly…and that I didn't value it enough to bother.

It’s extremely painful when you are on the side of “why has my friend suddenly stopped talking to me / disinterested in my life / not making effort with me anymore”

I have been in this position before and it’s hurtful, you can’t understand what you’ve done wrong. Perhaps you’ve gone above and beyond for them before and been in each others lives for years.

I think some people outgrow you, go on different paths and cannot relate to you much anymore so end up moving on from the friendship naturally without you doing anything wrong. This is, sadly natural and common in friendships. Friendships ebb and flow.

I had a baby and a couple of best friends drifted from me, it hurt me a lot at first but it’s completely natural. I’m moving soon and I’m sure I’ll make new friends and perhaps see less of friends who live close by, perhaps the friendships will change and we may go months without talking.

It’s okay to be sad by the way x

I think sometimes people are situational friends. It worked during a specific time period but they drifted after
or sometimes people change and what they wanted within a friendship altered
and sometimes people don’t have the time/energy to invest in friendships

I’d say it was 50/50.
Theyre probably being kind of time is a healer. Do you talk about yourself a lot? Do you drop in unexpectedly or cause dramatic things to happen?
I did it years ago, I still feel bad, it was a lot of things in my life that stopped me having the mental capacity to deal with her anymore, she talked non stop about herself, she’d pop in for an hour and sit for 5 hours, I knew every part of her body that caused any issue and still she was delusional at times, from hormones to colon and of course the vegan diet. 🫣

Of course.

I think done nothing wrong might be from the ghosted person's perspective, though?

I'm not proud of it, but I've done it twice.

Once with a friend who was incredibly high maintenance. I supported her through a real crisis but years after the crisis was over she still called and texted constantly, at all hours and gave nothing in return. I decided my life wasn't any better for having her in it and didn't think there was going to be any value in having a long conversation about it.

The second was a friend who, again, who I'd really been there for through some life events who didn't bother to even call or text when I was going through something very difficult, which she knew about from other friends. Again, I just decided I wasn't getting anything enriching from the friendship and that I didn't value it enough to bother. I know she's told other friends that she doesn't understand it, so I'm sure she believes she's done nothing wrong.

You've answered your own question surely?

I think there is usually a perceived slight at least.

I distanced myself from some friends when i heard they'd been gossiping about me.

Several years on and in a better place myself now, I realise it would have been more sensible to talk to them about it, and I also have some doubts about the information I relied upon, but at the time I didn't have the emotional capaciy to deal with it so I stepped away.

ATM I am the one a friend has ghosted. I know why, what she thinks I've done but it really is a misunderstanding. If I'd realised sooner I'd upset her I'm sure we could have sorted things, but she didn't talk to me, so here we are.

I have a very old friend I've been trying to distance from for years. I'm sure she wouldn't think she's done anything wrong, but as we've got older our politics have diverged completely and now all she wants to talk about is migrants and benefits scroungers.

So there was a reason then!

There is never no reason for cutting off a friendship. There is always something wrong, might not be malicious or anything serious but enough to create a wedge.

There’s a difference between not doing anything wrong and doing the right thing.
I find lots of people are quite friendly and cheerful but never ever ask me about my life, but are happy to tell me all about the good and bad things in theirs. They use me as a sounding board and ask for advice but never think to ask how I am.

I've never, ever known that to happen. There's always an underlying reason.

I guess to give a more serious answer, because sometimes people feel that a friendship has just run its course. It can definitely been painful when the two parties feel differently. But I've been on both sides of it, and ultimately not every friendship lasts forever in the same form. People just change, or feel they don't have enough in common to keep meeting up indefinitely once the context that originally brought them together has changed.

There's always a reason you probably just don't want to acknowledge what it is.

I'd suggest the person doing the ghosting has issues unrelated to the friendship (busy/depressed/dealing with other things) and may well "come back" later when they have resolved them.

Or the ghoster has maintained an outwardly friendly appearance but has come to the conclusion that actually they have nothing in common and/or don't really like each other, but can't think of a polite way to say it. So it's simpler just to drift away.

People simply don't do this if everything is great and there are no issues on either side.

Except people often lack awareness so the friend this poster is referring probably perceives herself as you describe; as having done nothing wrong.