Sick of parenting. AIBU to lie to get a break?

I would take the day.

If he finds out you lied, then you have the conversation about you being exhausted as he can't/won't do much of the parenting when he's home.

I understand it's easier to stay at the moment, so do what you can to share the load.

Enjoy your day off!

Having read all your posts but not all the responses, I’d probably pretend not to know I wasn’t needed and then “find out” once I was nearly there. And not wanting him to “waste his day off” or to “interfere in his time with the kids” I would then take myself out of their way and come back later. Probably not say anything but that would be the story in my head.

FWIW you do sound burnt out. I know what you mean about separating, but burnout is really unpleasant and difficult to get over without serious change/sacrifice. If your H is so unhelpful, I think you’re justified in taking the day for yourself. I hope you manage to find a more reliable way forward to get time to yourself in future.

I did similar when my youngest was a toddler and I had two at home with me every day. I was a SAHM and was really struggling with never getting a break.

I had to go for a minor procedure at the hospital. It was a sit and wait appointment and I had to be there for 8am. As it happened I was seen at 9 but I went to a cafe and had a coffee and croissant and read my book for a bit then went in the shops for an hour or so before I told DH I was done. And I told him I was starving so was going to grab lunch before coming home (hospital was an hour away) so I also had a lovely peaceful lunch!

It wasn’t that he would have stopped me but he just didn’t understand how much I needed a little bit of time to myself. If I’d said I wanted to go for a coffee or shopping or lunch he’d have suggested they came too and it wasn’t about doing any of those things but about doing them without having to think about anyone else’s needs. If I’d said “no, I want to be by myself” he’d have got all offended about me not wanting to be with them and inadvertently made me feel guilty. At the time he was working quite long hours and really looked forward to being with the family when he wasn’t at work so he just couldn’t comprehend how I’d want time away from them.

Over the years the balance has shifted and he’s done a lot more solo parenting (rather than being the fun back up parent with me doing most of the actual work involved) and he’d get it now but at the time that little lie saved my sanity.

Si what good will one day do? Or do you intend to regularly lie and sneak around?

Did you post before about his pain condition? If you are the same poster then absolutely lie and take the day. He hides upstairs most of the time he is at home anyway.

What happened to being honest? Why don't you tell your dh and say you are desperate for a day to yourself?

Totally split here. I'd hate to lie to my DH, however, I've been through the part time teaching/1 in school/1 in nursery/DH not pulling his weight. It was the most tired I have ever been.

Ended up crashing my car and having to take time off work to recover physically/mentally.

It's also a ridiculously busy time for work, especially secondary, so there are added pressures for you.

I hope you are okay.

DH and I ended up having couples therapy. It is helping. I also took up running, and use that as my alone time, to worth through things in my brain.

Does he not ever see or speak to people? So you are going to go out at normal work time (presumably 8) and then not get back til around 5?
Where are you going for all that time? Imagine bumping into other school parents while at the coffee shop and then they mention that to your partner, just a casual nice to see your wife today at Costa. Or is he so detached that he doesn't know anyone.
Also do you have a landline phone? What if the school rang asking if actually you could come in and he then said you were already there? I mean only you will know whether that is likely or not (did they want you to moderate coursework and then said they didn't for example and then could change their minds again).

i think YANBU

He sounds like a difficult person to live with. I’m 10 years on from you in a similar situation. It’s very hard but these are the choices we make.

Take the day for yourself.
Then start to look into how you can get micro moments for yourself. Sign eldest up to Beavers & other clubs where you don’t have to stay. Is there a gym with a crèche nearby you could use on none work days?
Build your networks for future play dates etc.

is DH working?

Not only would I do it, I would make sure I did it for the whole allotted time and literally not come back 1 moment before I was expected. Would it be nice for this to be offered? Yes. Will it make a difference to anyone but you? No. Will it make the biggest difference to you and your mental health? Yes. No brainer xx

So what happens when your partner finds out you are lying? Does he simply not care either?
It sounds like you have both checked out of the relationship in which case.
He doesn't seem to make your life better and seems to be an extra child as he sounds like he only helps occasionally and often takes to his sick bed (and I am not sure how genuine this is from your description).

No it’s a horrible thing to do to your partner, particularly if he’s a helpful and supportive one, why would you let him waste a days leave, just be honest and say how you feel and he might say as he’s taken the day off still go and do something for yourself, lying about it isn’t the basis of a great relationship.

This is surely not the way to live. Being with someone because it is practical. It doesn't sound better for you. Do you even love your partner?

As a former teacher the wage isn't that bad (and something I definitely miss!) so financially you could increase to full time, make sure you are using your entitled free child care (someone has already asked you about this when you said you can't afford an extra day of nursery so not sure why you aren't taking advantage of it) and start making an exit plan.

If you're not happy then leave. Lying is wrong and once you decide it's acceptable once, you're on the slippery slope. Is that the person you want to be? A liar?

I agree with this. Also if you work 3 days a week, why can't you use your own annual leave to take a day to yourself. I regularly do that when mine are in childcare, one of the bonuses of nursery!

Absolutely have the rest. You may not get the opportunity again.

Yanbu imo

Its just one day - can you stretch things and make it an overnight??

Noones perfect. Its a white lie that wont hurt your man, sorry

Dont you get 30 hours childcare?

So basically he doesn't care? What does he bring to the relationship?
As I said it sounds like there are bigger issues.