Sick of parenting. AIBU to lie to get a break?

Ah so that might be why she doesn't want to leave him.

Where will you go for the day?

I don't think it will be a relaxing day off if you have to find things to do to fill your time (unless you go for a spa day..)

Maybe OPs DH is a high earner

Obv cronic pain can come and go but I find it hard to understand how he can work a lot through the week and not be around but then not help you out at home over the weekend

sounds like he uses his pain as an excuse

the 30hrs will that come in when toddler is 3?

so you get no respite /help school holidays and do all yourself ? Due to being a teacher

I think you need to say to dh you need a few hours every now and again

to grab a coffee by yourself and read a book and disappear 10-2 one sat /sun

what do your kids do to trash a house ?

5yr should be able to help /tidy up etc - 2yr can be taught to help

Ok. From what you say you are not in a territory of good options any more. You are choosing from bad options only. Once we acknowledge it, it narrows the path.

There is a reasonable chance that things will improve in two years, so there is a specific time frame and you've decided it's worth trying to survive those two years and keep the family together.

I'd say do it. And, write a letter addressed to him. What would you want to tell him now, if he had capacity to listen. Explaining that you were scheduled for work, than it was withdrawn, and you realised you just can't tell him so. You are so tired, but taking time of on the weekend when he would have both children doesn't work and you both know it. So you've made the decision to not tell him now. You don't make it lightly, but right now find it a question of survival. Apology if you feel like it.

Seal it in an envelope with a date. And don't send/give it to him. Keep it.

If he finds out, you can give it to him as a way of explanation. If you decide to open a discussion later, you'll have this note readily at hand.

Why aren't you entitled to 30 hours? I thought everyone got that now 🤔

It seems you are going to lie regardless so not sure what the point is in posting (unless wanting sympathy for having a lazy good for nothing husband).

You don’t need to be that deep to see the relationship is on its last legs, she’s said that it is. If the suggestions are don’t lie, just talk to him it’s not helpful when she truly believes he’ll say no. The other advice is leave, she’s weighed that up already and thinks that will make her life more difficult. So what should she do?

Just do it then @iwonderwhythen and stop biting back when others say why they wouldn't want to.

Just take the day off. It's one day. It's one small lie that barely affects anything (except you get a much needed rest). I think you've clearly reflected on the bigger picture, so you can address that when you have the energy.

FYI, if I were your DH in this situation and I found out you'd lied, although I might be a bit pissed off, I would be more inclined to think about why you felt you needed to lie in the first place and how I could support you.

I think you misunderstood plus none of us know your exact circumstances. Some of the parents I was friendly with in reception did know my working days as on the days I didn't work we would sometimes do things together (if they had a little one we would go to a group together, or if they didn't they might go for a walk with me after the school drop to catch up briefly). I was not saying your partner would be at the coffee shop, rather you and this might then be mentioned at school pick up when your husband is collecting your school aged child.
As I said, I don't know if you have friends at school or not, but lies often come back and catch people out and you are on a slippery slope if you can't be honest with your partner.

If you are going to do it then you should do as someone above says and to say you are no longer needed in work and that as the leave is already booked then he should go ahead with whatever he would do with the toddler that day.

You still haven't really said what you intend to do that day. Some people on here suggesting spa days etc I think have missed the point you are saying you have no money for extra childcare, so surely this day to yourself will also need to be low cost.

You seem to have the standard MN issue of a man who can presumably do what he wants (able to go to work and I bet can meet his friends when he takes leave for himself) but the moment he is asked to help the family he vanishes/pleads illness.

YANBU as long as you wouldn't object to your DH taking a sneaky day of AL to do the same, but why don't you just work full time if you want a better balance?

Take the time for yourself and don’t feel a moment of guilt over it.

If you’re partner won’t take time off for your wellbeing without you having to lie about it then you’ve got much bigger problems than just being exhausted from small kids.

This is a bit of a 'yes but' thread. You are rejecting all suggestions and really just want validation for what you have decided to do. It will be better all round if the issues are addressed head on. When a relationship gets to the stage of this level of lying and sneakiness it is on its last legs. Maybe that's the thing you are avoiding.

It is hard to articulate and I told a friend at the time and she was shocked and asked why I hadn’t just told him I wanted to go for a coffee and a walk around the shops after my appointment. She was worried there was abuse and there wasn’t at all but there was an imbalance in parenting and at that particular time I’d have been made to feel more guilty for not rushing straight back afterwards than I did for just taking that time by not telling him as soon as the appointment was done.

I wouldn’t need to do that now, but back then it absolutely felt justified.

Sorry that post turned out very all about me !

I think it was meant to be a - take it from someone who is in chronic pain that it's OK to take some time for yourself.

You're the person who everyone depends on, just do what you need to do to keep showing up for everyone else.

Long term health problems impact everyone in a household. Your DH ought to have more awareness of that. I make space for my DH despite struggling. If he isn't going to do that himself then take what you need to be able to keep showing up for your kids.

Once you lie you have crossed a line. All of the posters above who are blasé with the truth, I doubt would easily accept their partner’s lying without it removing trust from the relationship.
Rather than focusing on one day which could cause untold damage, look realistically at what you can change. In your posts you’ve mentioned you’ve not asked for a day as they’d trash the house or you’d feel guilt. Let that guilt/worry go. You don’t need a show house and if he’s agreed you can have time - take it. I say that with a partner who has chronic pain.
Don’t destroy trust - it is not easy to get back and nor should it be.

I suffer from a long term chronic pain. It makes just general life absolutely exhausting. Living with a constant level of pain is exhausting. I don't lie down because I fancy a break, I'd much rather be participating in family life.

I lie down because my mind can't force my body to go on any longer. I feel constantly guilty for not being able to be the kind of parent/employee I could be if I was at 100% capacity. I feel like I'm constantly failing everyone.

I try really hard to make sure DH's life isn't affected by it. I tend to sacrifice work over home because I'm replaceable at work but not at home.

Sometimes I find out DH is in fact doing more at work than he actually needs to - he could do a school run or take a day off with a sick child allowing me to go to work, but he chooses to prioritise appearing completely dependable and going above and beyond at work. His work is known to offer flexibility and family-life balance, he chooses not to take it.

The difference here is I do the vast majority of the kids and he goes to work because I have lots or flexibility and work part-time, but he is full time and career building.

I do resent him when I find out he's prioritising being the ideal employee, because he's basically prioritising himself. But it's a long-term repeated choice to put that first and leave me to struggle.

I get that you're exhausted and need a break too. With kids that young and work everyone needs a break, it is absolutely exhausting in and of itself.

Honestly I think it's OK to do as you're proposing - you're working and looking after the kids. But I don't think it's going to fix your problem long-term. You need to find a bit more available space for yourself somehow or you will burn out and it sounds like everyone depends on you, so that's not an option.

If you're going to do it, then don't waste it feeling guilty.

Urmmm noooooo. Dick move. You only lie about what you’ve got your DH for Christmas and where it’s hidden in a real relationship. Children lie. Adults use their words to communicate

It's hard to get advise on here because no one is in your shoes. I would never do that to DH because he's a good partner and does make the effort to contribute to our lives practically and offers me breaks. He would probably say to take the day for myself because he already has the day off. So I could never lie to him.

You're getting no help. If you tell him you won't get a break and this is your only chance for a break for god knows how long.

I think in these circumstances YANBU. Enjoy your day OP!