To think this is rude behaviour from friends?

You need to stop offering to pay for things so often. Nothing good ever comes from it.

Well done OP. Good decision to pull right back and not meet them as a three again.

Sometimes it takes incidents like these for the scales to fall from your eyes and to see a situation for what it is.

It's so liberating to take back control and decide what's right for you. You can't control their behaviour, but you can control yours. No more people-pleasing for you!

Good on you, and enjoy your other friendships away from these two.

Well, in future, in your other friendships, don’t lose a focus on your own needs and healthy reciprocity etc. Don’t let minor resentments build till they blow up, as here. If you feel something is off, take that feeling seriously, think about it, and act accordingly. The more you value yourself, the more others will.

No-one said they're not supposed to turn to Mumsnet for advice.

But it's no subsitute for adults actually speaking to what are after all, their actual friends.

That’s even worse. I thought they were several
people ahead of you, but in front? So rude.

100% this.

It is really crappy for you OP, I'd feel sad and annoyed but just get on with doing other things now. It doesn't sound like you'll be missing out on much.

Edited to add that I just read your other updates. You're already stepping off, good on you 🙂

@swqa "Yet another OP who said absolutely nothing at the time and tells Mumsnet instead."

I'm no shrinking violet but there are times when I've been too upset to say something or just so taken aback that the moment slides away. I suspect this applies to a hell of a lot of other people too. It's called being human. And if women weren't supposed to turn to Mumsnet to vent or ask for advice, then most of the forum would collapse.

Has nobody typed 'two's company, three's a crowd' yet? YANBU they were very rude.

This is silly, OP. You’ve done that classic people pleaser-thing and seethed in silence for years, never saying ‘That was rude’ or responding in such a way that meant there were consequences for their actions, despite saying one of these people is a close friend. And now you’ve blown up and are withdrawing from two friendships, still without actually saying anything to those involved.

Don’t get me wrong, they didn’t behave well in the instances you describe, but I think you need to take some responsibility for this, too. Why did you never say anything, and keep paying for things, giving emergency lifts, helping with house moves, when you felt the other people were exploiting you?

if you were together, how did you end up so far behind them in the queue? wondering if something happened before the coffee shop

I can imagine why you didn't say anything at the time. It can be a bit of a jolt when this happens - was it really meant that way? What just happened?
And I think if you bring it up with them after they won't have done anything wrong, you are reading too much into it.
I'd start pulling back. Don't be as available.
Sorry, it's pretty shit of them.

Sounds like a good decision. They sound like users.

They already cast a shadow over the trip. If you don't want to end the friendships I would just be more aware of their behaviour from now on and call them up on anything you consider bad mannered. Don’t be too eager to offer to pay either, see where that goes.

The car friend sounds awful. Maybe you should ditch them.

Op, they are trying to ditch you. Can't you see that? They are literally acting like you aren't present, like girls used to do in primary school. They're not even using you to pay for their drinks at this point - they're literally blanking you and freezing you out.

I know you say you like them, in spite of this. I just don't understand why. You have the patience of a saint.

ETA that I've just seen the car update. I had a cousin EXACTLY like this. She'd call me to talk about herself relentlessly, then she'd make another call while still on ours and put me on hold! And a lot of other stuff. I did eventually ditch her when I almost died from blood loss a decade ago, and she didn't once call me or check in on me (her mother did but not a word from her.)

What would these women do if YOU needed a night time lift, to borrow money, etc.?

That sounds like the last time I met up with my 2 sisters, only it was the other way round - they were so much in their own little bubble I left them to it, did my own thing & only really met up with them to kiss them goodbye “til next time”.

It seems to have been a big success as they keep asking me when we’re going to get together again 🤷‍♀️

OP, don’t brood on it - try again, it might have been a one-off. On this occasion the dynamic favoured two of you, not all three.

On the face of it, yes it sounds rude. Were they friendly the rest of the time though? Was this the only incident where you felt excluded? Or was it the whole time you were together?

If they were normal and friendly the rest of the time, could it be a more innocent explanation- perhaps one of them owed the other one money and instead of paying it back she said “oh just get me lunch when we’re out” or some situation like that. If they were completely normal and nice in all other respects then I would give the benefit of the doubt in this instance, but I would definitely stop treating them to lunch going forward.

I would find that very rude and hurtful too! I am disabled and walk much slower than my friends, hence they often go out together despite inviting me along and when I’ve assessed the destination I frequently turn down the invite. When we do all go together, one of them always carries my food tray/drink etc and we always sort out the payment fairly…….if one has just a coffee and the others have coffee with cake then we pay for what we have individually had. No one carries the bill for the rest.

OP friends don’t sound very kind to me and TBH I’d be stepping away from them

Sadly I agree. It sounds like they are good friends as a pair and you’re a bit on the outside.

What they did at the coffee shop was downright rude.

If it was just the food I’d think maybe one owed the other for a previous meal so was paying this time but it seems more than that. If you feel these were too small to mention perhaps one more chance but only you know if you are prolonging the inevitable end .