To say 'make your own breakfast' to Husband

Why does the fact he’s sulking (emotionally blackmailing you) mean you have to make lunch? Come on, OP, grow a pair! The best way to deal with someone who’s sulking is to completely ignore it.

The teriyaki chicken fried rice sounds delicious, @Balloonhearts - would your son mind sharing the recipe, please?

You say "yes darling, I have made you a sandwich. Not 'just a sandwich'. The polite response to that is 'thanks mum'."
You are doing him as much of a diservice as you are yourself. Presumably you're hoping he goes to uni in two years? He needs to be ready for that because I remember the contempt the rest of us had for the 18 year olds who couldn't cook a basic meal, whose mum had done their packing for them etc. Starting at 16 is very late - like others on the thread I was about 8 when I started making my own packed lunches - but it's better now than never. You've got two years not just to teach him some basic cooking and household skills but also to understand that he's approaching adulthood and needs to start taking responsibility for himself, which includes things like walking a 2 minute drive to a carpool!
You make it sound like you have no choices here but you do. The lazy men in your life can expect you to do all this shit for you as much as they want but only you can decide if you're going to do it or not. Practice saying no thank you.

But he didn't ask you to make his breakfast, OP - he said 'can I get some eggs and toast too?'. I would have said 'yes, of course, it's all here on the worktop ready for you to cook'. Proof that the awful 'can I get' causes confusion!

When your son says just a sandwich, I’d say half the world eats a sandwich for lunch and lots of them even make it themselves or thank the person who made it, I don’t think you’ve done either? I’ll eat it and you can make your own?

but as for your dh, you stomp in and say ‘are you making lunch today? And when he does the pathetic sulking no, you say ok I was just checking. So no one in this marriage makes lunch for anyone who hasn’t made them a cooked breakfast. I haven’t done a tally but you owe me many years worth of lunches, and since you’re being a petty sulking child I’m going to collect on that. If I make something it’s either for ds and i or probably just me since i dont understand why you can’t cook for your own son.
and walk out

i say if they’re hungry enough they’ll learn to cook! It’s really not difficult. I haven’t formally taught either of my sons to cook, but they have observed their parents and can read. They might not make it perfectly first time but they learn pretty quickly. When I went to uni no one taught me anything beforehand. I just muddled through and got on with it. Kids nowadays have all the resources they need at their fingertips. Couldn’t be much easier.

Seriously OP? You’re dropping and picking up your 16 year old from school and activities every day (you say school is only 2 minutes by car), making all his meals and drinks and tutoring him? Why are you treating him like a little child?

I find it interesting that you are struggling with equality in terms of the domestic duties with your husband when you are actively raising a young man who is already clearly very entitled. He helped with washing up and a few small chores? Come on now, why are you treating him like a baby? It looks like the 1950s because you are behaving like it’s the 1950s. Making hot chocolates on tap for a 16 year old? Driving him to school when it’s 2 minutes away?! I feel sorry for his future partner.

You would feel less resentful if you enabled your grown son to behave like an adult for starters.

Dinner type meals for lunch is a bit odd but honestly at 16, why are you cooking all his meals? If my 14 year old couldn't make a curry I'd be gobsmacked. He makes a banging Teriyaki chicken fried rice. Even the 11 year old can make basics, like scrambled eggs or spaghetti bolognaise. If your 16 year old can't, you're really making a rod for your own back.

It does take more time to make two lots of eggs and toast if the other person initially says No thanks, when the OP offers before starting to cook, and then changes their mind when she is about to finish making the food, though, @user2848502016 - and that is what happened.

oh FFS. Your husband serves him and your husband deals with any fallout from HIS father.

then do it.

This!

What am I reading?! I love to cook and do most of it but DH is very capable of making himself his lunch. As for making a 16 year old snacks that is ridiculous. Can I ask if you had a daughter would you do it?

My 6 year old is capable of sorting herself out with a snack if required.

Seems like you have fallen into a pattern of doing this and they now expect it all the time. It’s easy to do but time to stop it! It’s making you frustrated and not feel good about yourself.

On another note, lunch at your house sounds delicious so can I come? X

er yes! My 11 year old makes her own lunch sometimes, and will sort own breakfast (usually weetabix/toast)

They also get their own drinks etc, of course I will offer hot drinks if I’m making one but DH and I hardly ever make eachother hot drinks when we’re both WFH

why the hell not?

you roll your eyes and tell him you are not his personal chef.

I don't think it was about the amount of effort, though?

Ah OP, it sounds like you've become entrenched in what you (culturally) see your expected role being as mum/wife and you sound really caring - although part of caring is preparing the teens to be independent and it seems like it's time for a change!

You've had a bit of a hard time from some on here but hopefully you're reading the practical and encouraging ideas of here to take forward. There's a lovely (hilarious) woman called Shamsa on YouTube (officiallyshamsa) who has 7 kids! She has done some fabulous meal prep videos, where all of the base prep (e.g. chopping onions, ginger, garlic - getting the curry base ready) is done in one bit go and then frozen down. Maybe you and DC (or all of you!) could spend a weekend day doing that together. It would be a good life skill for DC and it would mean that if you want a hot meal at lunch time, it's already largely been prepped in advance?

I agree with the airfryer as well - you can buy things like frozen seekh kebabs which can be bunged in there and then you just need the wrap and salad - that kind of thing. You can also buy frozen samosas for snacks, again just bung in the airfryer which DC can do themselves.

Hope you feel better today and definitely don't let the issue with your DH stew for too long. I would say sorry for snapping but also explain why - and agree to all sit down to discuss mealtimes moving forward.

Good luck xx

What do you think is going to happen in 2 or 3 years if he goes to university? He won't be able to put a washing on or feed himself.

Sounds like this was a last straw situation.
On the face of it making two lots of egg on toast takes no more time than making one so you could have just made it for him too.

BUT why on earth are you making meals for everyone every day? 4 meals a day? Why?
Your teen can get their own breakfast and lunch surely?

This is what happens when relationships are reduced to utility and output - two people that love each other slowly falling out of love and harbouring resentment because someone didn't make lunch/load the dishwasher/take the bins out or whatever chore had been assigned to them to keep the balance of utility at precisely 50%.

Transactionality - the "what have you done for me lately?" and the classic "what do you bring to the table?" mindset - is the silent killer of emotional closeness. It's the killer of the "we".

Mutual support is not always 50-50, and some hills are not worth dying on.

And now he has an excuse to sulk the day away with no chores being shared

Seems there's a lot more going on than for once not making his breakfast!

In isolation, I’m sure each thing does look minor, @bigfishlittlefishtupperwarebox - but when all those little things add up, it only takes one more small thing to tip someone over the edge. The last straw for @OneThingAfterTheOther was her dh asking her to make him breakfast - especially as she had offered him some when she started cooking, and he’d said No, only to change his mind when the food was nearly ready.

@OneThingAfterTheOther - could you have a calm chat with your dh, and explain how much you more are doing at the moment, and what help you need from him. Apologise for snapping, but explain why it was the last straw.

In answer to this question @OneThingAfterTheOther yes my 16, 14 and 10 year old (all boys) make their own breakfast and lunches, and we don't do cereal, so usually some kind of cooked breakfast - scrambled eggs on toast, breakfast wrap, soup and a sandwich, pasta. They will all make for each other.

I found that when covid hit and I was WFH, and still am 6 years later, I was predominantly making 3 meals a day every day - ugh. So I started getting them to do their breakfasts, then it turned into lunches too.

They also clean their plates themselves, next step is getting them to wash the pans they use. My phrase I have used a lot with them, is my job as their parent is to make them fully functioning independent adults.

You really need to get your 16-year old to be cooking for himself, just so when he does move out he's not relying on other people and can actually feed himself. Good luck!

And now he has an excuse to sulk the day away with no chores being shared

He sounds like an overgrown toddler.....