AIBU to say no to my son and partner moving in?

Just say no. They’ll get over it and need to find another way to save, and take longer to get on the housing market. That’s life these days unfortunately!

You need to put a stop to this now. Nearly the same thing happened to me when my DD and partner were moving back to our town from an hour away. It would have been temporary and only for a few months until they managed to buy a place of their own. I was horrified as me and DH have a lovely quiet life now.

I managed to persuade them to rent a place instead thank goodness as either I would have killed my DD or she would have killed me!!

If they give up their jobs in the current climate they may be unable to save anything. They have other options. They can downsize if they currently have a house - even to living in a campervan if they are convinced they could live in a garage. They would not like either once it gets to winter but the van might actually be warmer.

You need to say no and mean it.

There is something else going on here. I don't believe their story. Has one been sacked or made redundant? Have they been given notice on their rental?

I'd be more concerned for their welfare and help them navigate that in a way that also works for you. I feel they are panicking about something that you are yet to learn about. Moving in is not the solution here.

Who owns your home/holds the tenancy? If your DH has any responsibility he can join you in saying no, if you don't feel you can do it alone. Your DS is totally unreasonable, this is the kind of thing you ask to do, not tell. (Actually it's a daft idea, to live in a garage, unless it's been properly converted with electricity, plumbing and insulation.) This is such a bad idea it sounds like an April Fool's Day joke.

This is what I was going to suggest. I would say:

‘Oh Jack, you can’t live in the garage, that’s mad darling, it’s got terrible damp and it isn’t liveable for you, Jane and two pets. I saw a mouse in there recently. Of course I’d love to have you in the house but what with our arthritis and other medical issues we don’t have the space. Me and Dad have been talking and if you’re really struggling to save a deposit we are happy to help. If we move a few things around, we could probably afford to lend you £5,000 to boost your savings. I think you would be mad to leave your good jobs in the current climate. What will you do with the cats? I think it’s better to stay put and get your head down. I don’t think you can pack up an entire house with pets and the rest of it and expect to live with other people and let’s be honest, £50 rent won’t cover anything, a little shop perhaps, half a tank of fuel, a quarter of a month’s council tax?? It’s a drop in the ocean when it comes to living expenses.’

They need to grow up, wouldn’t we all like to relinquish our adult responsibilities and move back in with our parents and chuck ‘em 50 quid a week? It’s embarrassing.

@OneFunnyPearlTurtle do you find it difficult to say no to your DS? Are you scared of him and his (slightly rough sounding gf) if you say no?

Honestly, you have to be brave and say ‘I’ve thought about what you asked and the answer is no to all of it. You and gf are adults and it’s up to you to house and finance yourselves. I love you but I don’t want to live with you’.

You need to be crystal clear that it’s never happening, otherwise they might be arriving with all their stuff within a few days!

I think it depends on the overall family dynamic. Obviously I’m basing what my reaction would be on the dynamic I have with my own kids. I know my son would start the sentence with ‘can we’ or ‘would it be ok if we’, so if it wasn’t convenient I’d be explaining why. This son and his gf are coming at this more entitled, but I don’t know if he has otherwise been a thoughtful son or if it’s typical of previous entitlement.

Hmm, sounds to me like you're not getting the full story OP. Highly likely they've been evicted rather than chosen to make themselves homeless, and the job situation doesn't make sense either. There's something you're not being told, but whatever it is you don't have space and they can't possibly be serious about living in your garage!

OK, you do accept that the pair of them moving in with bits and bobs and pets and so forth is not going to happen right? It's how you go about telling him that's the problem for you, since DH has washed his hands of it, he is SS to him I think?

Anyway first thing, how are they going to save if they give up their jobs?Delusional.

If I were in your position, I think I'd probably offer the following scenario (because he is your son).

Sit him down and read him the riot act about not consulting you. Start as you mean to go on.

Then offer HIM a spot to sleep in - no pets, no furniture or effects. His girlfriend must stay with her parents, sibling, friend whatever, until they have saved enough to move on.

That way no one is homeless, but they might be motivated to get with the program and save like mad to be together again.

Just a thought, and only if you think they will agree. If they insist on being together with all their detritus and pets, refuse point blank.

Tough one in a way. Mums will be mums!

I would say yes immediately. But only to the garage option and I would make it clear that they must cover all their costs. Your DH sounds like so many step-parents, unwilling to embrace the children of their spouse. I am a step-mother. I do have children of my own as well but my now DH requested for my step-son and gf to move in after uni. I said yes. It wasn't easy but it created the foundation for what is now a lovely relationship between us all.

Don’t ignore it incase they had in their notice on rental. Say you’d love to help, but not possible. They need to look at improving their jobs, getting second jobs etc. Fair enough to move home if space, but there isn’t. Living in a garage is not reasonable and they’d still need to use kitchen etc. I’d say no too in this situation.

An emphatic No! without any further clarification is not a good way to have a happy relationship with your kids.

What further clarification is needed?

Assuming you can move yourself, your gf and your pets into your mother's home isn't a good way to have a happy relationship either.

People on MN always seem to think parents, usually mothers, should roll over and accept being treated like crap by their children, usually sons, in order not to damage their relationship, never considering whether this is in fact a healthy relationship, or the damage already being done by the son's behaviour.

And also threads where the OP posts something outrageous about a family member then doesn't respond to all the subsequent posts asking such questions from outraged posters...

(Plus a few posts from people who think that the outrageous suggestion could be adopted if the OP only ignored her own reasons why it wouldn't work, just because they thought they could do it in their circumstances...)

I have the same questions as I imagine everyone else has

• is the garage even habitable? Won’t it be freezing in the winter?
• is it even legal? Our council are saying they’re cracking down on garage tenants
• would your council tax go up?
• is £50 per week supposed to cover their meals too? Will they expect to eat in the house with you?
• Where will their large number of pets go?

You are 💯 right to say no. Don’t doubt yourself.

Are you this abrupt with your own kids?

i would be more than abrupt if they came to me and told me this is what they intended to do. There has been no thought as to the inconvenience it would cause to OP and her DH - just what will suit them.

How are they in debt if it’s not their fault?

OMG I can see my mums face if we said this... She would literally explode. Just say no. This CFery of the highest order!

I would tell them no, they can't move in and i was really pissed off that they didn't have the good manners to even ask me first and they just expected me to support them

The answer is an unequivocal ‘no’. No is a complete sentence. What they are proposing is utterly unreasonable, not to mention framed in the rudest way possible. It’s not up for discussion, they need to find an alternative way to get onto the property ladder. This is your home and they are proposing to invade it simply because it suits them. They are quite simply CF’s.

Agree with others. That’s really presumptuous. Job market is dire and it sounds like they would be sponging of you. Probably fed up with adulting, but aren’t we all!
I'm all for helping my older kids but when they choose to leave jobs and expect to me to support their partner and pets as well, that’s too much.
Going to have a similar issue shortly when DD finishes uni shortly and their BF lives miles away!

All this!!!

Don’t do it. Your relationships will suffer hugely, especially when there’s not enough space.

Are you concerned that if you say no to them, they will go no contact with you OP? It’s possible, but being railroaded into something neither you nor your husband want, will damage your relationship anyway. This type of open ended arrangement will simply cause conflict. There is no benefit at all to you and you may find that you and your DH will be at loggerheads too.

It’s the height of rudeness for your son to assume you’ll be happy with an arrangement that suits him and his GF, but is stressful for you. People can’t simply give up their jobs on a whim. The job market is as difficult as the housing market and £50 is insulting.

Oh good grief! That is really taking the biscuit!

My DS moved out a couple of times and has recently returned as his relationship foundered. He was extremely careful to ensure that he wouldn’t be putting anyone out by moving back, and has been helping out around the house much more than he did before he moved out.

Because I can afford it, I am charging him only a very low rent, and buying him basic foods, with the agreement that he will save what he was spending on rent for a deposit on a new place and buy any expensive food items himself.

I wouldn’t allow a partner to stay though, and he is invested in getting somewhere of his own, so staying at home won’t be forever…