HolyCheeses and Mary… the spreadsheet, the bullshit bingo and the aftermath. Part deux

What sticks out to me is that he hasn't messaged anything about missing you, needing you in his life, can’t we work this out, I love you, etc. It’s all so business like.

@HolyCheeses

So, on the mortgage but no offer of the deeds? Not that it matters at this point, he could offer to put you the deeds to Kensington Palace (if he owned it) and I'm pretty sure you'd refuse.

I can't decide if he's too stupid to realize that mortgage and deeds are two separate things or if he's canny enough to offer only the mortgage thinking you wouldn't know the difference. More the fool him, eh?

Do you think he'll give up now or do you think he'll try to pull more rabbits out of his arse hat?

The more you think about this, the more evil he seems to be or more stupid. Cannot be both, so it is clearly one

Of course should be reported. They are not even married and she is not even in the new area, does not have a job there to start participating financially, he sent a price for a place she is not living in. This is coercive

This is a great point.
A few years ago my friends partner that she didn't live with, through choice, and never would live with, bought a large apartment that needed fitting out.

He tried to gently drag her into the decision making around decorating etc.
She has a busy life, work and tennis filling a lot of her time.

She told me she had to tell him gently that having done her own house a few years earlier, and not particularly enjoyed it, she had no interest whatsoever in spending her weekends when she plays tennis, trawling shops.

She likes him a lot and they are still together.
But she has other things to do.
He thought she would "enjoy it".
She put him straight on that point.
She barely did it for her own house.
He was a bit put out, but got over it.

Women spend far too much time looking after the men in their lives.
It's quite the shock to them when for a variety of reasons it no longer suits us.

I do think that any hint of further aggression should be reported.

The lightness you are feeling is your gut rewarding you for listening to it.👏👏👏

Good point Popcorn.

With the fuss he's made about letting OP choose the decor etc.. She also spent considerable time going over the design "options" and helping him sort it.. She was in fact the project manager and her helping (with DC's) design the bedroom decor, saved him the trouble of doing it himself.

As if what the OP chose was so vastly inappropriate it has to be immediately re done at further expense. I'm sure it wasn't as she sounds like a very sensible person and given that she was also helping with the renovations, she probably has a very good handle on these things.

So its all very well for him to complain about the massive favour of letting her make decisions for him, and doing things to her taste, but its just adjacent to letting her manage his emotions etc... She saved him all the time and effort of making optimal decisions about the renovations himself. It's a lot of work and fact checking... in fact it is one more way of making her his personal assistant and he's got the cheek to use this as a guilt tripper!

edited to add. I'm not saying that he's an evil mastermind who planned every step, just that his world revolves around himself, what he wants and everyone is expected to conform to that and fall in line and it more or less evolved naturally which is why things like this are so hard to spot at the outset.

Deeds would indicate part ownership, naming you on them might be his next (B.S.) claim.

No acknowledgement from him of his every poor behaviour after you told him the relationship was over then.

I'm glad you're doing ok @HolyCheeses
Keep on with plans for a future that suits YOU 🌞

Can we all use that phrase or are you trade marking it?!
Honestly, these men….
they are so selfish!

There’s a woman on FB who describes ’over functioning’. She lists the ways we manage a partner’s emotions, and their annoyance when we stop doing it. Basically when a man like yours expects everything arranged around his needs and preferences- including you. Over functioning women carry the emotional needs of the household, regulating the man. Jane Kuria.

He hasn’t considered your well being at all. Now you’ve pointed out how unfair it was, he’s rejigging the spreadsheet but still isn’t paying attention to your feelings about what happened.

I’d have expected a heartfelt, ‘God, I’m so sorry! You must have been really hurt! I didn’t mean to do that, how can I put it right?’.

I think he has out-arseholed himself !

Did the go on the mortgage also involve going on the deeds? Otherwise it still means you are paying for his house with zero rights. Just another con from the con artist who really thinks you are dumb. Isn't he a delight?

So please to hear you feel relieved that the relationship is over. Onwards and upwards!

Yep, joint borrower/sole proprietor ... mainly used by parents effectively guaranteeing their children's mortgage. So they are liable for the payments if the child doesn't cough up, but aren't on the deeds. Such a generous offer from a grown man!

You can "go on the mortgage?"

But presumably without being registered (with the Land Registry) as being joint owner of the house?

So you would be liable for the debt, but not have any ownership? Because being on the mortgage does not give you ownership.

Well, I don't know how you're managing to turn down that golden offer, OP ...

The issue for me, would have been the lack of transparency and communication. He made a lot of assumptions and expected you to slot in. But by allowing your children to dictate decor and you giving your opinion, as though you were planning on living there, didn't help. It's a shame, because planning together could have been exciting, or would have allowed you to pull out, a lot sooner. I'm nearly 60, we've downsized, I can see why you don't want what's on offer. I don't think he's been as bad as made out, there must have been a level of you knowing how he can get swept along. Although expecting the amount of financial contributions was cheeky fuckery. The suggestions of getting the Police etc was ridiculous. It happened on another thread, posters often want drama. He has responsibilities (his parents), wants a 'mansion', you just don't want what he needs and wants. It happens. If he can afford it, on his own, no harm done. He's far old for the FB posts, though.

He is now firmly established in my mind's eye as "Spreadsheet Guy" and has evolved into the kind of character who'd ask you to "come back to mine and see my spreadsheets." as a chat up line.

Since's he's made such a splash on Facebook, its a pity you can't hire a Tik Tok rapper to tell the story of spreadsheet guy.. "Aint never gonna get between those spreadsheets" etc.

Levity aside, I maybe completely over thinking it, but perhaps he's produced the second spreadsheet so that he can use it to say.. "This is the generous offer she turned down." and keep the first one, which casts him in such a bad light, hidden.

Because its really bizarre to be so rude in person and on social media and block and then turn around and try to woo you with a different spreadsheet.. it doesn't add up.

Was he hoping you'd reply to the second spreadsheet with something rude.. on the 2nd spread sheet email... so he could send the ss with a rude reply on and "Just look at the response I got to my generous offer".. He couldn't do that with the first spreadsheet because of course, that wasn't generous at all. It was in fact a scam.

Perhaps he's doing a hasty reputational repair because he's thinking what he would do in your position - which is if he were you, he'd rush about showing RL friends and his Facebook group the spread sheet saying "Just look at the scam she was planning" So he's created a new one for that purpose, to paint himself in a better light, like any grifter would do.. "I'm just a hopeless romantic who's been dun wrong." Especially since he will probably be looking around for the next candidate for funding and he doesn't want any unfavourable reports to get out.

He hasn't understood the quality of your character OP. Because he hasn't got much quality in his own.

No reply is the right reply.

Yes He could well have pulled this shit before.

He put a lot of thought in the plan to fleece you.
A spreadsheet!
He has publicly rebuked you on FB.
Now a revised spreadsheet.
Probably focusing still on your value as a carer for his parents!
He wanted you to move, screw you financially, all under false pretences.

I do think it Is worth a 101 call, maybe a Claire's law request as he has not accepted it is over.

I really think he is a bad man that didn't wish you well.

Just copy and paste one of those "undelivered - email failed delivery" emails you get when an email address no longer accepts your emails as a reply

Since the thread is still running, were you made aware OP, that he is buying a house with intention of having his parents there too? Or suddenly you were given the new situation and what is on the menu

@HolyCheeses

It wasn't actually a prediction, but I did warn that any 'reduced costs' offers you received would be a 'bait and switch' to get you back in the door. Then a demand for an increase once you had no place else to go. Nice try wise guy, but @HolyCheeses ain't buyin' what you're sellin'.

At this point I think PPs may be right, that he's overextended himself on this big house complacently thinking that you'd be funding a goodly portion of it. It may not be that he can't make the mortgage payments, but more that he's going to be 'house rich, cash poor' and his lifestyle will suffer as a result and/or that he's going to have to cut corners that he doesn't want to cut. Poor Diddums.

I am a bit surprised that he hasn't enlisted his friend's wife & her sister as flying monkeys to tell you how destroyed he is, how heartbroken, how he's vowed to 'do better'. Or maybe he has and they said no.

Probably best not to respond at all, but if it was me and I just couldn't let the opportunity pass, my response would be "ha. hahahahahaha. HAH....NO!"

I don't think sending you a new spreadsheet warrants police involvement. As long as you are simply amused and not upset, I'd ignore it. But if it crosses the line into threats, multiple contacts per day, issues demands (especially for money), or makes unwanted attempts to see you in person then I might be tempted to seek their advice.

WTF! Does he think that you're his accountant? Tell him to stick his spreadsheet up his arse.