HolyCheeses and Mary… the spreadsheet, the bullshit bingo and the aftermath. Part deux

There's no reason to be disappointed in yourself. These guys are 'pros' at what they do. They select a target carefully and proceed like a hunter stalking prey (which is what they are, no?).

Their 'victims' are usually nice women who have never experienced this before. We enter into the relationship in a spirit of honesty and trust and expect they are doing the same. Just be grateful that you got out in time. And remember "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me", so the shame is all his. You are wiser after this experience and will be more cautious, guard your financial welfare, and will reserve your trust until they've proven themselves, should the time ever come when you decide to wade back into the dating pool.

I think expectations have moved on at different rates for men and women. Relationships used to be transactional. Wise people checked out each other’s expectations. Men are still interviewing women for their functions, while women are looking for ‘a good sense of humour and kind to animals’.

Nurse with a purse.
Nanny with a fanny.

Had anyone mentioned Bangmaid?

@Bombayss

I had heard the stories of widows with partners barely cold being approached by other members, old friends.
These would be solvent men who would love a solvent woman to provide home comforts.

It's not always the old men. My mum was 'targeted' to be the Nurse with a Purse for her widowed father because he was living with her after the death of his wife and apparently she didn't want to be his carer. They were 'couple friends' and he lost his wife a bit before my mum lost my dad. Not more than a couple of months after Dad died she was 'encouraging' her dad to 'have lunch', 'call to chat', 'go for a visit' with Mum. At first Mum enjoyed his company, he really was a nice man. But soon it escalated to "Betty (not Mum's name) would enjoy getting out, why don't you ask her to drive you to the doctor/grocery/mall etc etc' or "I'm sure Betty is lonely with 'Bob' (not Dad's name) gone, I'm sure she'd enjoy you spending the day". She even took to calling Mum to extol his virtues and 'how glad their late spouses would be' that they were spending time together. Mum was a very kind soul and a bit naive, it took her a bit until she wised up. Once she did she gave the daughter a big flea in her ear. Oddly enough, the man's phone calls and visits stopped abruptly. Why? Because she put her dad in a home.

They are revolting phrases but I'm glad they are becoming well known and helping raise awareness of what types may be out there.

My last longer term relationship was bordering into Nurse with a Purse territory but luckily I saw what the future could be and got out of it. Had I been aware of the man-type/phrase prior I might have cottoned on sooner.

Never under estimate the determination of some men with young children to latch onto the nearest vagina.
Preferably one with a good job snd house.

With so many relationships breaking down these, they are everywhere.

They are great charmers, future fakers, and extremely focused in their pursuit.

Why? Free childcare.
I am so clear about this among friends with lovely single daughters in their late 20's and early 30's.
They are far too nice despite holding down great careers.

These guys are everywhere.
I also have a few casual friends with sons whose marriages have broken down and they had to be crystal clear with them that their weekends were not now going be dominated by their needing to go out.

A few have said that they were quite selfish when their children were born and didn't step up and their wives refused to have any more children and have instead gone for divorce.

If my sons were lazy arses in their relationships, they know well that they need not expect me to be stepping in with childcare.

My childcare days are long finished.
Best to be clear on these matters!

I met someone with 2 daughters when I was 40. Swept up in the romance of it all, as I have no DC.
He introduced me to them far too early against my wishes and within weeks was asking me to mind them while he played rugby. I’d never met their mum as she lived in another town.
I was also caring for a terminally ill parent at the time. So I was a bit busy.
When we split up - in a matter of months - my dad told me he’d approached him to ‘invest’ in some bullshit business idea. My dad was very wily and said no.
I realise now that having a pseudo stepmum who lived close by who the girls liked was ideal for him.
The only thing was I got attached to them and vice versa. They were just lovely. I met their mum once and realised why…. they were just like her!

@HolyCheeses men are mostly horrible. Some are wonderful but not in the main

Absolutely this.

I have a few friends with very solvent daughters that have had relationships with men with children and I introduced them to the nanny with a fanny label that I read on MN.

None of them had heard about it, but I filled them in and they were so alert and on point when tiny red flags waved and they were so quick to say directly to their daughters that they hoped they wouldn't become a nanny with a fanny.

All young women were surprised by the term AND to hear their mothers use it and to be so informed about the potential pitfalls.

I have two daughters and would be appalled to see them so used so am personally invested!

When one friend had pressure put on her to take his 4 year old for the night as he wanted to go to a stag, and his EX was already away, she very firmly told him no, she wasn't his nanny with a fanny and his childcare was NOTHING to do with her.

His outrage was enough for her to see her future and she walked.

Women fall into dynamics when we don't know any better, but we catch on quickly!....once we do.

@HolyCheeses thank you for coming back to update us, I think there are quite a few of us who are heavily invested in this!

@HolyCheeses @Bombayss
Yes it's nurse with a purse for a specific demographic but for younger divorced men you got "nanny with a fanny". I can't count on how many stories I have from real life and MN who describe this phenonomen; man divorced with kids- move in another woman and gradually makes her responsible for all household chores and childcare. Man then keeps on living his "best life" while having unpaid nanny with a fanny at home. All younger women should be warned.

For @HolyCheeses you dodged a bullet. Not only did he expect a cleaner/cook and care for his elderly parents. He also wanted to abuse you financially. What a prince. Well done for not falling in to that trap!!!

Oh the nurse with a purse is all MN, i had never heard of it either.

However when I did read it, it landed so hard.
I had heard the stories of widows with partners barely cold being approached by other members, old friends.

These would be solvent men who would love a solvent woman to provide home comforts.

Men are surprisingly focused on that as they age.

I'm a follower who has read from the start.. and still cheering you on!

It is a real male trait IMO, the inability to accept the word No.
He had a big plan and you were a part of it.

He simply cannot fathom that it is not going forward.

He sounds completely unstable and stuck.

I am so glad for you that you dodge such a nightmare scenario.

That mess could take years to extract yourself from if you had gone for it.

It never ceases to amaze me how focused older men are in getting a nurse with a purse.

My golf club is awash with stories, like a bingo card.

100% complete self interest and blindness to the fact that many solvent women having buried or divorced a partner, have zero interest in ever sharing space with a man again.

Enjoy that precious peace.

I am shocked this is still going on. Do you need a cease and desist type letter?

@HolyCheeses how could you possibly resist him now?

Honestly he is a prize prick isn't he.

@HolyCheeses it's so funny that he thinks that telling you that you're a "prized possession" will make you come running back to him😂.

@HolyCheeses

Soooo forgive my (ancient) memory. Is he actually living in 'Casa Paradiso' now and managing to afford it all on his own? I'll say this for him, he certainly is persistent and delusional.

Glad things are going well for you. Long may it continue!

Thanks for the update @HolyCheeses It’s always nice to hear what’s happened. Glad you’re doing well x 💐

😂
They have their uses sometimes, don't they?