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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Well am I? My ex is an absolute arse.

563 replies

Mostlywilliow · 22/04/2026 15:03

My ex is still outraged that I divorced him and then later met someone else AND kept the house AND am much happier. He is a study of coercive control and finally left when the police removed him.
The kids are 17, 16, 15 and he refuses to communicate with me at all about when he is seeing them. Doesn’t attend anything school or education related ever ever and pays just under the bare minimum CSA amount despite being on £150k conservatively. You get the picture. He’s moved an hour away by car.

I booked a holiday well over a year ago, before the term dates came out and got an amazing price because of the Early Bird element and a clause that said absolutely no changes, refunds, postponements, nothing.

Turns out the kids are in school that week so rather than lose the fortune it cost to book this for me and my partner, I have booked a DBS nanny/babysitter who has minded them before, to move in for the week.

This is apparently disgusting, awful, I’m a terrible selfish parent, etc all relaid via DC3 direct from his dad. He’s also started making what I consider to be vexatious complaints to social care, about whether I’m feeding them junk or home cooked food, why they get the bus to school (2 miles) instead of me driving them, why I redecorated one of the kids’ rooms as a surprise (which to be fair he hated), and now this. Apparently the kids are too young to be left with a “stranger” and are very upset and I should cancel. He won’t EVER tell me when he’s having the kids so I can’t plan things usually. I know he’s being utterly unreasonable by interfering in this way but he’s managed to upset the kids who are now complaining non stop about how they don’t want to be looked after by anyone. And yet if I left them home alone, which I wouldn’t do, that would be wrong too. Fed up.

OP posts:
Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 23/04/2026 20:00

ThejoyofNC · 22/04/2026 19:12

You don't care for people's opinions so I have no idea why you bothered asking.

Your time to do this type of holiday is when your children are adults. It's ridiculous that you can't see that.

What? Parents can’t be alone on vacation until their kids are grown?

That’s absurd.

wheresthesnowgone · 23/04/2026 19:59

AmbeeBambee · 23/04/2026 12:14

but the holiday was booked with the kids originally?

NO IT WASN'T!!

READ THE OPs POSTS

wheresthesnowgone · 23/04/2026 19:55

Littlebigtoe · 23/04/2026 10:11

These kids sounds quite close to him

The kids sound manipulated. Who takes photos of their mums fridge without the idea being drip fed....

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 23/04/2026 19:51

Mostlywilliow · 23/04/2026 19:21

Wahhh that’s awful!

Eldest did one of those sponge puddings that say “DO NOT LET THE PAN BOIL DRY” and of course did indeed let it boil dry, and had to take it out in the garden to detonate it. I found all this out much later when I asked why there was moulten bitumen-like treacle embedded in the fence.

My sister decided to boil an egg in the microwave. In the shell. At 20. Blew the door off the microwave.

My parents started going to mainland Europe for long weekends twice a year when I was 14 leaving me in charge of all primary and secondary aged siblings for 4 day weekends. Me plus 4 kids on average. Got to love 80's parenting!

SpaceRaccoon · 23/04/2026 19:46

Vixxxs · 23/04/2026 19:31

Well!!! Yes ur ex is an ars* but that’s why he’s ur ex, but if u had booked to take the kids then surely you will still lose money? I would have paid the fine for taking them out of school? The issues with the ex mirror exactly like my ex, your kids are old enough to make arrangements with their dad themselves and when he lets them down directly he won’t have anyone to blame other than himself when they don’t want to see him, but given their ages it won’t be long until they are too busy to see him and will only see him for what they can get out of him!!

She didn't. It was only ever a holiday for two. It's all there if you care to read.

And you can say arse if you like.

Empis · 23/04/2026 19:45

YourShyLion · 23/04/2026 12:19

I don't agree with him but I do think you should have checked the dates and not booked until you'd made sure the kids could go too. Our school holidays are on the council website at least 18 months to 2 years in advance.

Either way, you don't leave your children.

Like, ever?
They'll be moving out within a few years, one of them at least!
They'll be fine.
Such a weird thread. Half of you sound like three days post partum.

SpaceRaccoon · 23/04/2026 19:45

Zoec1975 · 23/04/2026 17:55

Take the kids away as originally planned.

The holiday was only ever for OP and her partner. As has been confirmed repeatedly.

TheBlueKoala · 23/04/2026 19:45

Jesus! How many posters will go on about what a shame it is to not bring the kids and telling OP to reschedule.

THE KIDS WERE NEVER SUPPOSED TO GO. IT WAS FOR OP AND HER PARTNER.

Hth

Mostlywilliow · 23/04/2026 19:44

Haribomum7 · 23/04/2026 19:38

I would just take them out of school for the week! It seems harsh that they will
miss out on the holiday. They will not miss anything essential. And your ex has absolutely no say ! Cf!

OMFG.

OP posts:
Haribomum7 · 23/04/2026 19:38

I would just take them out of school for the week! It seems harsh that they will
miss out on the holiday. They will not miss anything essential. And your ex has absolutely no say ! Cf!

Witchonenowbob · 23/04/2026 19:33

PhotoFirePoet · 23/04/2026 18:34

If it’s only one week, not two, take the kids anyway as originally planned. Simple.

But it wasn’t …..

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/04/2026 19:32

Oh please wont someone just cancel the cheque?!

Vixxxs · 23/04/2026 19:31

Mostlywilliow · 22/04/2026 15:03

My ex is still outraged that I divorced him and then later met someone else AND kept the house AND am much happier. He is a study of coercive control and finally left when the police removed him.
The kids are 17, 16, 15 and he refuses to communicate with me at all about when he is seeing them. Doesn’t attend anything school or education related ever ever and pays just under the bare minimum CSA amount despite being on £150k conservatively. You get the picture. He’s moved an hour away by car.

I booked a holiday well over a year ago, before the term dates came out and got an amazing price because of the Early Bird element and a clause that said absolutely no changes, refunds, postponements, nothing.

Turns out the kids are in school that week so rather than lose the fortune it cost to book this for me and my partner, I have booked a DBS nanny/babysitter who has minded them before, to move in for the week.

This is apparently disgusting, awful, I’m a terrible selfish parent, etc all relaid via DC3 direct from his dad. He’s also started making what I consider to be vexatious complaints to social care, about whether I’m feeding them junk or home cooked food, why they get the bus to school (2 miles) instead of me driving them, why I redecorated one of the kids’ rooms as a surprise (which to be fair he hated), and now this. Apparently the kids are too young to be left with a “stranger” and are very upset and I should cancel. He won’t EVER tell me when he’s having the kids so I can’t plan things usually. I know he’s being utterly unreasonable by interfering in this way but he’s managed to upset the kids who are now complaining non stop about how they don’t want to be looked after by anyone. And yet if I left them home alone, which I wouldn’t do, that would be wrong too. Fed up.

Well!!! Yes ur ex is an ars* but that’s why he’s ur ex, but if u had booked to take the kids then surely you will still lose money? I would have paid the fine for taking them out of school? The issues with the ex mirror exactly like my ex, your kids are old enough to make arrangements with their dad themselves and when he lets them down directly he won’t have anyone to blame other than himself when they don’t want to see him, but given their ages it won’t be long until they are too busy to see him and will only see him for what they can get out of him!!

dancehysterical55 · 23/04/2026 19:31

Why do you not just take them out of school? Must be near end of term anyway if you thought those dates were the school holidays.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/04/2026 19:30

UnctuousUnicorns · 23/04/2026 19:12

As others have said, your ex would be laughed off the planet if he tried to complain to SS, and as for "good ideas", surely a list of "DON'TS" on the fridge door would have sufficed. It just baffles me that you don't think kids of that age are capable of being left alone for a week, when we've left our 16 year old home alone for that time with no drama, but hey, your shout. 🤷‍♀️

A 16 year old alone is a very different situation to three siblings, all close in age and all with a history of dumb stuff. The dynamic is completely different, especially if they are all boys as these are.

Arguments, fights, winding up, egging on Great Ideas, the formulating of (as a pp mentioned) a Brilliant Plan.

As I posted above, the 17 year old isnt being babysat, they are being supported. Because otherwise he is in total charge of two younger siblings and responsible for managing their behaviour. Its a hell of a responsibility and not one that it is fair to land on him.

Witchonenowbob · 23/04/2026 19:29

Zoec1975 · 23/04/2026 17:55

Take the kids away as originally planned.

🤦‍♀️

MusicalRocks · 23/04/2026 19:28

I'm mid 30s now but in my early to mid twenties I semi regularly acted as the safety net for a family with mid aged teenagers when the parents went away for weekends. It was a great gig. I got paid and could game with the kids and just had to do light house work and cook and shoot down the odd dumb suggestion while occasionally reasuring the adults that all the pets and kids were alive and house wasn't on fire, Im still friendly with the whole family.
Its weird that people are so affronted at the idea of it, its definitely not a rare thing.

Also as a single parent with an ex who is akin to yours I dont understand why you going away eithout your teenagers on a holiday they wouldn't want to go on is an issue to anyone except the bitter man who lost his control of you. I hope you both have a brilliant time and can still walk straight when you come home 😆

Missingpop · 23/04/2026 19:28

If their feckless father is so concerned why the hell isn’t he stepping up & caring for his children for that week himself; surely the stupid arsehole can see that’s the answer🤦‍♀️ it’s all well & good his getting on his high horse shouting & hollering but if he’s not prepared to stand in then basically he can go boil his fucking head!! Do you have grandparents who could step in just to shut the yeah up

DroppedLasagne · 23/04/2026 19:26

Mostlywilliow · 23/04/2026 19:21

Wahhh that’s awful!

Eldest did one of those sponge puddings that say “DO NOT LET THE PAN BOIL DRY” and of course did indeed let it boil dry, and had to take it out in the garden to detonate it. I found all this out much later when I asked why there was moulten bitumen-like treacle embedded in the fence.

😄

We have also suffered the exploded food… the microwave saw off many a decent meal.
The previously mentioned idiot put a lamb chop meal in for 20 mins 😳 instead of for 2 minute bursts as I had told him.
It was like Bonfire night in the kitchen.
The microwave survived - it was in the mid 1990s when they were the size of a 3 bedroom bungalow.

toastandegg · 23/04/2026 19:26

Have a fabulous time op! You sound very sensible- whilst they don’t need a ‘babysitter’ it will be helpful to have a responsible adult around.
I regularly go on holidays my teens would love…. Without them 🙀 they in turn go on school residentials and scout trips etc without me, sometimes I only take 1 teen at a time and leave the other behind, by this thread’s standards I should be shot immediately.

Sodthesystem · 23/04/2026 19:26

He shouldn’t be around kids anyway so why do you want him to see them. I’d do all I could to keep him away from my kids.

bittertwisted · 23/04/2026 19:23

Kokonimater · 23/04/2026 19:08

I cannot believe the amount of criticism and negativity you are getting here. They are three almost grown-up children. They will survive perfectly well for a week without you. They were not going on the holiday with you anyway it almost seems like a lot of women on here are jealous of your freedom, go and have a fantastic time. The children know the truth of it they might be moaning and groaning, but that’s what teenagers do. They know you are their number one parent. you are always there for them and you’re having a week away Ignore The miserable people on here that are trying to stick a jealous knife into you

This
my excan
flash the cash, parade women who in front of them he tells them are better than me (none of them last) , slag me off to anyone who will listen
my boys know I’m the constant who has fought for them, been there, accepted their anger and hurt and sadness

and I even went to Thailand recently for 2 whole weeks without them
scandalous I know

Mostlywilliow · 23/04/2026 19:21

DroppedLasagne · 23/04/2026 19:16

I feel your pain!

I came home after one night away to a whistling kettle with a huge hole in the bottom of it where it had been allowed to boil dry, and a very stinky kitchen.

The idiot formerly known as DS - aged around 16/17 and usually very sensible had forgotten all about it 🙄

Wahhh that’s awful!

Eldest did one of those sponge puddings that say “DO NOT LET THE PAN BOIL DRY” and of course did indeed let it boil dry, and had to take it out in the garden to detonate it. I found all this out much later when I asked why there was moulten bitumen-like treacle embedded in the fence.

OP posts:
Thebigarsedbitch · 23/04/2026 19:21

ThereAreOnlyShadesOfGrey · 22/04/2026 18:02

Booking a nanny to stay with your kids so you can have a cheap childfree holiday while they go to school is pretty shit parentinG.

And how degrading to a 17 year old that you’ve hired a nanny to look after them. And how long has this man been in their lives, the one you’re ditching them for for a week while they’re at school close to exam times esp the 16 YO?

The ex may well be an arse, But at their ages they’re old enough to be communicating with him themselves without your input.

Neither of you come across as shining examples here.

You are being totally ridiculous!

bittertwisted · 23/04/2026 19:20

Are you me 😂😂 unfortunately total stonewalling doesn’t stop him impacting my life 5 years post divorce, and with 3 adult children

I advise no contact and pity for his sad life, revolving around trying to make you look shit

my own parents believed mine, even when he was arrested and I was threatened with having my children removed if he was not gone

my boys are great, I’m happy, ignore ignore ignore